


the most beautiful moments in life

by moonsfics



Category: K-pop, Kpop - Fandom, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, HYYH, Heavy Angst, hyyh!au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-10
Updated: 2018-07-26
Packaged: 2019-02-12 22:43:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 78,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12969987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonsfics/pseuds/moonsfics
Summary: based off of hyyh era. mature content, depictions of violence, and  alot of angst to come.





	1. 1

It started when his mother ran away, when she _left_ them. Yoongi was eight years old, you were seven. Living the exact number of ten houses away from each other (Yoongi counted), he would run along them almost every night, jump in through your open window and climb into your bed. He would drive away your nightmares as he ran away from his. It wasn’t weird, you two were best friends, and two little kids sharing a bed was not frowned upon—not that anyone knew about it because he would run back home as soon as the sun started shining a slither of light over the horizon. Then, you both started growing up and you both knew it wouldn’t be long before it started to be _wrong_ , before it could cause a problem if either of your parents found out, but eventually the conversation never needed to be had. Yoongi grew into a normal teenage boy, whose good looks and always changing colorful hair demanded the attention of most of the girls in his year, and so he started having girlfriends—girlfriends that lent him their bed. In the end, he started coming once or twice, sticking to the makeshift bed on the floor you’d prepare for him every night (just in case), while the other days he’d stay at the house of whatever girl was calling herself his girlfriend at the time. Not that he had many, he’d probably only had four official ones since he started seen girls like that.

Then, he suddenly stopped his climbing over your window altogether. He was too old for it. Too old to be physically running away from his problems, and he had to deal with them like a regular adult—mentally running away from them. He spent most nights in the underground doing his rap, writing, or playing basketball at abandoned locations, then going home to deal with these adult problems he wanted so badly to escape from before. You were eighteen the last time he came.

Three years passed without another encounter between Yoongi and your window. It doesn’t matter because you can see him every day, and it doesn’t taint the beautiful friendship you both have. But you always somehow miss him. Having your best friend there at night brought you so much comfort, and when he stopped coming, your bedroom felt _wrong_. Like it wasn’t really your bedroom anymore. He’d become a part of it, a part of your nightly routine, and it took a little getting used to.

Fortunately, it became your old bedroom once again.

“Yoongi?” you whisper to the darkness, in the direction of your window. You blink a few times until your eyes adjust to the bit of moonlight shining through your rectangular window. His dark shape is visible as he struggles to climb in. Your window is always slightly open, out of habit, and slight hope.

You reach over to the stacked wicker baskets serving as your side table and switch on your old lamp, casting a low yellow light over your small bedroom. “Need help?”

Yoongi grunts as he gives a final push and throws himself inside, landing on the ground with a light thud as he saves his fall by stretching his arms forward, “Nope, I got it, Monkey.”

He uses the nickname you earned after your first encounter and it brings a smile to your face. You were swinging from the monkey bars at the playground, going back and forth for what seemed like hours every day, and every day a little boy would watch you from the swings. Until one day he mastered the courage to walk up to you and ask “Do you think you can teach me your ways, miss monkey?” You just nodded and taught him how to swing.

You give him an even bigger smile even though he can’t see it as he stands up and starts shrugging off his jean jacket, “I think the only monkey here, is you Yoon.”

“Maybe so,” he whispers as he strides over to your bed, leaving his gray hoodie on, “but you are still the expert at the bars.”

“Hmm, no, I’m pretty sure you’re the expert at bars. Practically a regular at all of them,” you tease as you scoot over to give him some space before you on the bed.

“Ha ha, very funny Y/N.” He sits at the edge as he leans down to untie his boots, his broad back staring at you. While he does this, you separate the staked pillows under your head to give him one, not wanting to stare too much at him in fear of the excitement of having him, here like this again, showing on your face.

Yoongi tosses his boots under your bed before laying down next to you. A part of you wants to ask if he’d prefer the makeshift bed, but somehow this does not feel wrong. It has been ages since you two shared a bed at night, but it isn’t like you haven’t laid on one together. When you listen to music, or watch movies together you do. Even a few times at home—the abandoned house you all call “home,” where you have been hanging out since Jimin and Taehyung found it eight years ago—you’ve slept on the same mattress, but someone else would share it too. Still, it feels comfortable having him lay down next to you as you lay on your side, watching his eyes blinking slowly up at the frayed ceiling of your bedroom, his mint hair draping over his forehead and poking his eyelashes. He breathes slowly as he relaxes from the exertion of climbing over your window. It’s almost as if he never stopped doing it.

Biting your lower lip, you contemplate whether you should ask the question burning at the tip of your tongue or not as you stare at your best friend’s face. Before you can, Yoongi sits up, pulls your blanket over the both of you, and gives you a knowing look. With a deep sigh, he says, “Monkey, just ask.”

Rolling your eyes at the fact that it’s extremely annoying how well he knows you, you lay on your back and look up at your ceiling too. “What did he do now?” you whisper, a croaked tone to your voice because you know this won’t be easy to hear. You care too much for him to pretend like it doesn’t upset you, but he cares too much for you to pretend like everything is okay.

From your peripheral vision you see his face turn towards you, “Same old, same old. Telling me how I’m the biggest disappointment, lowlife, immature, son of a runaway bitch he has had the misfortune of creating. Broke some shit. Tried to hit me. I ran. Wasn’t up for a fight after today.”

You answer with a shaky sigh, that faint ache in your heart beating at the reminder of today. _Yes, today has been difficult enough_. All of the guys, Jennie, Rosé, your sister Jisoo, and you had gone to visit Hoseok at the clinic. It was painful for all of you to see him so different, after all, part of the reason he is there is because of his friends. If his friends hadn’t insisted he seek help, he wouldn’t be there, but it was the right thing to do. The drugs were only making everything worse for him, and when he didn’t take his prescriptions and took the others it was hard to watch him. He’d stopped dancing, he’d stopped writing raps. He’d stopped joining Namjoon and Yoongi at the clubs. He wasn’t the Hoseok you all knew and loved. And seeing him today, sleep deprived, skinnier than ever after he went through withdrawals, and without an ounce of resentment for any of you despite having to face his problems head on because of you—having to let all those feelings be _felt_ —was bitter sweet.

“You think he’ll be out soon, Hobi I mean?” you whisper.

With a sigh, Yoongi croaks, “I sure hope so, I miss him so fucking much.”

At his words, your heart gives an agreeing aching thud. He is part of your little family, it is hard for all of you to be away from him. You miss him so fucking much, too.

Twisting on your side once more, you ask, “But, are you okay, Yoongi?”

His dark eyes blink up at you, a smiling pout molding his lips, “I’m good now, Y/N.” Yoongi reaches for your face, clapping it between his large hands and leaning forward to plant a quick kiss on your nose, causing a warmth to spread through your abdomen at the touch. Then, as quickly as it happened, he lets go and turns on his side, with his back to you. “Spoon me, yeah.”

Without a word, you wrap an arm around him, your palm spreading over his chest, a tingle spreading over your arm as you feel his heartbeats against your hand. You ignore the faint smoke sent infused into and escaping from his sweater, knowing that if he had smoked weed the sent would be prominent—the same for cigarettes. _It’s nothing to worry about_ , you assure yourself, and hug him closer to yourself, hoping your warmth will drive his day-mares away.

By the morning, Yoongi is gone, and you go about your morning like you normally do. Get ready for school, have breakfast (and some witty banter with Jisoo), then head for university together. She’s a year older than you—same as Yoongi—so she is a grade above, and you go to different schools, but you take buses from the same stop. You spend the bus ride listening to some of the music Yoongi added to your phone—recordings of his raps—and looking out the window.

You almost jump out of your seat when you notice two guys walking through an alley two stops before the school. Before the bus takes off again, you run towards the doors and hop off the bus, then take off in a sprint to chase whom you are sure to be two guys with troubling plans.

You stop at the alley entrance, collect your cool and pretend like you are just casually strutting about. You walk slowly behind them, you can faintly hear their conversation and laughter. Then they stop next to a clean wall, and Taehyung reaches into his shoulder bag to reveal two cans of paint to Namjoon.

“Really, you two? Two blocks away from the school? Have you no sense at all?”

“Gah, Y/N!” Taehyung practically shouts, almost dropping the can in his hand.

Namjoon looks wide eyed at you, “How did you know we were here?” he demands.

“You aren’t under the invisible cloak, Joonie, I can clearly see you,” you scold as you step closer to them, snatch the cans from their hands and shove them into Taehyung’s bag. “Leave your art for your designs today Taehyung, no tagging around the school, remember.”

“You always talk down to me, I’m older than you, remember,” he grunts, clearly annoyed at your constant parenting.

“By a few months. And you,” you add, turning to Namjoon and flicking him on the side of the head, almost knocking his black beanie off, “Stop corrupting him!”

He slaps your hand away a second too late, “Hey! Again, with that disrespect towards your elders, I’m going to tell Jin on you.”

You narrow your eyes at him, “I am positive that Jin will take my side on this. Plus, class starts soon for the both of you, if I remember correctly, so come on.” You nod in the direction of the school and gesture for them to walk before you.

“Fine, _mom_ ,” Taehyung teases with an eye roll before he starts walking.

As the three of you walk in silence—well mostly, as Namjoon raps along to the music blasting from his earbuds—you turn to Taehyung. “Have you two ran out of walls at home to tag?”

With a dramatic sigh, Taehyung nods. “I know going around tagging is dangerous, you don’t have to give me that same speech again, but I just have so many great creations stuck in my head, and they need a wall-home!” 

You nod in understanding, sometimes you can’t stop the creative juices from spilling. “Last time you went around tagging you got arrested. I just don’t want you two to end up there again. We have enough to worry about with Hobi.”

“And Jimin and Jungkook,” Namjoon chides in.

Your neck almost breaks at how quickly you turn to look at Namjoon, “What happened? Did Jimin do something?” Your heart starts beating quickly in panic, so much so you take a few deep breaths to calm yourself as you stare expectantly at Namjoon.

He shakes his head, but gives a shrug, “Not yet. He showed up drunk last night when we were hanging out at home, that’s why he’s not showing up to dance class today. He’s acting closed off again.”

“Did something happen with his sister?”

Namjoon only shrugs. “He didn’t say, just passed out. I went to check on him this morning, but I couldn’t wake him. I just left him a breakfast sandwich and some coffee that will most likely freeze by the time he wakes up.” He swings an arm over your shoulders and gives you a reassuring dimpled smile. “Don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll be alright.”

“Oh,” is all you say, a frown breaking over your face in worry for your friend—for a guy you consider to be your brother. “What about Kook? Those strangers tormenting him again?” Namjoon nods towards Taehyung.

Taehyung’s facial expressions morphs from worry to anger. “Last night he texted me and said he got into another fight. He’s still going to dance class, but I have no idea how he looks. If Jimin was going, he could have caught us up but…”

Knowing Jungkook, he will avoid you all for a while if the injuries are really bad, won’t show his face until most of them have healed.

“What the fuck is happening to us all?” you wonder out loud. Your own issues tug at the back of your brain but you push them away, _right now is not the time._ “Jin is the only one keeping it together, and he has more reasons not to be.”

“What do you mean? What happened to Yoongi?” Taehyung asks nervously.

You shake your head, reaching for his arm and looping your elbow through it, “Nothing to worry about, just his dad being a dick again.”

Taehyung nods, a raise of his brows exclaiming you need not say more. “That again.” 

When the three of you reach the school grounds you separate. Taehyung, although in the same year as you, walks towards a different building to his design class as he’s a fashion design major. Namjoon, although getting a literature degree like you, is a year older and has different courses, heads to a different floor. You all agree to meet at home after all your classes are over, and before heading inside your class you send a message on the group text so everyone else meets there too. A group text that sadly does not include Hoseok at the moment.

When you walk out of the literature building, turning your phone back on, it dings with texts from the group chat.

 **Jungkook:** _I told you, if you don’t pay me back for that coffee I bought you the other day you’re going to have to deal with my fists._

 **Jimin:** _What is it with you and fighting recently? Did someone poke the bear?_

 **Jin:** _Jungkookie, you need to drink some calming tea…_

 **Jungkook:** _Not until Mr.Monster pays me back._

 **Namjoon:** _First of all, show me some respect, punk, and second, you ate my chocolate bar the other day so I’m pretty sure we are even you brat. It was foreign chocolate, and I was really looking forward to it!_

**Jungkook:** _Hyyyyuuuuunnnnggg, I love you. Did I mention that you’re a rap god and the best looking guy around?_

**Jin:** _Ouch.. I’ve been stabbed in the heart._

 **Jimin:** _I still think you’re beautiful, Jin._

 **Jin:** _It’s not the same…_

 **Jennie:** _and this is why I have to put this chat on silent…_

 **Namjoon:** _Wow, silencing me? The love of your life?_

 **Jennie:** _*rolls eyes* YOU are exactly why._

 **Jungkook:** _can someone let me borrow money for an iced coffee?_

 **Namjoon** : _WOW. Punk._

“Y/N! Over here!”

At the sound of your name you look away from your phone and turn in the direction of Jin’s voice, a smile still spreading across your face after reading those texts. You find the lens of his video camera before you find him. An annoyed yet smirking Yoongi is standing next to him, leaning against a tree with one foot resting on the trunk behind him. You smile and wave at both of them, giving Yoongi a little wink that he returns. Before you reach the guys, Rosé surprises you by appearing beside you and looping her arm around yours.

“How were your classes?” she asks with that broad smile of hers. Her light brown hair is messily pulled up into a high ponytail and she’s still wearing her work out clothes under her brown coat, but she still manages to smell like fresh flowers.

“They were good. How was dance?”

She gives a little shrug, “It was okay. We practiced to his favorite song,” she whispers. Rosé took it the hardest when Hoseok went to the clinic. They’ve broken up, but they both clearly still have feelings for each other. And after meeting at dance class two years ago, they’ve had most classes together, and they were supposed to have their advanced contemporary class together as well this semester.

“He’ll be back soon, Rosie,” you assure your friend.

She smiles back at you, “I know, thanks Y/N.”

Once you two meet up with the guys, you head to Jin’s car and drive to the deserted part of your neighborhood, towards your _home_.

Despite the deserted and wild front yard, the door looks almost brand new, especially with Taehyung’s art covering most of it, and that’s because Jimin and Jungkook added the door after you all decided to make this your place—it wasn’t always there. They’re both children of carpenters and they learned a thing or two from watching their fathers work.

Jungkook’s pop music blasts through the holes that were once windows, and you can hear movement happening, no doubt he and Jimin are dancing. Although Jimin is older than Jungkook, he’s failed a few classes, and Jungkook is a protégée at dance so they’re both at similar levels and they are always training together.

As soon as Yoongi steps inside he heads for the speakers and unplugs Jungkook’s phone. “Take that crap off, my ears are going to bleed and fall out of my head.”

“Hey! We’re working here. I don’t go into your clubs and turn off your music when you’re about to rap, do I?” Jungkook grumbles from his stretching position on the floor.

You gasp a little when you see Jungkook, your hand clasping over your mouth.

Jimin gives Yoongi an annoyed look from his frozen move, one leg in the air with both arms above him, “Really, Yoon?”

Yoongi had his back to them, but when he turns and sees Jungkook, his annoyed expression turns to one of anger. His hands curl into fists at his sides and he strides over to Jungkook, who jumps up from his sitting position and looks wide eyed at his friend.

“Who did it?”

“Yoon-“

“Who _fucking_ gave you that bruise and that cut lip, Jungkook?”

Jungkook flinches at Yoongi’s tone. “It doesn’t matter. I gave them black eyes. I’m fine.”

He doesn’t look fine though. He is going to have a black eye himself. Already the skin under and around his eye is turning a gruesome plum and reddish color. The cut on his lip looks like it has been cleaned but it’s deep.

Without hesitation, you walk over to Jungkook. Rosé heads to the mini fridge to find something cold for his eye, although it may be hopeless it feels like you’re both doing something about it.

Jungkook looks down at you, an apologetic frown staring back at your concerning one. You reach up to touch his cheek with one hand as the other grips his arm. It has been months since you and Jungkook had a _thing_ , but it is clear that he never stopped having those feelings for you. And maybe you never stopped either, but the two of you have always been good enough friends for you to hate seeing him in pain and for him to dislike making you worry.

“Those mystery assholes are going to show up eventually, Jungkook, and we’re going to teach them a lesson once and for all,” Yoongi threatens as he drops with a loud thud on the tattered old couch in the mostly empty living room.

Jungkook finally blinks away from you and looks back at Yoongi, “No Yoongi. Please put Suga away, this is _my_ problem.” Yoongi rolls his eyes at the mention of his stage persona.  

Shaking your head, your eyes still glued to that ugly bruise on his pretty young face, you whisper, “Please stop being so stubborn.”

Jungkook turns his attention back to you, his hands reach for your waist with a pained look on his face, but his hands leave your body as soon as they make contact. “Y/N, I’m sorry. You know I’d hate to involve any of you. I care too much about these guys to let them get beat up,” he admits.

“Who said we’d get beat up?” Yoongi hisses.

You look back at Yoongi, who is staring at where Junkook’s hands would have been had he kept his hands on you. You step away from Jungkook. At this, Yoongi looks up at you for a brief moment, then looks at the ground as he shifts uncomfortably on the couch.

Trying to make the moment less awkward, you move to sit next to him on the couch as Rosé tends to Jungkook’s bruises and Jimin sings along to the music from his earphones as he dances. Before you can sit, Yoongi stands up, almost bumping into you but he holds you back by the shoulders before you two crash.

Looking you straight in the eye with his dark ones, he mumbles, “I’m going to go practice outside.” As he steps away from you, you try to hold onto his arm—your hand runs over his forearm until you are palm to palm, and then your fingers are brushing over his. He tugs your fingertips a little before letting go, leaving a lingering tingle to spread over your hand and arm. Then he disappears through the door.

When you turn, you catch Jungkook looking at you, but he looks away before you can say something to brush off what he just saw as a joke.

You slump on the couch and stare out the window to watch Yoongi. His fingers slide over his phone until he finds what he is looking for, and an original beat starts blasting from the small speakers. He turns on his recorder, clears his throat, rolls his shoulders and neck, and his arms come up before he starts rapping. Spitting words that fly out of his full lips like a soft song, he raps about wanting something he shouldn’t have. Something that could break him. That he is so pissed off at himself for wanting, something that is practically unreachable. Blames his greedy, selfish, destructive self for wanting something that could break more than just him.

He catches you staring and his rapping stammers, his tongue twisting mid word, and he curses. He shakes his head in that disappointing manner he does at himself, and stops his music. He turns, his hands on his hips, and looks at you, mirroring the frown you have. An ache spreads through your chest as you look at him. You reach up to the necklace hanging from your neck and clasp it between your thumb and index finger, and at this he looks away. His palms run over his face, and the pained look he has could make your heart wrench out of your chest.

You look down at the tiny heart and the tiny “M” pendants. An “M” he said stood for “monkey,” but you both know stands for Min Yoongi.

* * *

 

The loud slam of the front door startles you awake from the unplanned nap you took. Disoriented and confused, you look around the room. Yoongi is laying asleep on the ground next to the couch you just slept on. You’re in the small room upstairs and can hear all the commotion coming from downstairs. Shoving aside the blankets you are positive Jennie covered you and Yoongi with, you make your way silently around him and head downstairs.

The watch around your wrist says its half past one in the morning. You weren’t planning on sleeping home, but it’s Saturday after all, and when you realized you’d have to go back to a full house you opted for the dirty couch. Leaving Jisoo behind with your mother was the last thing you wanted to do, so you texted her to come over, but you never did find out if she did. But, when you reach the landing, your sister is looking startled towards the living room.

“What’s going on?”

Jisoo jumps a little, startled to see you standing next to her so suddenly. “Oh, hey Y/N. Um, I think it’s Taehyung and Joon, they were the only ones not here when I arrived. Everyone else left and said they’d come tomorrow.”

Both of you walk towards the living room, where you can hear muffled voices, but when you reach the archway you notice that one of the voices is actually quietly sobbing.

“Hey, it’s okay, come on, let’s get you to a bed, Tae.” You can hear Namjoon struggling to carry Taehyung.

Taehyung grunts, followed by a pained whine so heartbreaking it causes you and Jisoo to step into the living room.

“I couldn’t… I-ItriedtoNams,” Taehyung slurs between cries.

“Shh.”

“Tae?” you whisper. Both men look up.

Namjoon has one arm around Taehyung’s waist while the other holds on to Taehyung’s arm that’s around Namjoon’s neck. When Taehyung looks up, there are tears streaming down his face. The moonlight streaming through the window hole shines over the dirt all over his skin, his tears leaving clean lines down his cheeks. Taehyung has a hand gripping his shirt, right by his stomach, and it’s all bruised and bloodied. He hiccups. _Drunk_ , you tick off in your head, _bloodied, hurt, and sad._

Your heart wrenches as you take your brother in. It’s not the first time you see him like this, and it won’t be the last. Jisoo grasps the sleeve of your sweater tightly in your hand, a small gasp leaves her lips.

Taehyung takes in the look on your faces and closes his eyes, his form of apology to the both of you. “H-he was… he hit her again. I-I tried…”

“I found him outside the bar by the Song twins. If it wasn’t because I was going to talk to them to make sure Yoongi, Jennie and I have spots for tomorrow, he would have spent the night there.”

Shaking your head and finally looking away from Taehyung, you tell yourself to focus. You step closer to them and help Namjoon walk Taehyung to the room on this floor. Jisoo gives Namjoon a concerning look but he just nods—assuring her he’s okay, and to worry more about Taehyung. He doesn’t have to tell her twice.

“I’ll see what we have left in the first aid kit in the restroom.”

“There should be something,” you assure her, “I just restocked on Thursday, after Jungkook showed up with those bruises.” She nods and leaves to gather what might be needed.

As soon as Taehyung is laid on the mattress he breaks into inconsolable sobs that tug at your heart. He covers his face and his heartbreaking moans with his hand. You have to turn away from him and take a deep breath. Namjoon is standing right behind you and the second your eyes meet you both shed the tears you tried really hard to hold in. This isn’t about you, but you still feel like you have to step closer to Namjoon, lay your forehead on his chest and silently cry for your friend. Namjoon wraps his arms around you and whispers “He’ll be okay, he’ll be fine.”

Jisoo’s gasping sob breaks your embrace, and you follow her tearstained stare to a Taehyung laying curled into himself, sobbing on the mattress. “TaeTae, it’s okay, you’re okay,” she gasps between cries as she strides over to him. She sits next to him on the mattress, dropping the supplies on the ground to caress Taehyung’s hair and stroke his arm. Her forehead comes down to lay on the top of his arm, where it meets his shoulder, and she cries silently with him.

Taking a few deep breaths, you turn to squeeze Namjoon’s arm, letting him know without the use of words that you should leave them alone.

“Yeah,” he whispers, and to Jisoo, he adds, “His abdomen was hurting him,” to which she nods.

“Someday soon, we should probably buy this place and just move in,” you offer to Namjoon as you step into the living room.

He sighs deeply, exhausted, as he slumps onto the couch. “That wouldn’t be so bad. Jimin sleeps here more than he does at our apartment, and Hobi isn’t living there right now. I don’t think he’d want to once he returns. Too many bad memories, don’t you think?”

Sitting next to him and resting your temple on his shoulder, you lament in a low whisper, “This is the only home without tainted memories for any of us, Joonie.”

Footsteps are heard by the kitchen, a minute later a groggy Yoongi appears at the archway to the living room, scratching his head with a puzzled look. “I woke up and you were gone,” he says in his deep, hoarse, sleepy voice to you. “What’s going on?”

“It’s payback,” you tease with a small tug to the side of your lip as you try to joke despite the atmosphere Taehyung has left the living room with.

Yoongi frowns for a second, that is until he realizes what you mean and he smirks at you, shaking his head disapprovingly and pointing an accusing finger.

“I feel like I’m missing something?” Namjoon says to himself more than to the two of you, and you’re thankful for it because it actually makes you laugh a little.

As he strides towards the couch, “You are, buddy,” Yoongi boasts with a _tsk tsk_ and a pat to Namjoon’s head, at which he slaps Yoongi’s hand away, who pretends to be profoundly hurt by the action.

Namjoon scoots away to give Yoongi space between the two of you and speeds him up on how he found Taehyung. Yoongi, a bit startled, turns to the bedroom from which hushed voices are now heard—but no sobs.

“We took him in so that Jisoo can clean him up, but he broke down crying. We left them alone, she knows how to calm him down better than any of us,” you add.

Yoongi turns too look at you and nods in agreement. His eyes linger on your face, he reaches forward to pull a strand of lose hair away from your face and tucks it behind your ear. You smile graciously at him as he puts an arm around your shoulder and tugs you closer to him. You lean into his warmth and lay your head on his shoulder, breathing in his familiar sent. _Tae is going to be okay, Tae is going to be okay, Tae is going to be okay. There’s no need to panic, there is no need to…_

“He’ll be okay. Don’t worry, we got him.” You can feel the words against your ear more than hear them as he speaks them because the sound vibrates through his chest, like soothing music.

“I wish he’d move in with Jimin and I. I keep telling him we’ll cover his rent for a while. We had to take extra shifts at work anyway since Hobi, it won’t be any different, but he refuses to leave his mom behind.”

“He should take her,” Yoongi suggests.

Namjoon shakes his head, his eyebrows furrowing as he says, “She doesn’t want to leave him.”

“What about Tae’s dad? Can’t he tell him?” you offer.

“Nope. He’s too busy with his other family anyway, it’s not like he has a good relationship with Tae, remember?”

“I know,” you sigh, “but don’t you think he’d do something if he knew? He wouldn’t ignore his son.”

Yoongi scoffs, “Fathers are assholes.”

“True,” Namjoon agrees. You would like to agree, but you never had the misfortune of finding out whether your father would be an asshole or not. He was gone before you could even hold a spoon. All you, your sister, and your mother ever got from him were divorce papers—and they weren’t really for you or Jisoo. You guess he’s a little bit of an asshole, but that’d make your mother an even worse person.

“Not all mothers are great either, but Tae is lucky enough to have a saint as one,” you mumble. At this, Yoongi squeezes your arm and pulls you closer. His chin rests on your head as you look to Namjoon who has a small smile on his face as he looks at the two of you.

With a sigh, Yoongi reassures the two of you, “We’ll figure it out before it gets out of hand.”

Namjoon’s smile disappears. “How do we know when the line has been crossed? Where the fuck even is the line in such a situation. It’s like the laws of nature don’t exist here. How do we know we’re not too late?” 

Yoongi’s words from the last time you had a panic attack in front of him repeat over and over in your head: _Heaven is a place called home. There are no rules here, but it doesn’t mean everything goes. You’re safe here, with us. We’re all safe here_.

 _At what point do we stop running, Yoongi? At what point do we stop hiding here?_  

Running, hiding, avoiding, they’re all synonyms for the same action—acting cowardly when faced with reality. This place can’t protect everyone forever, and even though you know this, you choose to continue to be naïve and hope that your best friend is right; Taehyung will be safe here.

“When Tae has had enough, he will let us know,” Yoongi answers. “If I learned anything from trying to help Jungkook is that you can’t force people to want your help. When he has run out of alcohol and tears, he’ll come to us, and we’ll be ready to lend our shoulders, or our fists.”

You sit up and look at Yoongi, “What if he hurts himself while trying to drink the town dry. Or worse, his stepdad hurts him before he can ask for our help, Yoongi. What then?”

He frowns at you, licks his lips as he breaks eye contact and stares off towards the window. Finally, he says, “We can’t force him to do something, Y/N, it will only make him angry at us. I already feel like Jungkook is slipping away, and Hobi isn’t with us right now, I don’t want to push him away too. He knows what he can handle, he’s not stupid either, so if he knows he’s in danger he will run. That’s what we’re all experts at anyways.”

At his words, you can’t help the pained look on your face. You’ve noticed the way your little family is slipping too. Cracks are appearing and you’re all scrambling about trying to patch them. Everyone hangs on a tiny thread, and it won’t be long before someone joins the list of Yoongi’s worries. _Everyone’s_ worries. You remember how Namjoon is worried for Jimin and you have to take a deep breath to calm the storm at the pit of your stomach. You reach for Yoongi’s hand resting on his knee and take it in yours, clasping it lightly. “I hope you’re right.”

“Yeah,” Namjoon adds as he clasps Yoongi’s neck, pulling him into a small embrace before standing up. “Let me know how he wakes up, I have to go back to the apartment because I have a shift in the morning at the restaurant.” He leans down to plant a kiss on your head and give your shoulder a soft squeeze, “See you tomorrow.”

“Be safe,” Youngi and you say in unison at Namjoon’s retreating body.

Once the door shuts behind him, you turn to Yoongi. “Are you going back to your dad’s?”

He shakes his head, “Nah, I’m going to stay here for the weekend.”

You frown at that, which he doesn’t notice as he continues to look out the window, lost in thought.

“Are you sure everything is okay?”

“Mmhh, yeah, fine,” he mumbles. He sits back on the couch, finally looking away from the window only to stare up at the ceiling—at the blue sky Taehyung has painted. “You can have the couch upstairs, I closed the windows so it shouldn’t be too cold.”

“No,” you say, at which he looks away from the sky to finally look at you. “I’ll stay here with you. You won’t tell me what’s going on, which is unlike you, but I’m not leaving you alone because you’re shutting me out.”

He sighs, his eyes flutter as he reaches for your cheek. He runs the back of his fingers along your skin and you lean into the touch, your own eyes fluttering at the sparking contact. “I’m not trying to shut you out, Monkey. I-I just… I need to spend some time here, is all.”

Your eyes blink open, and although you know he’s giving you a half truth, you reach up to cup his cheek and nod. Then you shift on the couch so you are resting your head on his chest, pull his arm around you and shove your hands in the pockets of your sweater. Yoongi takes out the lighter he always carries and plays with the light for a while, your eyes glued to the flame sprouting from it in a pattern that becomes a lullaby to your eyes. Eventually the fire lulls you to sleep, and he holds you tighter for warmth—no, for reasons you both would rather coward from.

* * *

 

After Jimin and Taehyung argue back and forth about Taehyung’s health and how he’s “perfectly fine,” and can come along to see your friends at the club tonight, everyone finally leaves home and head for the Song twin’s show. Jin had gone along with the three rappers to give them a ride, so everyone else have to opt for walking. Rosé hasn’t been to a show since Hoseok was admitted; she can’t really bring herself to attend when she won’t be hearing J-Hope’s raps.

The bar is not that far away from home, but there is still complaints from Jimin as you reach the halfway point—the park in which you met Yoongi.

“Why couldn’t he just drive back here to take us?” he moans as he tries to jump high enough to grab a tree branch from one of the sidewalk trees.

“Is he even staying at the club this time?” Jisoo asks.

You shrug. “I’m not sure, he didn’t say. He hasn’t been to see them all month, he may not be ready to go back.”

“The crowd might not be so large today?” Taehyung offers as he swings an arm around Jisoo, who turns to give him a strange look—one of awe, but with a hint of amusement.

“Both, Suga and Monster are performing, I don’t think so,” you say with a small smirk, your amusement caused more by the look Taehyung gives Jisoo when he notices her staring. They don’t say anything, so you know you’ve lost them to their little telepathic conversations. You remember how last week, Jin called Taehyung “Jisoo’s Yoongi” and your stomach twists at the memory. Biting your lip, you look away from your friends and focus on Jimin who is kicking a rock around.

“I heard that P-Lily is going to perform today. She was gone for a few weeks, out of the country apparently,” Jimin smirks as he turns to walk backwards. You raise your eyebrows at the mention of Yoongi’s ex but say nothing. When he notices Jisoo and Taehyung whispering to themselves he rolls his eyes, “Can you stop it with your annoying, lovey-dovey crap.”

“Ah, you’re just single and bitter,” Taehyung teases.

“Who said I was single!” Jimin shouts playfully, “Okay, so maybe I am, but it’s not like I have time to go to a gay bar with all those shifts at work. And people don’t walk around with their sexuality on their foreheads at these underground clubs. You hets have it so easy,” he grumbles. “When I pretended to be straight, I got _all_ the girls.” He looks up at the sky for dramatic effect and you all burst out in laughter.

“Jimin,” Jisoo says between laughter, “You had one girlfriend—me, and I only dated you because I knew you were using me to get close to my science lab partner.”

At this, you and Taehyung break into even louder laughter. Jimin looks shocked and offended at Jisoo.

“I would _never_! I am offended, madam.”

“Jimin, you spent as much time staring at him as I did. But, sadly, he spent more time staring at you.”

Jimin grins a smile that could blind the sun at the compliment but his cheeks go red in embarrassment, “Really?”

Jisoo laughs, “Yes, Jiminnie, you were just too afraid to ask him out.”

“Because I though he was straight! Why did you never tell me?!”

Jisoo’s face goes red, “Um, well… I was bitter that he liked you and not me so I thought ‘If I can’t have him, neither can my boyfriend’.”

Taehyung is almost rolling on the floor laughing. Everyone has to stop as he crouches down on his knees and breaks into a fit of laughter.

“Stop laughing, Tae!”

You cover your mouth before you can break into a fit as well, not wanting to anger your adorable sister.

“Unbelievable! The nerve on you Sooso!” Jimin points an angry finger at her, but he’s trying to hold a smirk back.

“Hey, because we dated we became closer friends, so blame me all you want but I don’t regret it,” She says with a warm smile. Her words remove the laughter and amused looks between the four of you.

Jimin smiles warmly back at her and whispers hoarsely, “I don’t regret it either Sooso.”

You and Taehyung smile at each other as Jisoo and Jimin share their little moment.

“It was because of me that you actually became a bigger part of the group, so you’re welcome,” Jimin adds with a wink.

“Ahh, man, you’re annoying,” Jisoo whines as she walks past Jimin, slapping his arm playfully.

“Hey, but it’s true, Y/N didn’t want you to hang out with her friends but I convinced her with your title as my girlfriend!”

“Jimin!” you snap. You also walk past him and slap his arm, but not playfully. Taehyung has burst into laughter once again as you continue to walk towards the club.

Once inside the small and cramped club, Taehyung spots Jennie with a wide eyed Jin next to her standing against the back wall. Jimin pushes his way through the crowd, paving way for all of you incidentally as he tries to reach your panicked friend.

The music is blasting loud in the club, so Jisoo has to literally shout in your ear as she says, “He should’ve left.”

“You know Jin,” you shout back, “He probably feels bad for missing a lot.”

When you reach your friends, Jimin has shouted at the people around them to back off a bit and leave some space. They all give him attitude, some guy gets really close to him, bumping his chest against Jimin. Although he may be scared, Jimin doesn’t show it. Taehyung gets involved and tells them that Jin suffers from claustrophobia and needs some space, but he didn’t need to say anything because the minute their eyes fall over Taehyung’s deadly stare they back off. They know he’s friends with Suga and Monster. They won’t touch anyone in the group now.

You rub Jin’s shoulder and touch the camera bag he grips between his hands. “I’ll record for you,” you offer, that is before you realize the bag is empty.

“Um, they said I can’t record today. Only on slow nights remember?” he says with a small smile.

You nod and remove your hand from the bag. _He brought it as a security blanket_.

“I’ll go find you a chair, Jin,” Taehyung shouts from his spot next to Jimin before he disappears.

“And I’m going to get us all drinks,” Jimin offers.

Jennie leans closer to you, plants a kiss on your cheek as she shakes a finger towards Jimin, “Not me, I’m up first so I have to go. I was just waiting for you to get here.”

You frown at your friend, “How come one of the other two didn’t stay when you’re up first?” you lean in to ask before she leaves.

She rolls her eyes as she pats your shoulder, “Proud and Prouder needed their precious time to practice their perfect and award winning raps,” she says sarcastically. “God, I hate those two sometimes,” she says to herself but loud enough that you hear it and laugh.

“Kick their asses up there!” you shout as she walks away.

When Taehyung comes back with the chair, and Jimin with the drinks, you and Taehyung plank Jin while Jimin stands to your right and Jisoo next to Taehyung. You reach up to pat Jin’s head as he leans his head on the wall and looks up to the ceiling, taking some deep breaths to keep himself tranquil.

“You okay, Jinnie?”

“Yeah… I’ll just stand when Jennie goes up, and again when the boys go.” You nod, run your fingers down his forehead and over his eyelids to close them so he can concentrate on calming himself.

Jungkook appears right before Jennie is to go up. His bruises are a little clearer, and he has a smile on his face again, which makes you smile back at him. You’re glad he’s feeling better.

He stands next to Jimin, swinging an arm over his shoulder and stealing his drink. Seeing your friends like this, it’s almost believable that you can have normal lives, and can truly forget about your problems. It’s these small moments, when you’re all together, enjoying things like your best friends’s music, drinking together and basking in each other’s company that start to believe your friends an yourself will move on some day—together. Maybe your friends _will_ be okay. Maybe _you_ will be okay. You have to be.

_If only Hobi was here…_

All three do incredible. Jennie, going as JoSi, makes this rap sexy, which are rare for her, but she was feeling herself, snapping word after word. Spitting out lines about self-empowerment and not needing her ex to be the amazing person she is. She burned him a few times, and seen as he’s an underground rapper himself this earned enthusiastic and loud responses from the audience. You hope he isn’t in the club, otherwise it would be extremely awkward, but at the same time you kind of wish he is so he knows he lost a goddess.

Namjoon’s was different than his usual personal ones. Monster goes with an empowering rap as well; spits word after word that burn every other rapper that ever doubted him—that ever tried him—and challenged them to be as good as him. Even burned Suga once, but he did it with a smirk on his face that earned laughter from everyone. It was upbeat and fun.

As for Yoongi’s rap; Suga left everyone in awe. His rap was raw and personal, when they are usually self-empowering and burning all the other rappers with a mixture of his upbringing. He makes these every so often, and they leave the audience in admiration. The wordplay he uses, and the double—sometimes triple meaning—to his words leaving the audience shouting and jumping. He’d finished that rap he started on Thursday, and hearing the finished project made goosebumps run up your arms and neck. The power, emotion, and strength to his words made your stomach flip a few times. He spat words of anger at himself, at how cruel life is, and at how he’d rather hurt himself than go through with the one thing that would hurt someone he cares for. He never had to say the words for you to know this, but he was rapping about two types of love. And the love related to friendship is the last thing he wants to break. Following that other love—being selfish—would do just that. A part of you hated it.

You and Jungkook made it a mission to avoid each other the entire time Suga was rapping, but when Sung Min, one of the twins, takes the stage to make a big deal about introducing P-Lily after her hiatus, he turns to look at you. His eyebrows are furrowed, he blinks a few times as you stare at his dark brown eyes before looking down at his drink and you notice the way his Adam’s apple bobs when he swallows hard.

A hand clasps your shoulder and you look away from Jungkook to look up at a towering Namjoon smiling at you. “What did you think, Y/N?”

You grin at your friend, “Amazing! One of my favorites!” you say enthusiastically.

As the lights dim again for the last rapper, you turn to see Yoongi walking towards your little group. He smiles at you when he notices you and you give him a little wave, which he returns with a wink.

P-Lily comes out, and at the first line, Yoongi’s smile disappears and he stops in his tracks to turn to look at the stage. When he notices Lalice rapping he laughs and shouts a “Whoop!” with a fist in the air. At that, you look away and focus on P-Lily not really hearing her rap because you’re too distracted by how much she has changed. Her hair is blonde now, with the tips died purple, and she has cut bangs. She looks prettier than ever. You’ve never been the type to be jealous of other girls, not even girls Yoongi has dated, but when you look at Lalice you can’t forget all the times you watched Yoongi’s enthusiasm at seeing and talking to her.

“Oh great, she’s back?” Jennie shouts besides Jungkook, at which he laughs.

“Oh yeah,” Namjoon says with a mischievous smile aimed at her, “she texted me this morning to tell me she was performing.”

Yoongi has appeared beside Namjoon and claps his shoulder, “Really? Wow, you got game even through text? That’s interesting.”

You frown at their exchange, a little confused.

“Too bad he could never get this,” Jennie teases as she gestures down to herself.

“You’re too hard to get. Too high maintenance,” Namjoon jokes.

“You’re right I am. I’ve got high standards, Joonie, and you don’t meet them.” Everyone laughs at Jennie’s retort but you’re too preoccupied trying to figure out why Namjoon was texting with Lalice in the first place.

Jin stands from his seat once more and pats Namjoon on the shoulder, “Ouch, buddy, story of your life.”

“Hey, what’s that supposed to mean! Yoongi just said I’ve got game!”

“Oh, you mean, Min _Can’t-Get-His-Girl-For-Over-A-Decade_ Yoongi? Yeah, I’m sorry, you’re right, at least you have more game than he does,” Jin adds and the whole group goes quiet as your cheeks flush red. You look away from the group and focus on Lalice as she finishes her set. “Oops,” Jin says to himself as he sits back down.

When you look away, once Lalice has left, you find that Yoongi is gone. You tell Jin you’ll be back and walk out to find him. He’s leaning against the club’s wall, with his hands buried in his leather jacket. Silently, you walk over to him and lean on the wall next to him. You’re both silent for a while. Your eyes take in the quiet street, the dark blue sky and the few stars visible. Some stars are moving and you realize they’re airplanes, so you follow their lights as far as your eyes allow you.

“What he said-“

“You don’t have to say anything,” you assure him. You don’t take your eyes from the sky despite feeling his eyes on you.

“I know. I never _have_ to do anything with you.” 

“Is that a bad thing, Yoongi?”

He moves from the wall to stand in front of you. He’s at least two inches taller than you, so he towers enough for you to find it pointless not to look at him. His eyebrows are furrowed, and when you look down at his lips his tongue runs out to lick them. You bite your bottom lip and ignore the twist at the core of your stomach.

“It’s not,” he whispers as he presses the palm of his right hand on the wall beside your head. You swallow hard and stare at the base of his neck, at the little skin visible from his chest. He takes a step towards you and you find yourself impossibly close to the wall. You gasp when his other palm comes up to cup your cheek, your insides fluttering and the skin on your cheek betraying you by leaning into his touch.

You’re angry at him, but you can’t quite figure out why.

Your eyes flutter close as he tilts your head upwards. “I like that you don’t force anything from me.”

“Maybe I should,” you croak without thinking, cursing yourself, and cursing him for making you irrational when he touches you like this.

“Maybe. It wouldn’t have taken me this long…”

Your heartbeats quicken at his words, at his implications, and you take a breath in and a deep breath out.

His forehead comes down to lay on top of yours, and when the tip of his nose brushes yours a small whimper escapes between your lips despite your need to keep it inside.

Suddenly he’s completely away from your personal space, the emptiness before you cold and missing him. Your eyes flutter open to find a wide eyed Yoongi staring back at you.

“I-I’m sorry, I didn’t... I don’t know,” he stammers, shaking his head, his eyes falling to the ground. “Sometimes I forget about boundaries…” he whispers that last part so quietly, you almost don’t hear it because it was meant to be for his ears.

You step away from the wall but don’t get closer to him in fear of driving him further. “I like it when you forget… I don’t exactly know where those lines land. I don’t even think they ex-“

“Hey, you two, we’re starving, let’s go find something to eat?” Jennie’s voice comes out from the doors to the club before she does.

Yoongi looks at you, but his eyes don’t reach your eyes before you look away and nod to your friend. Everyone else follows behind her and start heading to the end of the street—towards Jin’s truck. Jungkook is the last one out; he looks between the two of you before giving you a small smile and following Jimin as he continues a conversation you didn’t catch the beginning of.

“Come on, you two!” Namjoon shouts without turning around to really know that you’re not moving.

Mastering all your strength, you start following your friends. It doesn’t take long for Yoongi to catch up with you, his hands back inside his pockets.

“They do exist,” is all he says, his head down as he walks over next to Jin and leaves you behind to catch up with Jimin and Jungkook who are at the tail of the group.

Your eyes follow him all the way to the truck but he never looks back. You know he can feel your eyes on him because you can feel Jungkook’s on you, but you never turn either.


	2. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the reader has a detailed panic attack, mentions of drug use, depictions of violence.

Four days into the week already and you and Yoongi have not spoken since Sunday. In part because you have not been able to go home after school because the middle of the semester is nearing and you have to start preparing for midterms. Writing the first batches of papers due before the exams, making second drafts, editing third drafts. This is the first semester of university where your schedule is full of literature courses, which means more essays that pile one after another and are due back to back—or on the same day if you’re extremely unlucky, which you are but those are due before finals, _let’s not think about those…_

Laying on your bed, past 1:20 in the morning, you stare up at the ceiling and try to figure out what excuse you can give to meet up with Yoongi. Or to call. Or even to text. Neither of you has made the effort to do any of those things. Your excuse is that you feel _he_ should be the one to approach you first. He was the one who spoke last, he is the one who said there are boundaries between you two, and seen as you have no fucking idea where those boundaries lie he should be the one to speak first. He knows where the lines are, you can just pretend like you have boundaries, if that is what he needs.

This is the longest you have gone without speaking. Even back in high school, when you two got into a huge argument about something so mindless you can’t even remember what it was about now, the longest you went without speaking was two days. Something has to be done before that is doubled, and this is deemed as the worst fight you have ever had. _Is it even a fight?_ There was no actual argument, no shouting back and forth, no cursing at each other, _but why does it still feel like a fight?_

Finally, you decide to create a movie night at home tomorrow. It feels a little weird to send the text because the only one who ever plans movie nights is Hoseok, but you know the gang will appreciate the invitation. Since Hoseok left, everyone tries to do things that he would want his friends to do, that would make that man smile that child-like smile he has when he’s excitedly leading his very own adventure—even if the adventure only led to the living room of the rundown house. That smile he _used_ to constantly blind people with, before the drugs started eating his happiness away. But he’ll be back to his Hoseok self soon, you know it.

Two minutes after sending the text, you get a reply in the chat from the only person who would still be awake; Taehyung.

 **Tae:** _Yessss, please. I need a break. Per your request, I have not been tagging, which means I need an activity to relax. May I please pick the movie???_

 **You:** _Fine TaeTae, but no scary films, you know how Jin feels about them_.

 **Tae:** _Fine, mom!_

 **You:** _Oh, shush up!_

With this plan set in motion, you finally fall asleep, hoping that Yoongi won’t have an excuse to cancel.

* * *

 

When you wake up, you are relieved to find that everyone has agreed to meet at home after school, except for Yoongi and Jennie who said they’d meet everyone tonight after their shifts at work. Yoongi doesn’t have classes on Thursday because he has his last one of the week on Fridays, as he gets his degree as a music producer he gets weird times for his classes. Usually, students won’t have school on Fridays, or will try to make it so when picking schedules, but Yoongi sometimes has no other choice but to take the one class they offer. For one semester, he had to take a class on Saturdays, he complained to no avail. You miss him complaining to you, today he would made a comment on his screwed up schedule.

The one class you have on Thursdays goes smoothly, and seen as you and Taehyung come out at the same time on this day of the week you decide to meet up and walk home together. He refuses to give in which movie he picked, but promises it isn’t a bad one.

Since it is almost time for Yoongi’s lunch break, Taehyung suggests to go visit him at his place and have lunch with him after you both stop at Subway and get some sandwiches. Namjoon, Jimin, and Jisoo will be home soon so you stopped to get them some orders as well. Jin, Jungkook, and Rosé said they’d have lunch together between classes with Jennie as she eats before her late shift.

You made zero arguments when Taehyung suggested to stop by Yoongi’s, it gaves you another reason to see him—one that almost made you want to jump on Taehyung to hug him.

Yoongi’s is the house at the end of the street that is adjacent to yours. It’s so secluded that Yoongi’s house always seemed to be in its own little world, separated from everything else. Even the large hedges from the neighbor’s property block the house as you walk with Taehyung, making it seem like there is no house beyond it at all.

When you finally reach Yoongi’s house, you immediately stop in your tracks, your heart falling to the pit of your stomach as your eyes peruse what’s in front of you. The entire place has burned down.

Taehyung has started running towards the house, screaming “Oh my god, oh my god, _ohmygod_!”

The bag of sandwiches has slipped from your hands without realizing, and it isn’t until your trembling hands are carrying your phone in front of your face that you realize it—but you don’t give a damn. You dial his number and press the speaker phone because your hands have frozen in place, making it impossible for you to move your phone to your ear. You wouldn’t even be able to hear your fear, as your heart is pounding so loud and fast it is all you hear.

_Ring, ring, ring, ring…. Voicemail._

_Ring, ring, ring, ring…. Voicemail._

_Ring, ring, ring, ring…. Voicemail._

Your heart is pounding against your chest, and your fingers are beginning to tingle, and you know your feet are next. Your head is already dizzy as you stare at the blurry image of your phone calling Yoongi’s—blurry because you’re already crying.

“Taehyung! Tae!” you manage to scream, your words broken by your gasping. You’re shouting as you hear him run towards you.

“It’s okay Y/N! This happened a while ago, it must have!” he is shouting as he nears you. When he reaches you, he grabs you by the shoulders and tries to get your attention away from the phone screen but it is impossible. “Hey, look at me, he is not in there. This could not have happened last night, everything is cold.”

Your feet have started tingling and you know it’s going to start spreading up your leg. Your chest is already pressing in on itself, you must fight for the air to enter your lungs—your breaths go in quick, one after the other—and your head is pounding. “Tae,” you sob, “ _Tae_!” by this point you are wailing. It doesn’t matter that Taehyung thinks this happened days ago, your mind is reeling. You can’t breathe. _He could be dead somewhere, his dad could be dead somewhere. They could be in the hospital. He could be in the hospital treating his wounds, and maybe that is why he didn’t contact me. Maybe that text this morning was a lie…_

The phone in your hands slips and falls to the ground, a cracking sound making you panic further, but you can’t move to pick it up. Your body is locked in place, and every bone in your body has gone numb, you can’t feel them long enough to move your muscles. Next thing you know you’re being carried by Taehyung by your waist as he tries to lay you gently on the ground.

You’re hyperventilating by the time Taehyung lays you down and has put your head on his knees, trying to calm you down as you break down in a flurry of panic, embarrassment over Taehyung seeing you like this, and fear for Yoongi. That feeling, the one of not being able to handle this, like you could die any second overwhelms you and you suddenly can’t speak.

Taehyung begins brushing your hair away from your face, whispering calming words—“You’re going to be okay, it’s fine. Yoongi is fine, I’m sure of it,” and repeating “it’s okay, breathe deeply.”

You close your eyes and focus on his words. Focus on the birds chirping. If you could speak you’d tell him to play the forests sounds in your phone. To play the recording of Yoongi explaining to you how to build the bookshelf you bought a few months ago and had the instructions missing. Yoongi had to look it up online for you while he was at school and recorded himself reading them, with little commentary about his day added amidst. You’ve played the recording so many times—especially when having or almost having an attack—you can actually replay it in your head.

“ _I had this terrible tuna sandwich from one of those vending machine things, Monkey, you would not believe… actually you would, because you constantly tell me not to buy from there… I know, I know, I never listen to you. I was hungry okay, scold me later. Then you can screw in side B, using the rest of the screws and then you can do the top part. Also, I had this cheap brand of lemon soda, it was good though.”_

_“I finished the rap I started last week. The one about us—I-I mean about our group. Our… family. I’m really happy with it to be honest. I think it’s one of my better ones, I think you will like it. Then you can add the little weird shaped screws into the holes to place the shelves, they’re removable so you can custom your shelves as many times you’d like and however you please. I plan to have Monster and J-Hope featured, if they agree to. Can’t wait to show it to you…”_

_“I missed you today. This girl in my class was talking about that book you love, the one with the love interest you dislike. She was saying he was a jerk and that Jane deserved better… that made me think of you. Oh, and I started reading the Sherlock volume you gave me, that also made me think of you. I will probably read the Jane book next, seen as that’s the last one from your collection I haven’t read yet, right?…”_

Taehyung has been brushing your hair, his low whispers making their way into your ears once again. Breathing has become easier, but you feel so exhausted you could sleep on this uncomfortable, cold ground.  The tingling is gone, but it was followed by a wave of heaviness to your bones. The exhaustion makes it difficult for you to open your eyes, but when you finally do, Taehyung is looking at you with a worried frown on his face.

“Are you okay? Do you feel better?”

Swallowing a little and clearing your throat, you manage to say, “Yeah, just… tired.”

“I’ll call Jisoo. I think she has Jennie’s car, she was going to go pick her and Yoongi up tonight.”

Fifteen minutes later, Jisoo and Taehyung are waking you up from an extremely short nap and they help you into her car. She has a worried expression as she helps you climb into the back seat but you assure her that you’re fine.

“Where are Jimin and Joon?” you ask as the car starts driving away from Yoongi’s burned down place.

“They said they’d walk home when I told them I had to come here. Namjoon said to call him, he wants to make sure you’re okay.”

“Okay,” you mumble, your cheeks running warm with embarrassment. You hate making a big deal about your attacks, but they always worry too much. As you call Namjoon and let him know you’re okay, Taehyung has caught Jisoo up to what happened and about Yoongi’s house.

“That boy has a lot of explaining to do,” she claims as she pulls the car into the home’s driveway.

As soon as Taehyung has stepped inside the run-down house, he barges into the living room and demands, “Yoongi! What the hell!! Why don’t you answer your damn phone?”

At the mention of his name, it’s as if your body can finally relax, like your lungs can finally take in air. _He’s okay, he’s okay, he’s here…_

“Whoa, what? You didn’t call me.” _His voice… he’s okay, fuck, he’s okay._

“No, but Y/N did.”

“Oh, um,” he stammers as you walk into the room, followed by an angry Jisoo. “What’s going on?” The minute your eyes take him in, it’s as if you become his personal editor. Checking every inch of his body his face, his exposed arms, his legs to make sure there are no signs of burned skin or an injury which you can’t even see because of his jeans but making sure nonetheless calms you somehow. When your gaze makes its way up to his face it’s blurry because of your eyes’s watery state and his confused expression is blurry staring back at you. You wipe at your eyes before you’re a mess again.

“Yoon, man, we went to your house,” Taehyung exclaims.

“Hey, what the fuck is going on?” Namjoon’s voice says as he and Jimin walk into the living room.

At this, Yoongi looks between everyone, clearly uncomfortable with the scrutiny but as equally alarmed by Taehyung’s words.

“It’s completely burned down, Yoongi. What the hell happened?” you finally say, in a quiet tone.

“What!” Namjoon practically shouts.

“ _Shit_.”

He makes it a point to not look at you, rather focuses on your friends. “Nothing, it’s fine, it’s taken care of. I’ve been staying here,” he admits. 

“Yoongi, what happened?” Jisoo demands, her arms folding in front of her chest, determined to not let him off so easily.

Yoongi looks down at his watch, “I have to go back to work, I’ll tell you guys later,” he says and walks past everyone to head to the door.

Everyone just stares after him. How can he brush this off so easily?

You’ve had enough. Enough of him pushing you away, enough of not speaking, enough after he scared the living hell out of you after you thought he was hurt, or _dead_.

You run after him.

“Yoongi!” you shout to his retreating body. You know he can hear you because he just now started untangling his earbuds, and you bless them for being tangled. “Min Yoongi!” You stomp after realizing you won’t be catching up to his long strides after the exhausting 30 minutes you just experienced. “You have been ignoring me for days, then I go to your house to meet up and find it _burned down_. Then, you don’t answer your fucking phone. I thought you were hurt, burned somewhere in a hospital!” He finally stops walking, his shoulders slump as he gives up the battle with his earbuds. “You are going to turn around and tell me what is going on!”

Yoongi finally turns, his eyes leveled at the house behind you. You take several steps to get closer to him, he meets you half way—still not looking at you.

“My dad left. I got pissed off so I burned down the house,” he croaks in a tired voice.

You take a step back, blinking rapidly for a second as you try to comprehend what he just said. How could that be? How could he do that to him? “H-he left? But… Where, Yoongi?” You reach for his hand and he lets you take it, but it slumps on your palm as you squeeze it, he doesn’t reciprocate.

He burned down his house… It isn’t that surprising to you when every single one of your friends has done something stupid out of anger. Even yourself—like when you drove your mom’s boyfriend’s motorcycle and then let it fall off a cliff. _He deserved it anyway_. You weren’t the calmest teenager.

He shrugs, his eyes lowering to focus on the ground, “I don’t know,” he finally says. “He left the country. His passport was gone, and so were my savings. All of my mom’s pictures. He took everything he could. He most likely sold my producing equipment because it was gone,” his voice breaks with the word _gone_ and you almost reach for him.

You feel your own heart constrict at his words, you _have_ to shut your eyes to look away from the pained look on his face as something lodges in your throat. When you squeeze his hand again he squeezes back.

“Yoon-“

He suddenly lets go of your hand, “I have to go to work. We’ll talk later.”

Staring at him as he walks away, you rush for something to make it better, to make him feel at ease, but can’t think of anything. “Stay at my place?” you suggest.

“No, I’ll be fine at home.”

You try to catch up to him again, “It wouldn’t be any different than when-“

He stops, “Y/N, I said I’ll be fine. Stop worrying.”

But you never do.

* * *

 

After the movie— _Transformers_ —is over, and everyone has left, Yoongi walks to the kitchen to grab a water bottle. You find him sitting on the couch there (there are used couches in every room in case someone needs to lay down suddenly, which happens a lot in your little family) finishing the last of the bottle.

“Not right now,” he says as he takes out his phone and starts scrolling through one of his social medias.

You’re taken aback by his sudden brazenness, but shrug it off as you sit beside him, “Okay,” you comply and try to understand. Maybe he’s not ready to express what he’s feeling. That’s okay, you can wait.

Scooting closer to him, you try to lay your head on his arm but he suddenly scoots away and stands up. “I’m going to bed, I’d walk you to your house but I have to be up early for my shift.”

His coldness affects you, it _hurts_ , but you try to brush it off and make sure it doesn’t show in your voice. “Um yeah, no it’s fine. I wasn’t planning on staying there. Jisoo is staying at Tae’s anyways.”

“Oh,” is all Yoongi says as he walks into the small room by the kitchen to sleep on the couch there.

After collecting yourself, making sure you’re not going to break down crying, or swarm into the room to yell at him for being a dick, you walk over to the bedroom by the living room, change into the extra pajamas Jisoo left in Jennie’s old drawers that are in the corner of the room, and lay down on the mattress. As you are pulling the blanket over yourself, the door behind you creaks open.

You’re suddenly very still, afraid that any movement might make him walk right back out.

He lays down under the blanket behind you, his arm is softly placed over you to grab your hand and your insides implode with relief. You almost whimper as he intertwines his left hand with your right as it lays on your pillow.

“I’ll be fine,” he whispers against your skin as he buries his face by your neck, making the hairs at the back rise, your insides prickly at the feel of his breath on your skin.

“How can I be sure?” you croak.

“You need to stop worrying so much.”

“I can’t. I’m always worrying for you Yoongi. I care too much for you to not worry…”

“I know, I know…” he presses his lips lightly on the skin where your shoulder meets your neck, making the spot burn, but not as deeply as the pit of your stomach is burning.

“I had a panic attack,” you manage to say in a breathy voice.

At this, you feel him move away from you and he turns you over to lay on your back, his elbow resting beside your shoulder as he props himself up. He frowns down at you, his dark eyes looking back and forth between yours. “What, why? When?”

“Yoongi, I thought you were _dead_ ,” your voice breaks at the word and you have to shut your eyes.

“Fuck, I’m sorry, Monkey, I’m so…” his forehead lays on top of yours and his grip on your hand beside you tightens. “I’m sorry,” he repeats, his breath fanning over your mouth.

The lump in your throat returns and you try to swallow it back down. You don’t want to cry right now. But you’re so overwhelmed with feelings, with knowing that he’s okay, with knowing that his asshole of a dad left him alone, with knowing that he really isn’t alone. He has you, he has all the people who call this run-down crap a home. And this closeness, the way he lays back down and pulls you closer to him, against his chest as he hugs you completely to him, burying your face under his chin, overwhelms you in the best way possible. You wrap an arm around his waist and pull him impossibly closer, as close as needed to make his musky scent turn into your coconut one—and yours into his.

* * *

 

"How was class,” Y/N asks as she sits up on her bed, her back resting against the headboard with a throw pillow on her lap.

Yoongi shifts to sit up as well, "It was okay. I've learned more by myself than in class at this point though,”’ he says with a shrug as he flicks through the channels on the crappy television. He turns and notices the small tug of her lips. “Why are you smiling?"

Y/N shakes her head, "You're so cocky."

"You have to be, when you're a genius like me you have to own it," he says with another nonchalant shrug.

The small laugh that escapes her lips makes his stomach flip, a beautiful sound to his ears. "I wish I had your confidence. I'm not good at anything other than reading and writing essays."

With a frown, Yoongi turns to look at her, giving her a small shove. "That's not true. You're good at poetry."

She makes a small _hmmp_ noise and rolls her eyes. "How would you know? I've never let you read anything." Y/N shoves him back, gently.

"Well, that's because those who never share their craft are the best at it," he argues, pressing his shoulder onto hers—not really a shove but more than just touching.

She rolls her eyes once more and gives him a narrowed eyed look, "Where did you get _that_ logic from?"

"From my brain, that's how you know it's fact. Besides, if you weren't any good you would not continue to do it, yet here you are on your second notebook. Deep down you _know_ you're good, you just should master the bravery to see it, and not be ashamed to have a _'cocky'_ confidence. Fuck whatever others think. You know who you are."

The shy smile on her face brings so much joy to him, but he keeps it to himself and hides it with a small smirk as he arises from her bed.

"I have to go, Y/N. I said I'd meet Namjoon by the Rose Club, we're pulling our names from the show taking place a week from now."

"What, why?"

No one knows yet, what Namjoon, Jimin, and Yoongi have planned, so he almost forgets that she's not supposed to know. He's not used to keeping such things from her. He feels selfish doing so. Yoongi is used to keeping personal things from Y/N because he feels that is the selfless thing to do—to keep her from worrying about him, from feeling even more sorry for him. Yoongi despises it when people feel sorry for him, but it unnerves him when _she_ does. He feels inadequate. Not good enough. As if by knowing those things about him, Y/N will know he will never be good enough for her.

He brushes it off with a clipped, "We just don't feel like going this month."

Y/N frowns at Yoongi, "But, that's where you have the largest audience. And-" she stops herself, her cheeks flushing a bit as she looks down at the pillow in her lap.

Yoongi can’t help the smile on his face as he sees her fluster, "And?" he presses.

"Nothing."

A wider smirk spreads across his face, "Monkey? Come on, tell me." He sits in front of her on the bed and tugs at the pillow she is pretending to be distracted by.

"Nothing, it’s just that, Lalice is back and I thought you'd want to perform at the same time as her, the both of you I mean. You like to watch her perform," she tells her pillow as she fiddles with the fabric.

He can't help it and grins at her. If that's a hint of jealousy he hears then it's music to his ears. "Yeah, she's good, and it's fun to hang out with her, but I don't really feel like performing yet. Plus, I haven't prepared anything. I'm sure Namjoon will be disappointed that he doesn't get another chance to fail at flirting with her, but he'll get over it."

"Oh..." is all she says, then she finally looks up at Yoongi, biting her lower lip as she contemplates what he knows will be her next question. "Um... you're okay with Namjoon and her... _you know_?"

Yoongi smiles warmly at her, "Why wouldn't I be?"

"Well, you know... you guys were together..." she trails off, her eyes on the pillow once again.

Yoongi laughs, "No we weren't."

"Yes, you were! You went out on about six dates with her. You went out for three months! I saw you kissing her once!" she protests, looking at him again, eyes wide and annoyed.

"Wh-what?" Yoongi stammers. He wasn’t aware she had paid much attention to when he was hanging out with Lalice. He believed she was too busy ogling at Jungkook. "Okay, we went out, yes, but we were never actually together. We went on three dates actually, the other three times we went out we hung out with other rappers—Namjoon being one of them—and that kiss meant nothing to me," he argues, the last part almost a whisper as he looks away from Y/N and focuses on the makeshift side table.

He never really had feelings for Lalice. She is good looking, that is obvious, but they were just having fun. Yoongi, in total honesty to himself, knows he was using Lalice to ignore the feelings that have been tormenting him for years. When he started to notice the way in which she would look at one of his best friends—one of his brothers—he needed something to distract himself. Lalice was there. She never expected anything more from him than what they had—which was really nothing.

Her short disbelieving huff makes him look back at her, "It sure as hell didn't seem like it. You almost _sucked_ her face..."

Blood runs to his cheeks, and he almost chokes on his own saliva, but Yoongi shrugs it off with a confident "Can't help I'm a good kisser."

"Ugh! _Fuck_ _off_ ," Y/N practically shouts as she smacks the throw pillow on Yoongi’s shoulder, a disgusted, yet amused look on her face.

"Are you mad at me? Because I kissed a girl I never ended up dating?" he asks as he grips the pillow and takes it away.

"No,” she muses, sitting back and running a hand through her hair, “I'm upset because you have the audacity to lie to me. You were definitely together. She said so, her friends told me."

"I have zero control over what she says or doesn't to her friends, Y/N." Yoongi wasn’t aware Lalice had been saying that, but it could not have been for any other reason than to stir something in the underground.

"Fine. But I know you slept with her, so I don't get how that wouldn't be weird. At least to Namjoon, to date a girl who slept with his best friend." She makes a point of not looking at Yoongi when she says this, despite him looking straight at her face.

The thought of her knowing he slept with Lalice bothers him to no avail, but he tries to remain calm. "Well, you'll have to ask Namjoon about that," Yoongi says in a clipped voice.

"So, you admit you slept with her?" she whispers.

"So? You slept with Jungkook and you guys never actually got together." He regrets saying those words as soon as they leave his lips. _Fucking idiot_. If he could, he would slap himself right there and then.

Y/N shifts in her position and looks wide eyed at Yoongi, who would love the earth to open up and swallow him now. "H-how do you know that?"

"Um...”

"Did he tell you!?"

"It doesn't matter-"

"It does to me! How did you find out? Tell me he wasn't the one who told you?" she demands, her hands coming up to cover her face in embarrassment, but with a hint of anger towards Jungkook by the tone of her voice.

Yoongi stands from the bed once again, wanting nothing more than to escape from this situation. "Why would it matter who told me?"

"Because... I wouldn't want you to hear it from me or him..." she croaks, the words muffled because of the hands still covering her embarrassment.

"Why?"

"I don't know!” she shouts, her hands falling to her lap and her eyes coming up to find his dark ones, hers filled with hurt and worry that Yoongi feels like he _has_ to look away. “Doesn't it make it... _weird_?" _Difficult_ is the word she wants to say, and he knows it. And she's right.

"He told me," Yoongi admits in a hoarse voice.

"How?" she whispers.

"I'd rather not tell you." _How he told me when we got into an argument. How he shoved it in my face that he had you, and I didn't. Shoved how I was stupid for not going after you for so long. How I was a coward. How I couldn't bring myself to be as brave as him. How he said the words 'and now I'm the one who has fucked her and you're still the best friend who's in love and afraid.' I won't say it because he was drunk, and I was drunk when I punched him for talking like that. How much we regretted it the next day, and how we cried as we apologized. And how we haven't talked about you since then._

"Okay."

The pain infused in the small, quiet word from her, hits him so hard he has to shut his eyes. Yoongi knows she must see it in his face how it must not have been pretty the way he found out.  But she can’t tell by looking at him how truly painful it was to hear Jungkook say those words—even if he was drunk, he remembers those words vividly. They tug painfully at something inside him, at what is holding him together—at what is keeping all those secluded feelings for her tucked into a small compartment of his soul. The emotions of defeat and understanding that he could never be with her that way, but that the idea of her with his best friend cracks his façade, opens the barricade he created to pretend like those feelings don’t exist.

He buried them so he never had to think about them, but when Y/N and Jungkook started having feelings for each other, it was like his heart had finally pumped blood—he was finally alive, and it was so fucking painful to live. He had become so cold and stoic towards those feelings, that when he was with her he had to hide a huge part of himself. Knowing that one of his best friends could be the one to care for her the way he always wanted stabbed at the barricade, and all the feelings of inadequate love came flooding back. He is never going to be good enough for her, and knowing about them two made him remember it all. Everything he had hid for years. Now, every time Jungkook looks at her, his heart constricts in his chest, and the crack gets bigger.

Shaking his head—and his pain—Yoongi looks back at Y/N without really looking at her, leans down to press a small kiss to her head and whispers, “I’ll see you later, Monkey.”

* * *

 

Namjoon had gone ahead into the club without Yoongi as he had been delayed, so when Yoongi turns into the street of the club he isn’t surprised to find Namjoon’s usual waiting spot empty. What he does find surprising is seeing Jungkook and Lalice talking at the other end of the street. They seem to be talking lowly. Then, Lalice stretches out her hand in front of her and Jungkook quickly places something on it.

Yoongi’s stomach flips uncomfortably, and it takes every ounce of willpower in him to restrain himself from walking over to them as Lalice places something in Jungkook’s hand. Jungkook nods, then disappears around the corner. When Lalice starts walking towards the Rose Club, Yoongi begins walking again. She doesn’t look up from her hand the entire walk.

His mind whirls with possibilities, what could have been exchanged between the two of them. Yoongi isn’t naïve, he knows what that encounter was about, but he isn’t sure if he would rather Jungkook be the one giving the money or receiving it.

When he reaches the entrance, he stops short and stares as Lalice takes something out of the small plastic bag in her hand. His stomach drops as she looks up, midway to placing the pill in her mouth.

Lalice gives him a side smirk, then pops the pill into her mouth.

“Hey Yoons, how’s it going?”

“Is that drugs?”

“Yeah, so nice to see you, too. ‘ _It’s so nice that you’re back Lice_ ,’ ‘Oh wow, thanks Yoons!’”

“ _Lalice_ ,” Yoongi warns.

She rolls her eyes as she shoves the baggie in her front jean pocket. “By that friendly tone, I can assume you saw who I was just talking to. All I am going to say is that I am not a snitch. This is not my business and I will not get involved in it. What I do, or take, is in none of your fucking interest Yoongi. If you need to know something, go ask your friend Jungkook, please.”

Lalice tries to sidestep Yoongi, but he blocks her entrance into the club and gives her a pointed look. She is not getting away so easily.

She clicks her tongue as she rolls her eyes once more, running a hand through her hair and backing away from Yoongi. “Yoons, seriously. I am not going to tell you anything, so I recommend you just leave me alone,” she insists. “You’re a friend, I say this in the nicest way possible.”

“If you are my-“

“Hey, Lalice,” Namjoon’s voice says from behind Yoongi.

Yoongi steps away from the door to allow Namjoon to step out, who barley notices his friend as he moves towards Lalice—a huge, dimpled grin on his face as he does.

“Hi, Joon, how’s it going?” Lalice says with a small smirk as she looks Namjoon up and down.

“Alright.” Namjoon gives her a similar look, but more discreet than hers.

“So,” Lalice adds as she pulls out a lollipop and unwraps it, “when are you going to take me on that date?” she says before she pops the candy between her lips.

Namjoon shuffles on his feet as he flusters to give her an answer. A hand goes up behind his neck to scratch the hairs at the base as he eyes Yoongi—who just gives him a shrug.

Yoongi turns away from the two and leans against the wall, taking out his phone and opening his messages to Y/N.

“Umm, well… I’m free next Friday, if you are?”

“I’m not free anymore…”

Their conversation becomes background noise to Yoongi as he notices the three dots at the bottom of the screen, indicating Y/N is typing, excitement flourishing inside him.

 **Monkey:** _How did it go? Did you cancel the appearance???_

 **Yoongi:** _Yep… Joonie did it for me, I was running late and Dash had a meeting prepared. I’m guessing Lalice since I bumped into her._

 **Monkey:** _oh… do you think she is going to cancel too?_

 **Yoongi:** _I doubt it. She’s probably going to book. She hasn’t been here long enough, so I doubt she had booked her spot for next weekend._

 **Monkey:** _true._

 **Yoongi:** _I think Namjoon just asked her out, im not too sure tho, because I stopped listening the moment I saw you were typing._

The second the text sends, Yoongi isn’t sure that was the right thing to say. It feels as if he is crossing the line he worked so hard to draw for himself. It is borderline flirting, and knowing Y/N, she will flirt back, and he doesn’t think he can handle that.

 **Monkey:** _you’re really confusing you know that, Min Yoongi…_

 **Yoongi:** _me? I think you got us backwards there, monkey._

 _Red flag, dude, RED FLAG_.

 **Monkey:** _how am I backward? You’re the one saying that seeing me texting you distracts you from important moments… like Joonie inviting your ex-girlfriend out._

 **Yoongi:** _SHE WAS NEVER MY GIRLFRIEND !!!_

 **Monkey:** _YOU ARE NOT FOOLING ME, MIN YOONGI_

 **Yoongi:** _For fucks sake, if she had been my girlfriend I would have told you. I tell you everything_

 **Monkey:** _… that’s not true._

 **Yoongi:** _maybe not recently, with everything with my dad, but I’d tell you if I had a gf. You’d be the first to know. You’ll always be the first to know._

 **Monkey:** _I sure hope so, wouldn’t want everyone else to know before telling me._

 **Yoongi:** _You’ll see, next time I have one, I’ll tell you first._

 **Monkey:** _… expect so, would hate to be the last to know that I’m your gf._

Every hair in his body stands as he reads the last part, his phone slipping from his fingers, and he fumbles with it as he tries to save it from falling to the ground.

 **Yoongi:** _Y/N, don’t._

 **Monkey:** _it was a joke.. I realize now that wasn’t funny_.

 **Yoongi:** _yeah._

 **Monkey:** _sorry Yoon._

_Me too._

**Yoongi:** _I have to head to work, I’ll text you later. It’s fine, monkey._

He leaves her messages before he says something to ruin it further, but as he’s about to lock his phone, he notices Jungkook’s last message from four days ago, and decides to text him.

 **Yoongi:** _Can we meet? I’m headed to work from the Rose Club? Mind walking me??_

 **Kook:** _Sure, im actually close by. Wasn’t aware you needed someone to walk you to work :D_

 **Yoongi:** _yeah, you never know who you can bump into in these streets._

 **Kook:** _that’s true._

_True, indeed, Jungkook._

* * *

 

You can hear music blasting from the windows as you, Rosé, Jennie, and Jisoo approach home. The lights are on, but they are flashing different colors. Jennie turns to give you three a confused look as she walks in front of the group. The guys had asked to come hang out today, saying they were planning to have fun so to come dressed up for it. You never really pay attention to Namjoon and Jimin when they say this because their usual idea of fun is to go on a ride and get some junk food, for this reason you put on some jeans and a regular shirt under your jean jacket. The rest of the girls didn’t really follow instructions either, they didn’t know they’d be coming to a party.

“Why didn’t they just say we were having a party? I could’ve put on something nicer,” Rosé says as she looks down at her short coveralls and striped long sleeve.

“And I have this awesome new dress I got for my birthday that I have been dying to wear…” Jisoo trails off quietly to herself.

“Is it the one I gave you?” Jennie asks.

Jisoo nods. “I haven’t worn it yet. I almost did for a party someone at school had, but we’re business students so I didn’t think it’d be the appropriate attire. I’m glad I didn’t wear it.”

Jennie reaches the door first, so when she opens it and stops in her tracks, you frown. Her eyes widen and she blinks a few times before her hands come up to cover her mouth.

“What?” Jisoo asks as she leans in to look inside, a little shout leaving her lips before she steps inside, her steps careful.

Still confused, you step inside, but when your eyes land on the group of men dancing and throwing paper at each other, your eyes fill with tears—your heart does a little pull, and you feel as if you’re glued to the ground because a smiling and _happy_ looking Hoseok is in the group.

“ _Hoseok_?” Rosé’s cry springs everyone awake. Even Jimin, Taehyung, Namjoon, and Yoongi stop dancing.

Hoseok turns, when his eyes land on his three friends and the girl he never stopped loving, his face breaks into an even broader smile. It’s so intoxicating, you’re smiling despite the tears falling.

“Hi, Rosie.”

She’s already running towards him before he can finish saying “hi.” They embrace for a while as you just stand there and gape at Hoseok. From what you can see of whatever isn’t hugging Rosé, your brother looks healthy. He gained a little more weight since the last time you saw him, still has those bags under his eyes but he looks good. He looks almost as bright as he used to.

As soon as Rosé steps away from him, you run towards him, with Jisoo and Jennie behind you. Next thing, everyone is hugging him. When you finally break away from him, he’s crying too, but that smile is still on his face and you can’t help but cup his face in your hands.

“I missed you so much, Hobi.”

“I missed you too, Y/N,” he says, before he leans in to give all the girls another hug. “I missed all my girls.”

After catching up with Hoseok for a bit—him assuring you all that he’s feeling a lot better—you hang by the kitchen to eat and drink.

“I’ll be staying here for a while, with Yoongi. I-I’m not ready to go back to the apartment,” Hoseok adds, giving Namjoon an apologetic look, which he answers with a short nod and a smile. He already knew this, but knowing Hoseok he will be apologizing every chance he gets.

Hoseok and Rosé sit together on the couch, their hands entwined together as they sit impossibly close. You smile at them as they look at each other in such a loving way. They probably got together after that embrace without needing to say a word to each other. When they broke up, it was so simple—but it was still very difficult emotionally for the two of them. Nevertheless, Rosé just knew one day that she had to end things with him because of the way he was acting, how he was treating her when he started getting hooked on the drugs. When he spent more time high than not. Hoseok knew it too, so he let her go, but he was broken up about it for so long. He wouldn’t leave his room for days. Rosé would rarely go back to her parents’, she’d spend more time here—where all her good memories of Hoseok are engraved. In many ways, communication was always easy for them; that’s what Rosé always said.

Your eyes dart over to Yoongi, who is laughing at something Taehyung is recounting. He catches you looking and gives you that side smirk. You narrow your eyes and shake your head, but smirk back.

Back in the living room a while later, Jimin tries to show Namjoon, Rosé, and Hoseok a routine he’d been practicing, while Taehyung and Jisoo dance crazily around with a solo Jennie trying to get Yoongi to dance. She doesn’t convince him, but she convinces you. You’re not a dancer like some of your friends, but neither is Jennie, so you both make the best of it and laugh at the weird moves you come up with—unique variations of what Jimin is trying to teach.

In one of your twirls, you notice Yoongi grinning at your twisting figure, and next thing you know he stands from the couch and strides towards to you.

He dances in front of you, his smile intact, and his eyes never leaving yours.

“So, this is why you cancelled with the Rose Club today?”

Yoongi nods.

“And you say you don’t keep things from me,” you add, narrowing your eyes and feigning hurt.

His smile disappears, “I only keep things I feel will be best kept to myself. You wouldn’t have been surprised if you knew.”

You nod, but the first thing he said repeats in your head. _What else has he kept to himself?_

“Who else knew?”

“Namjoon, Jimin, and I planned it, but Hoseok didn’t know we were throwing him a party—he just thought we were surprising everyone.”

With another nod, you grab Yoongi’s wrist and start pulling him to a different part of the living room. One where Jennie, Taehyung, Jisoo, and Namjoon aren’t dancing ridiculously around. You stop short when the front door swings open and Jin and Jungkook step in.

Jin’s phone falls from his hands and lands by a wide-eyed Jungkook’s feet. Before his tears can even fall, Jin is running towards Hoseok and knocks the air out of him in an embrace. “Hobi!” he cries into his brother.

“ _Hyung_?” Jungkook mouths as he walks slowly over to Hoseok, as if he is merely a mirage that might disappear if he were to approach it too quickly.

Everyone lets the three men—the three brothers—have their moment. When everyone has stopped crying again, the party returns to normal.

Yoongi has gone back to the couch, where he watches everyone dance as he drinks a beer. You stop dancing with Jin and Jimin, and walk over to him.

“You alright there?” He nods as you sit next to him. “Aren’t you happy to have your brother back?”

Yoongi looks at you straight in the eye, “Of course I am, Y/N. I haven’t been this happy in a while. I’m just not feeling it. The dancing, I mean.”

“Oh, okay.” You sit back and move closer to him, resting your temple on his shoulder and watch your family happily dance. Your entire family—finally complete with a happy Hoseok, twirling the girl he loves in circles and laughing with his brothers and sisters. Your heart feels so full, so happy, it is overwhelming. You reach up to wipe the tear on your cheek as your other hand grips Yoongi’s on his lap. He squeezes back.

 _He’s back. He’s okay. You’re all complete_.

You catch Jungkook looking at your hand holding Yoongi’s, and when Yoongi tenses you realize he notices too. He lets go of your hand, but turns to plant a kiss on your forehead before heading to the kitchen. Jungkook stares at him as he walks, an unreadable expression on his face.

Hours later, the party has calmed down and most everyone sits in the living room, catching Hoseok up on everything he has missed. Whatever celebrity gossip has crossed minds, what movies he has missed, what has happened at school, and what mindless arguments in the group he has missed. It’s gotten to the point where Taehyung wants to tell Hoseok about a porn movie he and Jisoo watched, and the fact that she doesn’t seem a little bit embarrassed about it tells you that they’re both really drunk. Even Jimin wants to hear who has expressed his dislike for straight porn.

“Okay, I think you two have had enough to drink,” Jin says as he leans over to take away the drinks in Taehyung’s and Jisoo’s hands. They protest very little before they break into a fit of laughter that ends in them cuddling together on the couch.

You’ve had very little to drink, so you don’t think Jin will mind you having another one as you stand to walk over to the kitchen. As you stand, everyone turns to the kitchen when Yoongi’s loud and angry voice is heard.

“He fucking told me Jungkook! I wouldn’t make this shit up!”

Your insides twist uncomfortably at the fact that Yoongi and Jungkook are having an argument, and you find yourself walking quickly to the kitchen, with concerned Namjoon and Jin following behind.

“What do you want me to say?”

“I want you to fucking own up to it!”

“Fine, I did!”

When you reach the archway to the kitchen, you find Jungkook standing fairly close to Yoongi, looking down at him as he stands a few inches taller despite being younger. Even though he is taller, Yoongi seems to have the upper hand as he manages to appear to be looking down at Jungkook in disappointment, and hurt. And anger. You have only seen Yoongi this angry a few times, so you know what is going to happen if someone doesn’t intervene. But before anyone can step in, Yoongi brings his elbows back to then push Jungkook away from him, _hard_.

“Whoa, Yoon,” Namjoon warns as he steps beside you.

“You _fucking_ _asshole_!” he practically shouts as he strides over to him.

Jungkook, with an ashamed look, croaks, “I stopped, hyung, I stopped as soon as I saw what it was doing.”

“Don’t you dare ‘ _hyung’_ me Jungkook,” he shouts again as he pushes Jungkook back.

Jungkook’s face morphs from hurt to anger, and he pushes Yoongi away. “This isn’t with you Yoongi, it doesn’t concern you!”

“Hell, it does! It did the minute you started-“

“Yoongi, stop!” Namjoon shouts as he tries to step in between the two of them, but Yoongi brushes him off with a push.

“You think I’m going to forgive you for this?” Yoongi demands from Jungkook as he strides closer to him once more.

Jungkook looks him dead in the eye, a stoic expression. “I don’t need _your_ forgiveness.”

“You really are so far up your own ass aren’t you.”

“I told you, this isn’t with you.”

“It is with me because I care Jungkook, I fucking care!”

“I didn’t do anything wrong!” Jungkook argues, and as soon as he says it you can see it in his eyes that he realizes he’s said something he shouldn’t have.

Yoongi turns, running a hand down his face before he turns back to Jungkook and punches him in the face.

Everything becomes absolute chaos. You start shouting for Yoongi to get off Jungkook as Namjoon and Jin try to get him off him as he continues to punch and push Jungkook.

Taehyung is shouting for Jungkook to stop fighting back and to just block his hits. That he’ll make it worse.

Hoseok is screaming at Yoongi that it’s not worth it, and that is when everyone stops. Even the ones fighting.

An excruciating silence falls over the room as Jin holds a bloody Jungkook up, and Namjoon holds a bloody Yoongi up. Jungkook’s nose is bleeding, and he has a line of blood where Yoongi left a scar on his cheek. Yoongi’s lip is bleeding, and he has a similar but longer cut along the top of his cheek that is bleeding. Both boys’ knuckles are bloodied and bruised as they lay in fists to their sides.

“What do you mean?” Namjoon asks Hoseok.

In a low, hoarse voice, Yoongi says, “Jungkook has been selling drugs. And he was the one who started giving them to Hoseok.”


	3. 3

Namjoon feels like the knife plunged into his chest, the one pierced into his heart, is taken by its grip and is twisted the minute he registers Yoongi’s words. The room continues to be silent except for the panting from his two bloodied friends, an excruciating sound that penetrates his eardrums, like the _tick tock tick tock_ of a clock, counting off the seconds, the minutes passed.

His friends, his _family_ , have been the main source of his pain and contrastingly his happiness for years. He has cared so much for them, loved them, for as long as he can remember. They had a happy childhood, at least those moments where they’re all together are the happiest he can remember. Then, it all started crumbling down. Yoongi’s mom left him with his terrible dad, who is now gone. Everyone found out about Jisoo’s and Y/N’s shitty mom and Y/N’s anxiety. Jin was diagnosed. Taehyung’s stepdad exists. Jimin came out to his family. Hoseok’s drug problem. Now Jungkook.

Yoongi is right, they’re all slipping, and Namjoon has known this for a while. Will his family survive this? Will they break apart? Will they break each other instead of helping?

“Y-you did what, Jungkook?” he finally says, tilting his face upwards and moving his gaze away from the ground to focus on his beat-up friend.

“It’s not as easy to explain,” he croaks, no, he _pleas_.

Hoseok steps between Jungkook and Namjoon, facing his fuming friend. “Namjoon, he didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Are you fucking kidding me, Hoseok?” A struggling Yoongi says as Taehyung has taken over the job of holding him back. “He sold you the drugs that got you into this entire mess!”

“No he didn’t,” he argues. “I mean… he started selling me some weed, and then other stuff later on, but he stopped when he noticed what was happening.”

“And he decided to keep it to himself!” Namjoon shouts.

“I made him! I told him I’d rat him out!”

“That’s not an excuse,” Rosé’s soft voice whispers from her spot between Y/N and Jennie.

Namjoon runs a hand over his pink hair, a long sigh leaving his lips. His mind runs in circles trying to figure out what to say, what to do. He’s so angry he wants to punch Jungkook. He’s so hurt he wants to break down and scream.

His eyes land on Jimin and Taehyung who are looking at him with as much hurt and anger. They love Jungkook, _he_ loves Jungkook like the little brother he never had. No, Jungkook _is_ his little brother.

“You need to go,” he finally says.

“What?”

“Get out, Jungkook.”

“Hyung, let me-“

“I said get _the fuck_ _out_ , Jungkook!”

“Namjoon,” Hoseok pleas but Namjoon doesn’t say anything as Jungkook walks past him and through the living room. Not even when the sound of the front door closing is soft instead of a loud _bang_ does Namjoon say anything.

“You can’t just let him go without an explanation Joon,” Jisoo says, breaking the uncomfortable silence.

Walking towards the bathroom, Namjoon says, “I heard everything I needed to hear right now.” He pulls out the aid kit and hands it to Jimin who stands by the door. He looks like he wants to say something but he doesn’t. Taehyung does.

“I don’t even know how to process this whole mess. How did you even find out, Yoongi?”

Yoongi takes a seat on the couch next to the stairs as Y/N cleans the blood and his wounds. “I saw him—ow, Monkey—I saw him by the Rose Club. He, umm, he was selling to Lalice.”

Namjoon’s attention springs up again, _Lalice takes drugs?_ A sour taste gets stuck in his throat.

“I confronted him about it. I asked him how long he’d been selling. For two years now—“

“What?!” Taehyung and Jimin exclaim in unison.

“Yeah. So, I put one and one together, and I wanted to ask him first if he had ever given to Hoseok but he didn’t give me the chance. Then, this afternoon I asked Hoseok after I told him what had happened…”

“And I admitted that he had,” Hoseok chides in. He sits on top of the kitchen counter, his hands resting between his spread legs, fiddling with his fingers. “How he’d sold me some weed at first. Then he started selling other stuff and gave me some to try. I wanted more so I started buying, and buying. That was until he cut me off, he realized what was happening and told me to stop. He even threatened to tell you all, but I threatened to tell you about him. We left it at that, he didn’t know I found a different source. Obviously, he found out when the overdose happened.” 

Namjoon flinches at the reminder of finding Hoseok in his bedroom, of the way his entire world tilted and he thought his brother was gone. How he blamed himself, and knew he could have done something to prevent it. Everyone had asked him to quit. He kept saying he had, but he’d relapse, and everyone would coddle him and say that those things happened—but he was lying. He had turned into a liar, someone who sidelined his dreams and ambitions. He wasn’t his brother anymore, and he should have prevented it.

But, Hoseok is here now. He’s alive and better. He’s not the Hoseok he was before, but he’s getting there, and he will be the best version of himself he can be. Namjoon knows this, yet, he can’t help but worry for his friend now that he knows Jungkook is selling.

“He can’t come around when he’s got such a job,” Namjoon states.

“I agree. As much as I love him, I don’t want to risk it,” Jin adds.

Hoseok jumps off the island, his brows furrowed as he folds his arms in front of his chest. “I can handle myself. I wasn’t in rehab for so long to only have my friends not trust me. It’s not like he’ll be flaunting pills in front of my face. Plus, he wouldn’t dare sell me any!”

“I don’t give a shit. He could still trigger something,” Yoongi argues.

Hoseok sighs in frustration, his arms flaying up before he covers his face to muffle a small shout. “I was fine the entire night! Jungkook was never the problem, it was the fucking drugs. I understand that you’re all upset with him because he kept all of this from everyone, but don’t cast him out because of me. Don’t treat me like I’m some fragile butterfly. I’m trying to get back to normal, to get back to dancing and rapping. Don’t make this about the drugs, make this about Jungkook doing something dangerous, something that could get him in trouble.”

Namjoon suddenly has the urge to have a smoke.

He knows he’s a hypocrite; who is he to assume Hoseok can’t be in the same room as Jungkook without losing balance, when his own demon clings to the front pocket of his jeans. Always watching, always waiting for him to dip a toe into temptation because it knows that for Namjoon, a dip leads to a dive. Even now, his fingers twitch for that empty space between them to be filled.

“Look, we can talk about this later, I need to cool off. And process this. I’m sorry, Hobi, that your night back was ruined,” he says as he nears the stairs to head up to one of the rooms.

Hoseok shrugs, “It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not. We’ll make it up to you,” Jimin promises, “I’ll make those two apologize if they don’t,” he adds pointedly at Yoongi.

“I _am_ sorry!” he defends, then he turns to Hoseok with an apologetic pout, “I’m sorry Hobi, he just… pissed me off.” Hoseok nods and gives his older brother a smile.

Namjoon turns to head up the stairs, the cardboard box already out of his pocket and the lighter ready on his other hand.

* * *

 

You aren’t exactly sure what you are doing here, but you can’t seem to turn around and return to the bus stop. Pacing back and forth by the front door, your mind swarms with what to say—what to ask first. He must know you’re angry, he must know you will want answers, but will he give them?

Before you can gather your thoughts, the front door swings open and Jungkook is standing there, an unreadable expression on his face.

“You’ve been pacing for five minutes. I can see you from the window,” he says, motioning to the window displaying clipped up drapes and the sight of his living room.

“Oh,” you say, blood rushing to your cheeks.

“Come on.” He gestures towards the room and you step inside. “I know why you’re here. You’re not the first one to come. Taehyung and Jisoo came yesterday. Three from the J Quartet this morning—came in here like a gang. I thought Jennie would beat me up. The other two are going to pretend like I don’t exist for a while, but they will eventually make their way here.”

You had tried to get them both to come, but Namjoon laughed and went to take a smoke, while Yoongi looked at you as if you’d grown an extra arm and said, “I punched the living hell out of him, what makes you think I can see his face two days later?”

Realizing Jungkook’s confident tone, you turn to look back at him, but can’t seem to figure out whether it’s a façade or not. There was a time when you could read Jungkook so easily. When you used to spend more time with him than with Jisoo, sometimes more than with Yoongi. He had allowed you to get to know him behind that hard expression, behind all the pretense he hides behind. When he used to tell you about the freedom dancing gives him—how it liberates everything pent up inside him through the movements and the passion, without having anyone suspect it is his feelings which he expresses because he will just say he’s projecting the music.

Despite the awareness that you _used_ to know Jungkook, you have come to realize that despite the closeness, you never truly knew _all_ of him. He had kept this part of himself from you, too.

“I never knew… I didn’t even suspect it.”

“I hid it well.” He looks away from you but takes a step closer. “Don’t wreck your mind trying to find a way to blame yourself for this. To find a way in which you think you could have stopped me from doing it.” Jungkook’s eyes move up to your face, a stern yet honest expression stares back at you. He whispers, “I needed to sell. I got myself into this mess, and I will get myself out of it, Y/N.”

You can’t help but feel a little hurt by his words. Does he think so little of the closeness you two had? Could you really not had influenced him to stop before it got to this point?

“I care about you Kook. I don’t understand… why did you do it?” you ask in a whisper. Your eyes move along his face, reading every inch of his expression hoping not to see that grind of his teeth he does before he is about to lie. You two may not know each other the way you used to, but Jungkook has always been good at hiding things.

“My mom needs the money. My dad keeps losing money through his gambling. If it wasn’t for me we’d be in serious debt.” He says it nonchalantly, as if it is a reasonable cause for which to start selling drugs and put your life on the line. He looks away from you once more and focuses on the wall behind you. He starts to move but you grab his arm to hold him back.

“Jungkook. Why didn’t you tell us?”

He sighs, only to stay silent for minutes until he finally says, “Why would I? Everyone has enough on their plates as it is. Then everything started going to shit and it just seemed like the right time would never come.”

Jungkook tugs his arm away from your grip but you tighten your hold on him.

“Why didn’t you tell _me_?” you finally ask. Your eyes focus on his for a millisecond before he shamelessly looks away.

“I couldn’t,” he admits, his voice hoarse and low.

Whispering, you ask, “Why? Did you not trust me enough? Did you not care for me en-“

“Are you joking?” he suddenly demands, his voice back to normal but with a higher volume. He’s not yelling at you, but there is this severity to his voice that makes you stop talking. “Of course, I trusted you. I still do. And for fuck’s sake Y/N, I was falling in love with you.”

Your hand falls away from his arm and you take a step away from him, your eyes focusing on the collar of his blue flannel. Swallowing hard, your teeth biting on your bottom lip, you master the strength to look up at him. When your eyes land on his pained look your stomach churns. You can’t help but take that step back to him. “What?” you whisper.

You liked Jungkook, so much sometimes it was painful. You liked everything about him—even the petty fights you would have. You liked how he talked about dancing, about his family, about wanting to move abroad. Most importantly, you liked how he made you feel. The way butterflies would burst in your stomach when he’d look at you. How his hands on your body would give you goosebumps. How kissing him would leave you with a smile on your face. How he made you feel like your life was sweet when in reality it wasn’t. But that was all it ever was. You weren’t falling in love with him, were you? It’s been such a long time, as if you were a completely different person back then. What you had with Jungkook was a sweet fling, but that was all it ever was. For you.

Not that the intimacy never brought you two together, on the contrary, there was clearly a connection. _But was it love?_ He wasn’t your first, you’d had sex before, but with him it was different. He made you feel safe. He knew you like no one else did, that was for certain, but it always felt like being with him was a safe haven with which you could ignore your problems and focus only on the two of you. But there was always something missing. And Jungkook figured it out before you did.

***

_“What are you talking about?” you plea for the second time as he refuses to look at you._

_Jungkook folds his arms in front of his chest, almost as if he is creating a barrier between the two of you. “I just can’t go on like this, pretending like I’m okay with this or hoping that one day you will see me the same way. That you will open up the way you open up with him.”_

_“Babe, what… Jungkook, you know me like no one else does, what are you-“_

_“You and Yoongi, that’s what I’m talking about.”_

_“Me and Yoon… Kook, there’s nothing—what are you talking about? He’s my best friend.”_

_“Exactly. I’ll never have you the way he has you.”_

***

He was right. Although Jungkook knew you like no one else did because you were sleeping together, your connection has never been as deep as the one you have with Yoongi. Yoongi _knows_ you and understands you. He has seen you at your worst and has seen you at your best, and not once did he look away. You grew up with him, therefore with him you’ve never had to hide anything. You feel like you can talk about anything with him. Jungkook knew he could never compare to Yoongi, and that broke him apart because he was falling in love with you, while you were oblivious to such.

“I was falling in love with you,” Jungkook whispers, his voice low and so close to your face that you jump at the feel of his breath on your cheek. “I don’t think I’ve stopped falling, Y/N.”

You release a short gasp at his words. He needs to stop talking, and you want to tell him that, but when you look up at him once more you lose the words. You stop breathing and a surge of panic spreads through you. His eyes are shutting as his face nears yours, and you want to stop him but his hands come up to cup your face, gripping your face before he kisses you. It all happens so fast, yet you can see it all moving in slow motion; the way his lips press desperately to your closed lips, the way his tongue runs along trying to part your lips. It has been so long since you’ve been kissed that you momentarily forget who you are kissing and what is happening when you start kissing him back. Only for a few seconds, before you snap out of it.

“Jungkook, stop!” Your hands push his chest away, dragging his hands off your face. “ _Don’t_.” You take a step away from him, and unable to tolerate the wide-eyed expression on his face you look away from him. As your eyes fall on the window behind him, still trying to catch your breath, you suddenly feel like the air is knocked painfully out of you.

Yoongi is standing outside, his hands shoved into the pockets of his dress pants, his jaw set as his eyes look back and forth between you and Jungkook.

“Yoongi,” his name falls out of your lips like a painful moan and you take a step towards the door.

Before you can run after him, Jungkook grabs your arm to pull you back.

“Don’t go, _please_.”

His voice tugs at your chest. Jungkook is your friend, and you care so much for him. The last thing you’d want is to hurt him, but you’d rather die than hurt Yoongi.

Tugging at your arm from his grip, you plea, “Jungkook, please, let go of me.”’ Your voice shakes as you speak, the fear of Yoongi running away demanding at your attention.

“He’ll never do it, you know. He will never be with you. He’s too proud, too stubborn with his feelings. He’d cut off a limb before hurting me.”

You blink away at his hateful words. He’s saying this to hurt you for rejecting him, you know this, but you can’t help but find truth in the painful words.

“I don’t care,” you admit in a croaky tone. His grip loosens and you sprint out the door before he can try to stop you again.

Yoongi is no longer outside the house so you start jogging in the direction of the bus, when you turn on the first corner you find him. He’s standing by a tree, rubbing his knuckles.

Panting from the running, you bend down to settle your hands on your knees to catch your breath. Yoongi turns startled, he looks at you for a second before turning away and he starts walking.

“Please stop,” you ask in between catching your breath. “It’s not what you think.”

“It doesn’t matter what I think.”

“Yoongi!”

But he doesn’t stop. A little anger surges through you, enough to give you the strength to grunt and jog once more to catch up to him. You grab his white dress shirt and pull him to stop, making him turn towards you—but he doesn’t look at you. He stares off behind you and it feels too familiar, except in this situation you feel like _you_ have something at stake.

“Why are you wearing dress pants and shirt?” _This is good. Break the ice with this and slowly bring up what he saw._

“Had a meeting with the insurance company about the house.”

A wave of worry makes the frown appear on your face; _is he in trouble?_ “Do-do they know it was you?”

“No. But they suspect after I told them my father ran off with my producing equipment.”

“Oh… can’t you…” you were going to say “ _blame it on him_ ” but it sounds too insensitive in your head.

“Blame it on my dad? I did. Technically it’s his fault. Plus, I told them I didn’t want the money, that they can find him or my mother and give it to them. They probably suspect me more now.” His bloodied hand runs over his fading mint hair and you stare as his fingers disappear in the midst. When his hand comes down to rest by his side, you reach for it.

You swallow as he allows you to take his hand in yours and inspect the damage. With your other hand, you gently run fingers over the tender broken skin and feel him flinch.

“Was hitting a tree necessary?” you ask in a whisper.

He’s silent for beat before he says, his tone on edge, “Yeah it was. Otherwise I would have punched him.”

When you turn to look at him, his angry expression is glaring back at you. “Why?” you think you say but you don’t hear the word as your eyes get lost in his expression. In his face.

“He forced himself on you at first. Before you kissed him back.” His voice breaks at the end, the sound making your heart compress in your chest. You take a step closer to him.

“It was an unwelcomed reflect,” you whisper, “I hadn’t kissed anyone in a while.” Your gaze falls down to his lip, the pit of your stomach burns when he runs his tongue over his bottom lip. “I didn’t want to kiss him.”

“But he wanted to kiss you. He wants you back.” Yoongi’s voice is low and careful. As if saying the words hurts him.

You shake your head to assure him somehow. “I don’t.”

His eyes seem to focus at your words. He looks at you, you notice the way his Adam’s apple moves up and down as he swallows before looking back at his intense dark eyes.

“I can’t cross the boundaries, Y/N.”

 _The most hurtful words_. Jungkook was right, no matter how much you want to fantasize that he might make the imaginary line disappear, he won’t.

“What about me? What if I don’t see these boundaries? What if I don’t _want_ them?” You know you’re starting to sound desperate, but that’s because you are. How much longer will he pretend like there is nothing between you? Like you can continue living with this constant reminder that there is something here you both won’t acknowledge despite it screaming at the top of its lungs?

He leans down to rest his forehead on yours, his hand coming up to gently cup your cheek. You release a sigh at the warm touch, and cannot help but reach up to palm his hand as his touches your skin.

“I can’t. He loves you,” he croaks. The words are filled with so much pain you almost moan in empathy.

With your empty hand, you reach forward to grip his arm and pull him closer. “What about you?” the words are soft, a muffled whisper that escapes through the emotions bubbling at the surface of your heart.

“I don’t matter.”

Your eyes shut at his words.

“You matter to me. You’re all that matters.”

Suddenly he’s away from you, leaving you cold. This time you reach for him though, you pull at his arm and try to tug him closer. He doesn’t budge. “ _Yoongi_.”

His eyes look in your direction but he doesn’t look at you. “I shouldn’t be.” He pulls his arm away from your grip but you reach for him again. “ _Stop_.”

“ _No_.”

“Monkey-“

“Don’t call me that!”

At this he turns, startled. “Y/N?”

“Don’t ever call me that again.” The bubbling of emotions begins to boil. He is never going to make the darn boundaries disappear, and you’re growing tired of pretending. “You want boundaries, Yoongi? You got them.”

* * *

 

With his head low, the hood of his grey sweater over his cheeks, Taehyung walks quickly past the living room and heads towards the front door.

“Tae, honey, is that you?”

“Er, yeah, ma. You need something? I’m heading out.”

He can hear the clutter of dishes on the breakfast table in the small silence that spreads as he waits for his mother to speak, hoping hers is the voice that makes it into the living room.

“Isn’t it a little early to be going out?” the man asks instead, his voice already annoyed despite Taehyung having done nothing. That’s a lie. He exists, and that is what annoys this man the most.

Taehyung clears his throat, mastering all his strength into forcing his voice to be believably even and nonchalant. He can’t let it show that even hearing the man’s voice boils his blood. “It’s Saturday, and I’m going out to eat with my friends for breakfast.”

The man grunts.

“Okay, be careful honey, and can you bring some milk when you come back. Whatever time that will be.”

“Yes, momma, I will.” Taehyung slips out of his house as if staying any longer could make his allergies start acting up. In a way it could, if allergic reactions consisted of overboiling anger, screaming, and breakdowns.

He walks quickly, for thirty minutes, until he reaches the cafe in which his girlfriend is waiting. He still can’t believe that she’s his girlfriend—possibly more so because they haven’t told anyone. It doesn’t seem appropriate with everything that is going on. He and Jisoo decided to wait on telling people until everyone was in good terms with each other. Now it is not just that Jungkook isn’t talking to Namjoon and Yoongi, but that Yoongi and Y/N haven’t been talking for over a week. Taehyung noticed it last week, Y/N went out of her way to ignore Yoongi, while he seemed to struggle with wanting to talk to her. He keeps looking at her like he’s about to say something but doesn’t. No one knows what happened, she didn’t even tell Jisoo, and Yoongi won’t tell anyone. But somehow, Taehyung suspects it has something to do with Jungkook. Whatever love triangle they are in, it only seems to be getting more tense the more secrets are surfaced.

Jisoo smiles widely at Taehyung as he approaches the table she’s sitting at. She’s wearing a warm yellow dress with flower prints, and a jean jacket. She looks so radiant that Taehyung’s heart flutters at her beauty. He’s been in love with her since he can remember having memories of her. They grew up together, he knows her like no one else does, and she him. If Taehyung believed in soulmates, she’d be his. It’s a good thing Jisoo does believe in them.

“Hey, Sooso, good morning,” he whispers as he bends down to plant a kiss on her cheek, then proceeds to sit to her left.

“Hi,” she says chirpily as she carefully pulls a mug of coffee closer to him. “I ordered you some French toast, is that okay?”

“Perfect, thanks babe,” he assures as he takes a sip of the very welcoming dark and bitter liquid. He can feel her staring at him, and he knows she’s going to find out eventually, but he’d rather have it happen later—after he’s enjoyed breakfast with his girlfriend, held hands, and whispered a normal conversation between each other. Maybe she can tell him about her lectures this week. Whether she finished all her homework yesterday. If the approaching finals are worrying her like they are him.

He feels her hand reaching forward before he actually sees it, her fingers reaching for his hood and pulling it down. Jisoo gasp, and through sheer instinct, he takes her hand in his and squeezes it. “I’m fine, Sooso, I promise.”

Her eyes water as she stares at the large cut on his cheek, on the black eye forming on his left eye. “Why? What happened this time, Tae?”

He shakes his head, “Same bullshit as always. He got drunk, and he started talking shit to my mom. I got pissed off and told him to stop.”

“I gather he didn’t, so you hit him?”

“He deserved it.”

Her hand slips from his. When he looks up at her face, she is looking away, her jaw tense.

“Ji-“

“Why, Tae, why do you provoke him like that? You know if you hit him he will only hit you harder. He’s bigger.”

“Fuck, what about my mom, Ji? If I let him direct his anger at her… _fuck_.” The thought only makes the hairs at the back of his neck stand. A surge of anger makes him push his coffee mug away, causing some of the dark liquid to splash onto the marbled white table. He softly bangs his elbows on the table, rubbing his face in the process, his fingers pressing on the still sensitive skin over his eye and his cheek making him flinch.

Jisoo reaches for his wrist and pulls his hand away from his face. Her dark eyes look him straight in his as she whispers, “I love you, please try not to get hurt so much, please? For me? For her?” She presses his palm over her cheek and Taehyung takes the opportunity to caress her soft skin.

“I’ll try, babe, I will. I love you, too.” He leans forward and presses a soft kiss to her lips, it doesn’t even take her a second to reciprocate. It’s a short but sweet kiss. The only times Taehyung has had sweetness and softness in his life are in all those moments he shares with her. He never let’s himself forget that. She, and his friends, and his mother, are the reason why he would never let that bastard win. Not even if he’s on the floor, being beaten to a pulp, and unconsciousness is whispering sweet nothings in his ears. He doesn’t give into temptation, he fights back, because he knows that if he didn’t have anything to live for, he would let the asshole beat him to death—and he’d do it welcomingly.

The waitress interrupts their nice moment by laying their food in front of them, a short apology falling in a whisper from her as she excuses herself. They eat in whispers of a conversation Taehyung hoped they’d have with a few stares from her towards his injuries, but with a large smile from him—the kind she loves—she looks away and focuses on their conversation. Once they’ve finished they head to the only place on this planet where they feel like they belong. _Home_.

* * *

Yoongi knew he’d fucked up. That was as clear as water. They had never gone this long without talking, but that wasn’t the problem, the problem was that Yoongi was starting to believe that nothing would make this stop. Whatever she had decided, the only thing that could reverse the decision she had made, is something Yoongi can’t allow himself to do—to feel—no matter what. And it’s killing him.

He needs her. He needs to talk to her. He needs to scream about Jungkook, he needs to let out his frustrations about school, he needs to hear her voice to feel better. He needs to hear her tell him that it’s going to be okay. He needs to hear about her day, hear her laugh, hear her own frustrations. Hear how annoyed she is that he and Namjoon aren’t talking to Jungkook yet. And he could tell her this, Yoongi knows this isn’t crossing the line, because anyone would miss their best friend if they fought, but what he can’t admit out loud is that he needs her _warmth_. He misses her hands. Her arms wrapped around whatever part of his body she feels acceptable to wrap herself around without thinking she will annoy him. He misses laying down on her bed next to the warmth of her body. He fucking misses wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close to ease the aches in his heart. He misses the welcoming warmth of the crook of her neck. He needs those moments of whispering a mindless conversation to each other in the middle of the night.

Not talking to Y/N is driving him so crazy, he is starting to miss things that have never happened before—things he’s wanted to do with her for so long. Things from his nightmares. From his dreams. Yoongi has no idea how to make the misery stop, but he feels the longer he lets this continue, the further away from him she will get.

He doesn’t expect to see her when he reaches the bottom of the stairs and walks into the kitchen, but there she stands with Hoseok, Rosé, and Jennie. He quickly soaks in her simple outfit, her hair pulled back in a ponytail which allows him to see her naked face in full beauty.

“Morning, lazy ass, we brought breakfast,” Jennie says as she gestures to the bags on the table.

Yoongi nods, “Is anyone else here?”

“Yeah, Jimin and Jin stayed in the room by the living room last night. You didn’t notice?” 

He shakes his head as he sits by the table and takes out his chicken. He knows by the markings on the box that this is the one for him. He makes it a thing not to look at Y/N, but now he’s starting to believe he’s only making it worse. He feels Hoseok sit next to him, but he doesn’t look up from his food once.

Yoongi tunes out their conversation, not from choice but from the tornado of thoughts sweeping through his mind as he gives himself excuses not to look at her. He knows she’s not looking at him, if he knows something about her—and he knows everything—is that she can be stubborn when she needs to be. She is not going to crack, she is waiting for _him_ to crack.

As soon as he takes the last bite, Yoongi stands from the table, cleans up after himself, and heads outside just as Taehyung and Jisoo step in. He grabs his wrist, taking Yoongi by surprise, and pulls him back from the door.

“Hey, have you talked to her?”

Yoongi turns to look at him and stares, pretending as if he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He notices the bruising on Taehyung’s eye and the scarring on his cheek. “What happened,” he asks, gesturing towards his face with a nod.

“Same shit. Answer my question, though.”

Yoongi sighs, slipping his wrist away from Taehyung, “No, Tae. I’m going for a walk.” Before his friend can say anything, he steps out.

He’s relieved to be away from the pressure of not talking to her, but only for a second, before he notices Jimin and Jin standing outside playing with Jin’s camera and the disheveled front yard.

“What’s going on?” Yoongi asks, going for the conversation before they can beat him to one he does not want to have.

“I’m helping Jin with his homework, where are you going?”

Yoongi shrugs at them and waves as he tries to get past them without another word.

“I could use your help. I’m doing a collection on friendship and this place. I still need photos and video of you,” Jin says.

He looks back the house, then at his friends. He could use a distraction, but he doesn’t think he can deal with talking about Y/N. He knows they will ask. “Well, um, what would you need me to do?”

Jin looks around the front yard, then at his camera. “Maybe just lay down around the place. Stand by the tags Tae made, and make that annoyed face you make when someone talks to you when you’re in a bad mood.”

“I make no such face,” he protests, frowning.

“You’re making the face,” Jimin muses with a grin, and Yoongi can’t help but laugh a little.

Rolling his eyes, Yoongi gives in, “Fine, I’ll just sit by this bush.”

He sits by the flowers, bending his knees and resting his folded arms on top, then looks at Jin for direction.

“No…” he trails off as he walks back a bit and looks through his camera lens, “It looks too forced. Spread your legs forward, and your palms on the ground as you lean back.”

“Is that supposed to represent me?” Yoongi asks as he does what he’s asked.

Jin tells him to shut up and to move his left leg away from the sunshine hitting the ground, making his leg lay parallel to the sunshine. This way, his entire body lays in the shadows, while the light is right next to him. “You like to hide in plain sight sometimes, blend in, so close your eyes and look up at the sky. And relax, think about something nice.”

Yoongi tries. He searches his mind for something, and finds images of a smile, of soft lips and skin, the sound of loud laughter. Hands on his skin…

“Now, open your eyes and look straight at the camera.”

Yoongi does, his eyes a little disoriented from having them shut.

“You may blend in, but your stare gives you out. It announces you are there. You carry yourself like a quiet person, but you’re loud. That’s why your raps are always passionate—it’s where you project that loudness,” Jin states as he looks away from the camera and straight at Yoongi.

It makes him uncomfortable to be under his friend’s scrutiny, but he feels the truth in them. It gives him goosebumps.

“Now, bend a leg, rest your elbow on top and pull at your hair with that hand.”

Yoongi bends forward and does as he is told. “What does this say?”

“That you’re a badass. I’m not using it, but you can as a mixtape cover. Make it black and white, or with a cool filter I can add. Some lettering, and _bam_ , you have yourself a mixtape cover where you lay in dirt, in a disheveled front yard, surrounded by flowers. Balance of hardcore and beauty,” Jin says with a mischievous smile that makes Yoongi and Jimin burst out in laughter.

Jimin had remained quiet during the entire thing, but as Yoongi stands to leave—hoping he can continue helping Jin later—he finally speaks. “I know you don’t want us to ask, but, what’s going on between the two of you?”

Dusting off his jeans, Yoongi admits, “I don’t know.” He’s being honest without needing to say anything.

“Will you be okay?”

“I don’t know that either, Jimin.”

“Okay, what? Are you serious? Is it _that_ bad?” Jin chimes in.

Yoongi shrugs, “She’s not talking to me, and there’s no way to fix it.” He doesn’t know why he is being so honest, maybe because they buttered him up with the photoshoot, or because he finally wants to talk about it, make some sense of it all.

“What do you mean?” Jimin asks.

“I don’t know, to be honest. She’s being stubborn, and fuck, _I’m_ being stubborn.” The honesty is now just spilling out of him.

“Yoongi, does this by any chance have anything to do with Jungkook?” Jin says, turning off his camera and placing it inside its case.

Running a hand through his fading mint hair, Yoongi shrugs. “Somewhat.”

“This love triangle is an actual nightmare.”

At Jimin’s words, Yoongi tenses. He needs to get far away from this conversation.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he says as he tries to walk past them again.

Jimin tries to pull him back but fails, only to say after him, “C’mon, I’m sorry! But’s it’s so obvious.”

“ _Jimin_!” Jin protests as Yoongi gets further away from them.

Yoongi always tried to make sure that no one knew how he felt, but he’s not stupid enough to pretend like his friends didn’t catch on. But it’s much different when they confront him about it, he’d rather they keep it to themselves, especially when his feelings could hurt someone he cares about.

* * *

 

By the time it is dark out, Yoongi figures it is time to go back home. He’d hoped he would find the place empty, but as he steps back in, he finds Namjoon, Hoseok and Taehyung watching television and eating snacks.

“Where have you been?” Namjoon asks without looking away from the screen.

“Just around. Did some writing and recording on my phone by the park. Everyone else left?”

“She’s in the kitchen doing homework,” Taehyung says as he looks inside what is clearly an empty bag of chips. Yoongi glares at him, but heads to the kitchen either way.

Y/N sits by the table, but she seems to have finished her homework as she closes her textbook and starts shoving things into her bag. Yoongi leans by the archway, watching her silently before he has to confront the fact that she’s going to ignore him. He watches her put away her notebook and her pens and highlighters. Finally, she looks away from her bag and looks up to find Yoongi. She looks at him dead in the eyes, blinks once, twice, then looks away to stand up.

Yoongi, with a sigh, walks over to the kitchen counter and grabs one of the water bottles—most likely brought in by Namjoon. “How long are you going to ignore me?” he finally asks, his voice low, almost a whisper.

“I’m not ignoring.”

At her voice, the bottle almost slips from his hands.

She walks up next to him and reaches for a bottle herself.

He hadn’t heard her voice be directed at him, so it takes him by surprise how different it sounds. She has a way of talking to him, low and personal. Unless she’s angry or upset. This sounds cold, detached—not his _Monkey_.

He clears his throat before saying, “It feels that way.” He turns to look at her and finds her shrug before she takes a sip of water. Her hair is no longer in a ponytail, and Yoongi would give anything to reach forward to brush her strands of hair away from her cheek and behind her ear. “What do I have to do?” his lips whisper before he realizes what he’s saying.

She’s taken aback by his words, it’s clear as she swallows hard despite no longer having the bottle to her lips. Y/N looks wide eyed at Yoongi. She puts the bottle down and turns her entire body to face Yoongi, her eyes searching for his, and when they find each other, Yoongi takes an involuntary step closer to her. She takes one back.

“I need you to tell me the truth Yoongi,” she finally says, “Either that or… lie to me. Break my… Lie to me and make those boundaries you claim so badly to have with me. Speak them into existence, otherwise I don’t know what else to do.”

The bluntness of her words is poison to his wounds. He knows exactly what she means, therefore he knows what he needs to do, but doing that would shatter his heart into a million pieces—into irreparable scattered pieces of the only thing that is keeping him afloat in a sea of ache.   

“ _Now_ , Yoongi,” she pleads through gritted teeth. Her watery eyes stare at him, and it makes his heart constrict on itself at the fact that he has to put her through so much.

“Y/N-“

“ _Yoongi_. Say. It.”

He has to look away from her to gather his feelings, his thoughts, but he knows she has to hear him saying it while looking into her eyes so she can believe him—or be hurt enough to believe that he means what he is trying to do. Yoongi knows what he must say, but he’s unsure if he can say it.

He looks back at her, his own eyes betraying him as he looks at her teary ones.

In a hoarse, broken voice, Yoongi finally says, “Y/N… W-we can’t happen. You and I, we can never be together. I would never do that to him. We have to remain friends, and only friends.” He can’t lie to her, not in the way she is asking. She wants him to say that he feels nothing for her and he can’t bring himself to say that. He can only say this.

Yoongi swallows the huge lump stuck in his throat and looks away from his best friend.

“Not even if I have zero feelings for him?” she whispers, her voice shaky and hurt. It makes Yoongi flinch. He wants nothing but to reach forward to take her in his arms but he knows he shouldn’t.

“I’m not sure that is true.”

She takes a step towards him, and it’s him this time who has to step away.

“But I don’t, Yoongi, what do I have to do to prove that to you?”

Her desperation tugs at the seams keeping him from losing control.

He finally looks back at her, guilt and pain showing on his frown, a frown he hopes she can’t read so well—but she knows him, and she can tell. “Nothing, because he still loves you, and he’s one of my best friends.”

She blinks several times, her tears finally falling from her eyelashes and onto her skin. “I’m one of your best friends, and you’re hurting _me_ , Yoongi.”

Her words are like a knife to his chest. He takes a shaky breath and rubs his face with his hands, not wanting to look at her anymore after what he knows she is going to do. “I’m sorry,” is all he whispers without looking at her.

“Me too,” Y/N whispers in a shaky voice. She reaches up to her chest and rips the _M_ necklace from her neck, making Yoongi flinch at the forceful action—another blunt to his chest. She tosses the necklace at his chest and Yoongi catches it between his fingers before it falls.

“ _Monkey_ ,” he pleas in a whisper.

“No. No more calling me that. No more sleeping in my bed, in my room. And for the time being, stay the fuck away from me, Min Yoongi.”

His eyes betray him further, and with tear stained eyes he reaches for her arm, but she pulls away, and walks off, leaving him alone with the necklace he gave her. The _M_ necklace that stood for Min Yoongi. A definition only they know about without either of them needing to speak it out loud, but now there is no need nor use for a necklace that means there is something more than friendship between them. Yoongi isn’t sure friendship still stands between them.


	4. 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heavy depictions of domestic abuse and violence—self defence murder (as I said, heavily based on hyyh, I’m sure you all know what scene I am talking about), blood.

As you curl onto your side, facing away from the sunlight coming in through the cursed fucking window, you tug the blanket over yourself and up to your chin. You don’t remember when was the las time you felt this broken, this lost. Who are you supposed to go to? You haven’t even told your sister what happened because you know you will only ruin her mood. It’s so obvious that she and Taehyung are together, they just haven’t told anyone for whatever reason, but the last thing you want is to burst their happy bubble.

It feels as if someone died. You lost your best friend while trying to make him something _more_. There is no way back from this, you know it in the same way you know he would never do anything to hurt Jungkook. He doesn’t care for you enough to put aside the feelings Jungkook has for you—feelings you have repeatedly said you do not reciprocate—but he is willing to break your heart to protect another one of his best friends.

It’s difficult to wrap your head around the idea that you have never been the most important person for Yoongi when he has been yours. There haven’t been many people in your life to care about other people the way your friends care about each other. You’d all probably die for each other. Despite this, favoritism is inevitable in your family. Some souls call strongly to another sometimes—like your sister and Taehyung. And sometimes it doesn’t even have to be romantic, like the way Namjoon cares for Jimin and Hoseok. The way Jimin and Jennie care for Jin. It’s natural to become protective of someone in a family like yours—you all have something that makes you _weak_. But Yoongi be more protective of Jungkook? It never crossed your mind. He is constantly arguing with Jungkook, and now you understand it’s partially because they both have feelings for you, and Yoongi has always been a little of the jealous type, but also because they are very different. Jungkook and Yoongi are both reckless with their strong emotions, keep secrets to protect others, and are strong willed. Nevertheless, somehow, deep in your bones you know they are opposites. Jungkook can sometimes be selfish, and will do as he pleases to get his way. Yoongi would rather cut off a limb than be selfish, but he will still do as he pleases as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone… until now.

No matter how hard you try to understand Yoongi’s actions, you just can’t get into his head. _Why would he protect Jungkook? Jungkook practically said he loves you, but how much of that is real? Is honest? Is true love?_ You know each other, but never as well as you would need to love someone—you are sure of that. Maybe he just _wants_ you, and he’s confusing _want_ with _love_. Maybe he just wants you because you have never cared for him the way you care for Yoongi, and that hurts him. The last thing you ever wanted was to hurt Jungkook, but he was right when he broke things off with you. You were never official but there was something more than flirting and hooking up. He was a distraction, as horrible as that sounds, but it was never enough. It wasn’t what you wanted deep down, and Jungkook was expecting more but knew you could never give it. He knows this, but why does he insists that he loves you?

An awful thought pops into your head, _what if he has been doing all of this on purpose, because he knows Yoongi will remove himself from the picture and he can pursue you_? No. He wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t hurt Yoongi like that, no matter how strong Jungkook’s feelings for you may be.

 _Have you done anything to lead Jungkook into thinking you still have feelings for him?_ There was a time when you thought you still cared for him in that way, or sometimes you miss said distraction—not specifically with him, but in general. He was good to you, that you are sure of, but it was never what you truly wanted.

 _Maybe Jungkook thinks that if you know Yoongi would rather hurt you than him, you’d get over him once and for all?_ If Jungkook does think that, maybe he is not wrong. Why should you long after someone who does not reciprocate your feelings? It doesn’t mean you will go after Jungkook now, but it means you should try to move on. You should try to get your best friend back and get rid of those feelings that have harbored in your heart for years. _Will he still want your friendship?_ _Would you?_

No matter how hard you try, you can’t seem to understand Yoongi’s actions— _maybe you didn’t know him as well as you thought?_ Could it be that the reason he pushed you away, wasn’t because of Jungkook, but something completely different? _Or a mixture of things he has kept from you? But what?_

Questioning him will only make things worse for yourself.

It has been over a week since the heartbreaking encounter. You’ve refused to go home, giving Namjoon the excuse that isn’t much of an excuse—homework and studying. You have never been as glad about homework piling up and assignments dreadfully having similar due dates as you do now, it has given you the best distraction possible. Staying at the library until late hours of the night, catching up on work and studying for the finals that will be coming soon enough has been your life for the past week. You feel bad for rejecting Jin, Jimin’s and Jennie’s offers. Namjoon caught on enough to know that asking once is enough. And to this minute, Jisoo and Taehyung keep bombarding you with texts about third wheeling with them; they didn’t use that exact word, but it was practically implied. You’d much rather wallow in the confinement of your bedroom for as long as you can. Get Min Yoongi out your head.

About two hours later, you wake up form a nap to the sound of your phone ringing—it had been ringing several times, but in the midst of your unconscious sleep, you could only hear the faint ringing. It stops when you reach for it on the bed, but as you slowly open your eyes, adjusting to the orange light of the setting sun, you notice the ridiculous amount of notifications on your phone.

Five of those are messages from Namjoon.

 **Namjoon** : _Home, now. It’s Tae._

Your stomach drops in fear. He repeated that three times with exclamation points, adding “It’s serious Y/N,” that last one was sent three minutes ago. You jump out of bed, change out of your pajamas into the first items you find in your drawers, pull on some shoes, and run out the door. You text Jisoo to make sure she’s okay, but she doesn’t answer.

With a heavy feeling in your chest, you make your way home as quickly as you can. _Something bad happened, something_ really _bad_. Unsure of what to expect, you take your phone out of your pocket and consider calling before reaching the house—are you sure you want to be surprised?

As you turn the corner, Jennie and Yoongi are pulling into the house in Jennie’s car and you take off in a sprint, hoping to ask if they know what happened. You reach the house as they hurry out of the car.

“Jen, what happened?” you ask between gasps of air as you try to catch your breathing.

Jennie shakes her head as she walks beside you inside the house, “I have no fucking idea, but Namjoon sounded bad on the phone. He was freaked.”

“ _Fuck_ ,” you whisper as you make it into the kitchen. The living room was empty, but so is the kitchen.

Yoongi clears his throat behind you, your hairs standing at the sound of him. You haven’t even allowed yourself to turn to look at him. “I think they’re in the pool.”

All three of you walk out to the backyard to find the rest of your friends huddled inside the pool. When they hear you jump in, they part away from Taehyung, and you gasp out loud. There’s blood on Taehyung.

* * *

 

The shouting and screaming is a loud siren to Taehyung. The second his hands push open the front door of his apartment, he sprints inside and runs to his mother’s room. Is he too late? Has he already hit her? Does he still have time to shout some profanities and hateful words to turn the disgusting man’s hatred onto him?

When Taehyung barges into the bedroom, his heart sinks. His mother is on the floor, screaming for the man to stop as he leans over her with a belt, _smack smack smack_ on his mother’s delicate skin. Taehyung’s hands start shaking, the anger that rests in his veins rising and boiling to a breaking point within seconds. Next thing he knows he is screaming, his step-father slams against the back wall, his elbow crashing against the window with a loud _thud_. Taehyung’s bent elbow stretches back, his hand already in a fist, and he punches like his life depends on it.

A cracking sound emits from the man’s nose when their skin connects. Taehyung’s mother tugs at his pants from the floor to stop, but he can’t. Everything flashes in front of Taehyung’s eyes—it becomes like a series of shots played out in front of him. His mother screaming, the red blood, the cracking and slapping sounds, the throbbing pain in his bruised knuckles. The shouting from his mother. His deep breaths mirroring the labors breaths of his step-father. He continues to hit the man until his face is bloody. That’s when the man starts fighting back.

The belt comes swinging and slaps Taehyung loudly and brutally on his stomach, his skin burning and his lips shouting in pain at the leather that could leave such a stinging feeling because of his thin shirt. The man takes an opportunity as Taehyung curls onto himself—clutching his skin and trying to keep from falling—by punching him, knocking Taehyung back. He stumbles backwards as he tries to keep his balance, but the back of his feet reach the back wall. His head hits the door frame and he falls against it, slipping down to the floor. Taehyung’s head throbs at the contact, his eyesight going fuzzy for a few seconds, and he as to blink a few times to clear the uncertain images in front of him.

Through the shaky view, he sees his mother crawl towards his step-father and beg as he stalks towards Taehyung on the floor.

“ _Please, don’t_! Hit me! Hit _me_ instead!”

“You will get yours after I _kill_ the fucking _bastard_!”

Two—no, three belts swing upwards as two blurry marriages of his step-father step in front of him. Taehyung covers his face with his arms, waiting for the worst, but it doesn’t come. Instead, a shrieking noise makes him shout out in pain, the sound of his mother’s pain spreading through his body and knocking the air out of him. He manages to look up, only to find his mother holding on to her bloodied cheek as she stumbles back on the floor. Taehyung’s heart shrivels into nothing as he watches him garb his mother by the arms.

“I told you to get the fuck out of my way!”

The shouting doesn’t stop there, Taehyung knows it, but a ringing in his ears makes their voices disappear. The skin on his stomach stings in pain as he sits back to hold onto the door frame and guide himself upward. He has to save his mother somehow before he starts hitting her again. When he manages to stand, he looks around the room. It all feels strange to Taehyung, as if his soul has left his body. _Who am I? Where am I? Who is this guy, standing frigid by the door unable to do anything as this asshole starts hitting his mother again? Move, Tae, for fuck’s sake!_ MOVE _!_

The ringing in his ears suddenly stops, and the shouting from his mother comes crashing down on him, almost making him lose his balance. He turns and his eyes sting as he watches the man hit her with his bare hands. A surge of adrenaline explodes through Taehyung’s boiling blood, it gives him the energy to reach for the first thing he finds. With trembling fingers wrapping around the mouth of the bottle, Taehyung swings his arm towards the door frame causing the bottle to crack in half. Within a few seconds, he swings his body around—ignoring the rush to his brain—and lunges towards his step father, sharp glass in hand, ready to strike. With his shoulder, he pushes the man away from his mother while he thrusts forward with his hand towards his step father’s abdomen, sinking the glass into his flesh. Pulling it back seconds later, only to push it back in, finally getting the man as far away from his mother as he can. At the contact between the glass and the skin, blood gushes out and into Taehyung’s trembling hands, the feel of glass stabbing into flesh now engraved in his skin like a footprint in wet cement.

With shaking hands, tear stained cheeks, Taehyung steps away, and everything comes crashing down. Taehyung’s gasping doesn’t block out the gargling sounds of his step father as he reaches for the glass stuck to him, the man’s mouth as wide as his angered fueled eyes.

Hands reach out to Taehyung and his mother holds on to his arm, sobbing onto his sleeve as she whispers, “It’s okay, it’s okay, you had to, it was self-defense…”

Taehyung zones out as he watches the man in front of him bleed out as he tries to lean onto the dresser. His balance gives out and he starts sinking to the ground, his mouth now spilling blood. He can’t stop looking at the blood, until he finally does and looks down at his trembling blood-stained hands. _What the fuck did I just do?_

“Call the ambulance,” he says to his mother in a hoarse, deep voice, his words shaky with fear. His mother continues to cry, so he insists again—this time more even and stern so that she listens. She reaches for the cellphone in her pocket and dials, at the same time Taehyung reaches into the pocket of his jeans and takes out his phone. He calls Namjoon.

Namjoon answers after three rings, his tone upbeat and excited. Taehyung almost regrets calling him in fear of ruining his happy news.

“Tae? What’s up? Weren’t you and Jisoo on your way over?”

Taehyung clears his voice before speaking, hoping for his voice to sound as even as possible. “Hyung… I need your help,” he whispers, his voice still hoarse and a little shaky.

“Tae, what happened? We’re on our way.”

“I think I killed him, hyung.”

* * *

 

“W-what happened after the police showed up?” Jennie is the first to speak after Namjoon finishes telling the story. Taehyung sits on the worn-out chair, his eyes wide with never ending tears streaming down from his eyes, focused on nothing in front of him.

“The ambulance took all three of them to the hospital. Mrs. Kim needed some stitches, and Taehyung some bandages after the belt incident. The asshole died at the hospital,” Namjoon whispers, every word spoken in a careful tone as to not trigger Taehyung.

“ _Shit_ ,” Yoongi mumbles beside Jimin, his hand runs over his face while the other grips Jimin’s arm.

Namjoon nods. “Then they took Tae and his mother to the police station where they left their statements. Hobi and I stayed to wait for them, I don’t know what happened inside, but they let them out.”

Everyone looks at Taehyung, not expecting for him to speak, but as a helpless act to make him feel like you understand if he doesn’t want to speak.

Taehyung clears his throat, his bottom lip quivering a little. Jisoo reaches for his bloodied hands as she kneels to his side, gripping his hands between hers. She whispers that it’s okay if he doesn’t want to talk about it, but Taehyung does anyways.

“T-they said there’ll be a small trial. Th-they need witnesses to his abuse. My mom already made her statements on it to support my-my… my _actions_ as self-defense. I told them some of you have seen him, and that you would leave statements b-but… you’re not _objective_ enough for witnesses. So, they’re going to talk to our neighbors first. They’re probably getting statements now.”

“Well, fuck, there is no way they haven’t heard the asshole and his abuse,” Jimin points out.

Jungkook kneels beside Jisoo and grips Taehyung’s shoulder. “It’ll be okay, you’ll be fine. You did nothing wrong.”

“Yeah, you did what you had to do, brother,” Yoongi chimes in, his words in a whisper.

Taehyung finally looks away from the ground and looks up at Jin and Namjoon beside him, his eyes pleading. “Please, get me out of here. I want to go somewhere tonight, I-I can’t be here.”

Namjoon nods repeatedly, kneeling in front of your friend and clasping his face between his hands, “Anything, Tae.”

You clear your throat, wiping the tears from your eyes with trembling hands, the shock of seeing one of your best friends bloodied still shaking your bones. You managed to keep your breathing leveled and your panic subsided enough so you wouldn’t have a panic attack at the sight of him. It could’ve been worse, but you were not going to allow your head to take you there. “W-what about your mom?” you ask.

Everyone turns to look at the sound of your quiet voice. Rosé lets go of Hobi’s hand and she walks over to you, taking you softly by the arm as Jennie turns beside you to take your hand. You look in confusion between them.

“Are you okay?”

“Do you feel like you’re-“

“Oh my gosh, Tae just fucking stabbed the bastard that was abusing him and his mother, went to the hospital where the asshole fucking died—like he deserved to—and spent hours at the police station. Yes, I’m fucking fine because my friend—my _brother_ is fine,” you exclaim, your voice surprisingly even despite the rising beats of your heart.

A small laugh escapes from Taehyung’s lips and everyone turns their attention to him, “You all always think she’s too fragile, but she’s not. She’s seen some shit, too. You forget.”

You make it a point not to look at anyone as you shove your hands in the pockets of your hoodie.

“That’s true,” Jisoo whispers, at which Taehyung turns to her and leans his forehead on hers, his eyes shedding another tear.

“We left his mom with his grandmother. She’ll be okay. They’re scheduled to go to the station tomorrow at 5pm.”

“Where do you want to go?” Jin asks him.

Taehyung shrugs and looks to everyone.

“I know,” Hoseok says, breaking the silence, “let’s all get on Jin’s truck and go to the beach.”

The last time you had all gone to the beach was after Hoseok was released from the hospital when he had his overdose, and they had given him the chance to think about rehab. They couldn’t contact his parents because Hoseok ran away from home when he was fourteen—with Namjoon next to him. They both decided to get jobs and start saving up money so they could live together, but they never stopped going to school. They lived at home for a while, but Jin’s and Jungkook’s parents let them move in with them for a few years, until they could manage on their own. The only family Hoseok and Namjoon have truly known is this one, so when it came to deciding whether to go, you all practically begged him to. You took him to the beach, talked to him, and in the morning, drove him to the center and didn’t see your brother for months.

After Yoongi gets Taehyung some of his clothes to wear, you all head out in Jin’s truck—Taehyung, Jisoo and Namjoon in the front, the rest of you in the back. You make sure to sit away from Yoongi, finding a place between Jennie and Hoseok. Jennie wraps an arm around you and leans her head on your shoulder as you drive off in the setting sun.

It's cold in the back, but you all huddle together in the blankets Jimin and Rosé brought. Twenty minutes into the ride, you feel eyes on you, and you turn to find Jungkook staring intently at you. The last time you talked to him was when he kissed you. It feels bad, if you’re being honest, that you and Jungkook can’t seem to be able to stay friends. It seems as if you will not only lose Yoongi, but Jungkook as well. How much rejection will he endure before he decides he wants nothing from you?

“Won’t you get in trouble?” Yoongi’s voice shouts through the loud wind.

Everyone turns to look at him, your eyes falling on him for the first time. He’s wearing a black hoodie with his jean jacket on top of it, and your heart skips a beat when you realize his hair is a soft shade of pink. What’s more shocking is that he aims his words at Jungkook, which means they’re talking again. _Nice to see he pushes you away but gets back with Jungkook_. You can’t help the rolling of your eyes. Never thought you’d be jealous of Jungkook, especially when it comes to Yoongi. You’ve been wrong about this recently.

Jungkook shrugs, a smirk playing at his lips. “I sold a lot this week. I called when Namjoon texted and told them I was taking some ‘ _sick leave’,_ ” he beams jokingly, adding air quotes to the last words.

Yoongi laughs, and that about does it.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” you shout through the air at them, the loudness and aggressiveness of it all waking Jennie from her nap beside you. Jimin snickers besides Jungkook and you glare at him.

“What?” Jungkook demands.

You shake your head between them, “Jeez, for fuck’s sake! You were at each other’s throats not too long ago about you selling fucking drugs and now you’re _joking?_! Are you two out of your goddamn minds? Our friend was covered in blood not thirty minutes ago and you’re all making jokes about drugs?”

“We are a fucked up bunch,” Hoseok chimes in, a defeated expression on his face.

“What else are we supposed to do, Mo- Y/N.”

You turn and glare at Yoongi. How you wish you could yell at him everything you want to say to him. He can probably feel it through your stare because he breaks eye contact. “I’d like for you all to shut the fuck up. I don’t care that you’ve made up, it was about time—I was getting real tired of your bullshit.”

“Damn, someone woke up on the bitch side of the bed,” Jungkook jokes, at which Jimin breaks into a fit of laughter.

You throw daggers at them both. “I swear to god, Jungkook, if you don’t shut the fuck up I am going to go over there and punch you myself, you have it coming!” you exclaim loudly, your heart beating to the rhythm of your rising anger. You haven’t been this pissed off in so long. It’s so overwhelming. You feel like you could use a twenty-four-hour nap, but that you could crack some skulls too.

Jungkook stares wide-eyed at you as you sit back against the truck, you’d never snapped at him like that.

Jennie tugs at your sweater and whispers, “Are you okay, babe?”

Grinding your teeth, you nod. Your entire body is exhausted from the buildup of emotions screaming to be let out, your head suddenly dizzy from the rush of anger that surged through you. You close your eyes and lean onto Hoseok, and you feel Rosé hand come around Hoseok’s head to scratch yours for a beat.

“Get some rest,” you hear her whisper, and you nod.

You almost wish you would have gotten a panic attack, it would be better than feeling hollowed out but ready to explode at the same time.

Thirty minutes later, you open your eyes as someone shakes your arm and find Jennie nodding towards the front of the truck. When you sit up, you realized you’re at the gas station five minutes away from the beach, and that your friend is nodding towards the small burger place.

“We got here twenty minutes ago and we didn’t want to wake you, but we wanted to get you something before we left, so go order.”

With a nod, you hop off the truck and leave Jennie to the blankets as Hoseok and Rosé make it back to the truck. When you reach the door of the restaurant, a little groggy form sleep but feeling better than you were thirty minutes ago, you bump into Jimin, Jungkook, Taehyung and Jisoo. Your sister pulls you into a small embrace that she has probably needed for a while now, and you hug her tightly back.

“You okay, Sooso?” you ask. She nods as she pulls away and plants a kiss on your forehead before grabbing Taehyung’s hand and walking him to the truck. Before they’re far though, you grab Taehyung’s arm and tug him back to pull him in for a kiss on the cheek. He hugs you tightly with one arm and whispers that he’s okay—you know he’s not, but you almost break at this, your eyes get teary so you walk away before you cry again.

When you step inside, Namjoon, Jin and Yoongi are headed to the door. Jin and Namjoon seem deep in conversation, Jin swirling the truck keys in his finger as he walks past you. Namjoon gives you a smile and a quick kiss on the head before saying that they already got you food.

“Here,” Yoongi tells you as he reaches you, handing you the paper bag and the cup. “Large fries, grilled cheese, and 2/3 of lemonade with the rest unsweetened tea.”

Begrudgingly, and without looking up at him, you take the food from him. You hate that he knows you so well. “Thanks,” you mumble. “What do I owe you?”

“Nothing,”’ he whispers.

“Whatever,” you sigh and turn to walk back to the car but he grabs your arm. You curse at yourself for the instinct engraved in your body to stop and turn to look at him.  

His dark eyes find yours, that hollow feeling coming back inside you, but you find its core at your chest. His pink hair falls a little over his eyes and you would give anything to reach up and brush it off.

“Are you okay?” he asks in a hoarse voice that sounds exhausted.

“No,” you answer without hesitation. “But it’s none of your business now.”

Yoongi flinches at your words and that causes your chest to ache. The words sounded so bitter in your tongue, but you felt they were the right words to say. They’re the truth.

You turn to walk away, but his voice stops you once again.

“Please, Y/N, I _need_ to talk to you.”

The pleading in his tone, the borderline desperation makes the pain return, your heart tightening at the reminder of what it means to care for Min Yoongi so deeply.

You find the strength to turn, and the strength to master as indifferent a facial expression as you can make it, “Why, Yoongi?”

He shuts his eyes at sound of his name from your lips, and mutters, “Because I miss my best friend.”

Swallowing hard, and pushing the painful groan you want to let out at his words—words that stab at the already shattered heart he has left behind—you say, “I miss him too, let me know if you find him.” _Because if he was here, he would have never hurt me like this. Never._

* * *

 

After sitting around the bonfire for about two hours, listening to everyone reminisce about your crazy high school adventures, about your past few summers, you realize you are about to become the kind of drunk you always fear becoming. The sob drunk. Crying would be the worst thing you could do right now, so you try to focus on Hoseok and Rosé talking to Jimin about the pool party from two summers ago when he streaked. You have to work hard to keep from breaking into sobs. It's hard to concentrate on the conversation, so you take another sip of your drink and hope it will be the one to bring unconsciousness—it doesn't.

Turning away from your three friends, you look to Jin next to you. He's intently looking at all the polaroids he took and quietly talking to Jennie as she helps him sort his pictures. Taehyung, Jisoo, and Namjoon are intently watching the videos Jin recorded earlier. Every once in a while, Taehyung will laugh quietly and Namjoon and Jisoo will turn to look at him, warm looks on their face at seeing him upbeat. Hell has ended for Taehyung, but he still must find his way out of it, and he knows it won't be easy. It's a good thing you're all here for him.

When you turn away from them, you find Jungkook laughing at something Yoongi says as he puts an arm around Jungkook. He takes Yoongi's lighter away from him and plays with it as Yoongi taps his arm and asks him something. _How long ago was it that they were hitting each other, and now they're the best of friends?_

_What the actual fuck._

_They win and you lose. You lose everything, like you always do._

_Happiness? That's not something you will ever know. Why would you?_

The day your father left was the day your life went to shit. Your mother turned her hatred towards him onto you and your sister. Brought bum after bum home, and you had no other choice but to lash out. Steal their money, take their cars for drives and return them all scratched or crashed—in some cases, not return them at all.

Your mind flashes to the time you tried to seduce one of them and how it all came crashing down. She caught you, and the screaming never stopped. That was the only time she ever hit you, but that was the first time you hit someone. Not her, but him. The way your hand throbbed after you hit his jaw, how you scratched at his face. How the bastard wouldn't fight back. That was your lowest point. You were only seventeen, but you'd been going through some fucked up shit. Your first boyfriend—the one who took your virginity, had cheated on you. You hadn't told anyone about Jaebum because he was older, and definitely not the kind of guy you should've been hanging out with. If Yoongi knew about him, he would've gone after the guy. So, you had to wallow alone, in quiet, which led you to turn your anger on your mother and her string of men.

Yoongi probably still thinks Jungkook took your virginity. A part of you wishes that could be true, but the thought of that being so breaks your heart. _If anyone should've been your first in this triangle, it should've been Yoongi._ You laugh at the word _triangle_ , realizing Jimin got to you. _What bullshit has your life turned into?_

You reach towards the cooler for another drink, but Namjoon pushes it away with his leg, causing the cooler to shut close.

"What the fuck, man?" you slur as you try to go for it once more.

Namjoon shakes his head and nudges Taehyung to grab the cooler. "You've had enough. You've been on edge all day, you need to calm down."

"Oh, for fuck's sake, I'm fine Joon," you argue as you crawl over to Taehyung trough the sand. Taehyung shakes his head and wraps his arms around the cooler.

"Go take a nap, Y/N," Namjoon demands before getting back to the video.

You slur at him exactly where he can put his nap and he glares at you. Huffing, annoyed, and borderline pissed off, you get up from the circle and start walking towards the water with a blanket wrapped around you. You hear Jin telling you to be careful and you just shout something back, unsure of exactly what it is you've said through your drunkenness.

It's dark out, despite that though, the sky is still a light midnight blue. The sun making the moon shine above the sea, reflecting it over the quiet waters. That makes you realize how terrifying the water is. It could be the alcohol talking, but as you near the dark water you find fear sipping through the small crevices of consciousness. It's so dark and quiet, and a mystery. You don't know what lies beyond it, but there's a beauty to it. The sea is careless—doesn't much care for someone getting to know it completely. The more you try to know it, the deeper the mystery gets.

But it's quiet and soothing, the music of the soft waves perfect for lulling you into the unconsciousness you so crave. And if you need to vent, the sea will listen. If you ask for it, it could probably take you with it.

You sit by a hump of dry sand, a little away from where the tide stops, and wrap the blanket tightly around you. It's crisp and cold, but you've never been bothered by the cool weather. You've always loved it. It's when you can truly appreciate heat. You love the idea of cuddling in bed with a pile of blankets and pillows, comfortably as it's cold outside. You can't help but remember the winter nights in which Yoongi would climb through your window and sleep next to you instead of on the makeshift bed. You'd be very far away from each other because of the layers of blankets between you, but you'd enjoy the short times this would happen either way.

Above the sound of the sweeping water, you hear sniffling behind you and turn to find Yoongi approaching. Suddenly you're on your feet and start walking towards the restrooms where your friends set the bonfire by.

His hand reaches out for your arm but he succeeds at only grasping the blanket, so you let go of it and continue to walk as it falls behind you. Your thin jacket welcomes the cold, that is before arms wrap around you. Your skin runs cold as he tightly wraps the blanket around you, his chest pressing to your back as he leans his face besides yours.

"It's cold," he whispers to your ear, causing goosebumps to run up your arms and neck, a small sound to become trapped inside your closed lips. "Don't take it off.”

"Stop," you plea, your voice cracking in the moaning sound of your plea. You step away from him, but turn around to look him straight in the eyes.

The side of his face is illuminated by the moon, the paleness of it glowing beautifully. His light pink hair looking dark, and his eyes are as black as the deepness of the sea.

"I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

Your eyes shut at his voice, the last thing you want right now is for him to make you weaker and more vulnerable. "I told you to leave me alone."

"But I want to talk," he insists in a low voice as he takes a step towards you.

Your eyes fly open and you take a step back. "I can't... I can’t handle talking to you right now. I just... I can't, Yoongi."

He frowns at your words, his hands twitching at his side, fighting to reach for you. "What can I do... what can I do to make this better?"

A scoff, almost like a laugh, escapes your lips. "Nothing. Nothing can fix how I feel right now." Taking your eyes away from the beautiful being in front of you, you look towards the beautiful water—quiet and soothing, calling for your attention.

At feeling rather than seeing the steps he takes towards you, your body grows rigid. His hands reach for the edges of the blanket and he tugs at them, causing you to turn towards him as he pulls you closer. You try to back away but he quickly pulls the blanket and you towards him, your chest clashing to his. Your breath gets caught in your throat, making it impossible for you to say something as you look up and find him staring intently at your face. His eyes roam your face—your eyes, cheeks, nose, and finally stop at your lips, lingering there longer than he should. Yoongi grabs more of the blanket in his fist and pulls you closer to him, your body now pressing against his and you gasp at the feel of his warmth close to you like this.

He continues to stare at your lips, both of you saying nothing as the loud breathing between the two of you overshadows the sound of the sea.

The way he looks at you, with this deepness and intensity as his eyes roam over your face again, as if he was speaking with his eyes. It makes your heart ache. It makes you want to cry out in pain.

"Kiss me," you whisper in a plea before you can gather your thoughts, your lips speaking before your mind can.

Yoongi is taken aback by your words, shock clear in his wide eyes. He looks between your eyes, trying to read if it's the alcohol talking or you.

"This isn't me being drunk," you assure, your forehead coming down to lean on his chest, right under his chin. "This is me, period. _Kiss me_?" you say again, your voice a little muffled by the position your head is in but you know he can hear you because he's unyielding now.

His hands fall from holding the blanket, still in fists as they rest at his side, twitching once again to reach for you.

"I _can't_."

 _No. No. It's always no_. You'd think you'd be used to this rejection now, but you continue to find yourself at the receiving end of it. Being stabbed in the heart by his words, as if you didn't think it could get any more painful but it does. Fuck, it's so painful to hear him say it over and over. _Why do you continue to put yourself in this situation?_

"I always do this," you whimper as you lean away from him, the blanket falling from your shoulders as you lose the ability to move your arms. "I always make a fool of myself, and I can't seem to learn." Looking up, you find a pained look on his face and you almost let that pain-filled whimper leave your lips. "I let you deceive me with those eyes, those looks, and I let you hurt me with those words. I've given you so much fucking power over me. When did I become that?"

Yoongi's jaw clenches as he looks away from you and towards the water. "I'm sor-"

"No, you're not. If you were truly sorry, you wouldn't do it in the first place."

"Y/N-"

" _No_."

He looks back at you, a pleading look in his eyes again, "Please don't do this. Don't drive me further away. I want you back, I want my friend back."

"I don't want to be your friend anymore," you lie, your voice breaking at the words. How ironic that he feels you are pushing him away, when you think it’s the other way around.

Yoongi shuts his eyes at the words, his bottom lip trembling as he bites it. "Don't do this to me."

His pleading makes your heart scream in pain. You feel the tears down your cheeks but you find the strength to wipe them quickly before he can see them.

"Tell me you don't have feelings for me. Tell me you feel nothing but friendship towards me and I will stop. But we can't be friends anymore, not until I'm okay again."

His eyes fly open, a frown contorting his face as he takes in your words. "I can't," he admits in a deep, broken voice.

Covering your lips before you can sob out loud, you turn away from him. Your fingers run through your hair, tugging at the roots as you refrain from crying out. _It fucking hurts, it hurts._

Finally, you turn to look at him, catching the last of his hand wiping at his cheeks.

"Then what the fuck is it, Yoongi? It can't be Jungkook, I don't buy it's only him. I have zero feelings for him. What the fuck is it?"

Yoongi looks down at the sand, his hands coming over to cup the back of his neck and then run over his hair. Finally, he looks up, eyes watery and intense as he looks straight at you. "I'm not-... I'm not good for you."

You laugh, you actually laugh, but it comes out more like a laughing sob. "Are you fucking kidding me? Shouldn't that be for me to decide?" you say, almost crying with your breaking voice.

"No," he insists. "I can't... I can’t bring all of this to you, you know I can't. You deserve better, as your friend I know this."

You're crying at this point, a lump forming in your throat as you hold back the sobs.

"It'll be okay, Y/N. You'll get over me, even if it's not with Jungkook, with whomever it is, but please don't take away your friendship."

Scoffing again at his words, you take a few steps towards the water before turning to him, now furious. "You think this is some stupid crush, Yoongi? I don't think you're _that_ thick to believe that? Yoongi, fuck, I-"

" _Don't_!" he exclaims walking towards you, his arms outstretched. He takes a hold of your shoulders, his eyes panicked. "You can't... this, me, everything that comes with me, is all fucked up. We're all fucked up. It will destroy the two of us eventually, I know a part of you knows it," he whispers, his breath fanning over your face like poison, like the words could kill you. Because he's right. You're both extreme levels of fucked up. "I can't lose my best friend to chance. That's what we'd be doing, taking a risky chance. I'd rather _die_ than lose you," his voice breaks as he whispers the last part, your chest aching at the words. " _Please_ ," he insists in a whimper, and that's when you break.

Wrapping your arms around his waist, you press your face into the crook of his neck and start sobbing. He wraps his arms around you tightly, as if by hugging you was the only way to relieve all the pain bursting to scream from your heart. Or from preventing it all from stumbling out.

"I miss you, my Monkey. I miss you..." his breath fans over your ear as he whispers and you shutter at the feeling. But you hold on tighter to him, grabbing fistfuls of his hoodie in your hands. "We'll be okay," he assures, but you know that's not true.

You want to tell him that you'd give anything to risk it, to go for it. But you know your inebriated brain is the one speaking, and you will most likely rationally agree with Yoongi in the morning. Even so, it is fucking painful to know the truth. That he doesn't think he's good for you. That he thinks it'd be a mistake. That you'd break each other if you did give in. That you'd lose each other eventually. That you're both too screwed up to function. That being just friends is the reasonable thing, no matter how much your heart begs for the opposite.

It's better to be in pain and not be together, than risk hurting and losing each other if you were. _Isn't it?_

* * *

 

When the truck comes to a stop at the familiar gas station and restaurant, Y/N and Jennie take no time jumping off and heading inside. Yoongi watches after them as Y/N wraps an arm around Jennie and they laugh about something Jin yells after them. Yoongi didn’t catch exactly what it was he said. He hasn’t been able to focus much since last night, his thoughts have become a tunnel, and the only exit is her. He can’t seem to be able to read her. She seems annoyed at him, hurt still, and distant. Yoongi didn’t want this to happen—it was what he was fearing. Is there even a possibility of them regaining the friendship they once had?

 _No, because if you went back to that—the closeness, the intimacy you wanted to keep at arm’s length but failed to do so sometimes, and that deep trust—you’d just be going in circles_. She knows now, if she only wondered before, now she is certain that Yoongi feels something for her. More than just _something_. If they went back to their idea of normal, that would hang in the air between them, going off like a siren every time they so much as touched.

 _Fuck. You really did fuck up this time, Min Yoongi_. What is he supposed to do now? How does he take all of this back? There was too much honesty, and now there is no repairing it. Now she knows he doesn’t think he’s good enough for her, and even though he tried to hide it with saying he fears losing her if they tried—something he does believe as well—the biggest barrier is that he really isn’t good enough for her. There is a lot Yoongi hasn’t figured out, and he can’t possibly bring her into his mess. He cannot allow himself to want her, because if he lets her in, he doesn’t think he could ever let her go. And if she decides she doesn’t want all the baggage that comes with being Min Yoongi—the uncertainty of his future, his career, and his lack of mental stability—Yoongi doesn’t think he can survive it. As his friend, there is a chance she will stay with him forever. _If you stop fucking up_.

Maybe someday, in the future, when Yoongi is more stable they could try… _She isn’t going to wait for you that long._ No, she isn’t. Yoongi knows this, but a part of him realizes how much he’s hurt her yet she continues to give him chance after chance. Why? She should move on, as much pain that will cause him, she _needs_ to. Y/N deserves better.

Jungkook nudges his arm and asks if he’s coming, Yoongi nods.

 _Not him_. _She deserves better than him too_.

While everyone laughs, and enjoys each other’s conversations, Yoongi barely pays attention to any of them. His eyes continue to dance back to her, catching how her smile or laugh falters when she notices him watching. It only makes him grow more desperate. He needs for them to be okay, more than he’s needed anything else in his life.

Namjoon starts acting out Jin’s drunkenness at Yoongi’s birthday party, at which everyone starts bursting out in laughter—Yoongi actually joining in everyone’s amusement, finally. He takes a few of his fries and tosses them at Namjoon the way Jimin had tossed chips at Jin to shut up. He takes it to extremes at this, the action only giving Namjoon a greater nudge to continue his perfect rendition of Drunk Jin and steps up on the table, dancing wildly in worm-like movements like Jin. At this everyone starts throwing food, straws, napkins, anything they find at Namjoon.

The employees are unaware of the group of wild young adults wreaking havoc at the corner of the empty restaurant—empty except for them and the cashier and cook who seem to be too busy on their cell phones with earphones on to pay any attention to their surroundings.

Taehyung suddenly steps on the table and starts dancing along to the pop music blasting from the restaurant speakers, uncontrollable laughter escaping from Jimin and Jungkook who point excitedly at his terrible dance movements.

Hoseok stands form his seat next to Yoongi and spreads his arms wide, “Alright, the king of dance is here to teach you a thing or two,” he exclaims before hopping on the table and dancing seductively to the song, his facial expression causing Rosé to burst in a fit of giggles besides a Jin dying of laughter.

Jennie and Y/N start shouting excitedly to encourage Hoseok’s dancing, even going as far as to take out some money and throwing it at them.

Before Jungkook and Jimin can join the little party, the song ends and a slow ballad starts playing, casing everyone to complain and the men dancing on the table to come down and take their seats after a long bow and a round of applause from everyone.

The excitement and laughter continues until everyone finishes their food, and before leaving, Rosé and Jin make everyone clean up after themselves so the table is left spotless—looking better than how it looked before they arrived.

Yoongi steps back, pretending to take longer to clean as Jimin and Y/N are the last ones to head to the trashcan. Yoongi follows behind them, and right as Jimin runs to catch up to Jin outside, Yoongi grabs her arm gently and tugs her to turn to look at him.

Her eyes stare wide at him, her eyebrows tugging upward expectantly.

“You’re still upset with me, aren’t you?” Yoongi whispers, his tone even but nervous still somehow. A sense of urgency edged in it.

She sighs, tugging her arm away from him gently to fold her arms in front of her chest, “No, I’m not… I’m just...” she trails off, her tone annoyed. “I don’t know, Yoongi. I just don’t know what to think or feel right now. I need time to think. About what? I don’t know, but I just feel I need to think.”

Yoongi frowns, his words tugging at a fear inside him. “D-do you not want to… do you not want to be friends anymore?”

She looks up at him, blinks a few times, and says nothing. Yoongi’s heart braces itself as he waits for the horrid “no” from her but it doesn’t come. Y/N just continues to stare at him, only to sigh and turn away from him.

“Fucking hell, Yoongi.”

“What, fuck, just tell me?” he begs, stepping closer to her, at which she turns her attention back to him, her back tensing as she looks up to find his eyes.

Her eyes lower to his chest before she says, “You know what I want,” in a hoarse low tone, her voice breaking at the last word.

His heart aches for hers. His body aches to reach forwards and take her in his arms, but he doesn’t because he knows he can’t do that anymore. Not in a moment like this.

Yoongi looks away from her, his face tilting up to the blue sky as he tries to gather a coherent thought to reply with. He can’t.

“Just,” she adds, making him return to her, “give me some time. You can’t expect me to be all happy and excited after everything.”

He steps closer, “I know, I know. I’m sorry. Is there anything else I can do? Say?”

She shakes her head and looks away from him, “Just give me space, Yoongi. I-… I need to figure out how this is going to work.”

“Shouldn’t we do that together?” he asks before he can stop himself. He knows he’s overstepping, pushing her a little too far, but he’s growing desperate. What if he does lose her for good? The thought makes his stomach twist uncomfortably.

Y/N glares at him and his stomach drops. “Can you stop being so fucking confusing. You said you didn’t want to talk about _this_ , you want to pretend like it doesn’t exist or something, and I can’t just do that.”

“I’m not pretending it doesn’t exist,” he argues, raising his voice a little, “I just… I want us to get past this. I miss my best friend.”

“You think I don’t?!” she practically shouts back, her voice just as loud. “But our mindsets aren’t on the same level. You want to get past it like it’s some kind of rough patch, Yoongi, but that’s not what this is!”

“That’s not-“

“These are my _feelings_!” she spits at him, making him wince.

“I know!”

“And you hurt them, repeatedly!” she throws at him like a dagger straight to his chest. Her arms unfold to run her hands over her face, and over her flowing hair as a gasp of wind hits the both of them making Yoongi’s skin run cold.

“I know,” he whispers in a broken voice, “and I want to fix it,” he insists, his hands pleading in front of him, “tell me _how_?”

“You can’t fix a deep wound, Yoongi. You can’t just place a bandage over it either and expect it to heal overnight,” she whispers, her eyes searching his face until they find his dark eyes. “You can’t have the old me either, she doesn’t trust you anymore.”

He winces as his heart tightens, the worst thing that could’ve happened is finally taking full form.

“Fuck!” he shouts as he covers his face with his hands, running his hands over his hair as he takes several steps away from her. “ _This_ is why I never wanted this to get out of hand! _This_ is why I said nothing!” Yoongi looks back at her and finds her teary eyes watching him. “I kept it to myself because I knew it would all get screwed up,” he says, lowering his voice at the look on her face. He wants to run to her, hold her and tell her he’d do anything to fix it— _anything_ , but he knows he can’t do just _anything_. Everything _but_ what she needs is what he can offer, and that will never be enough for her. That won’t fix it. Yoongi doesn’t think giving her what she wants will fix it either, he’s hurt her so much he doesn’t think she can just get over it as soon as he gives in. There will always be resentment here, and Yoongi isn’t sure how they’re supposed to move past that.

They stare at each other for a while, Yoongi panting as he finally watches her tears start to fall and she quickly reaches up to wipe them.

The truck pulls up next to them and Namjoon rolls down the window to look between them, “Are you two done having your lover’s quarrel?”

“Shut the fuck up, Joon,” Yoongi grumbles as he finally looks away from her and jumps on the back of the truck. He hears Namjoon laugh as he steps out of the truck. Yoongi turns to watch as he steps out and nods for Y/N to sit inside while he climbs on the back. She goes in without a second glance at Yoongi.

“What the fuck did you do now?” Jennie asks, anger clear on her accusative tone.

Yoongi turns to glare at her, giving her the middle finger, “Fuck off.”

“You’re a dick,” Jungkook says as he throws him a blanket.

“You too, asshole,” he retorts.

“You both are dicks, now shut up before you break into a fight in the back of Jin’s truck,” Hoseok warns, giving them both his middle fingers.

Just when he thinks he has fixed this, he makes it worse by pushing too far. What the fuck is he supposed to do now?


	5. 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions and moderate depictions (as a memory) of attempted suicide (not explicit—again, this is based on hyyh, it involves water).

After everyone is dropped at their respective places—except for Taehyung who heads over to Namjoon’s to borrow some nice clothes before heading over to find out his fate—you and Jisoo head inside your house, immediately regretting doing so. Your mother’s boyfriend and his asshole of a son are sitting on the couch watching TV. His son rarely comes over, but when he does you are usually warned by a grunt from your mother. You and your sister haven’t exactly always gotten along with him. Your mother has been dating this man for two years, but you have known Minseok since high school. He used to date Jennie, and when he found out she’s bisexual, he didn’t take it quite well. He treated her terribly—called her names, broke her things, and almost hit her, and he would have had Jin not been at home sleeping when he heard the commotion and stopped him. He’s a dick.

“Ladies,” he says with a smug smile as he waves a hand towards you. Jisoo rolls her eyes and walks away into her room, you give him the middle finger before following your sister.

“Why didn’t she tell us he was coming? I don’t want a screaming match. I can’t handle that right now,” Jisoo frantically says as she rummages through her drawers to find the right clothes to accompany Taehyung.

You shrug, “We haven’t exactly been here. And I don’t think she’s here, she’s probably working late at the hotel. She probably doesn’t even know they’re both here,” you suggest, “he does have a key after all.”

“Why don’t they just get married already?”

“Because,” you remind her as you sit by her bed, “if she gets married, gramma said she won’t help her with the rent anymore, and you know he’s not going to help.”

Jisoo grunts as she takes out the dress she was looking for and tosses it on the bed, “We should get jobs and move out.”

“Yeah, as if gramma would let us. The only condition she gave us to help with school was that we ‘ _weren’t going to go off to get a job that would take time away from education’_ remember?”

Jisoo turns wide eyed at you, a desperate look on her face. “Why don’t we just… just get jobs and pay for school together. The semester is almost over and we can save up money during the summer, and in the fall we’ll be prepared. We can move in at home, and if we get caught w-we’ll just move in with Namjoon, he has the extra room since Hobi is staying with Rosé now. Did you know they moved in together?”

“Okay, whoa, slow down sis. One thing at a time.”

Jisoo sighs before slumping down on the bed next to you.

“We could try that, yes, but… it’s not a guarantee it will work. And you have a boyfriend now, I don’t know how I feel about sharing a room with you and you bringing Tae over-“

“How do you know?!” she exclaims, suddenly siting up and covering her mouth with her hands.

You roll your eyes, “You two are so damn obvious.”

She lowers her hands and a smile spreads across her face, “I guess we are…” she trails off as she looks down at her hands. “It’s only been a few weeks but… he makes me really happy.”

Reaching forward, you embrace your sister in a tight hug, “I know Sooso. I can tell. It was about time, it just sucks that all of this has happened after you two have had such a lovely time.”

Jisoo shakily sighs as she moves back to look at you. “Yeah… it’ll be okay though, right? H-he did what he had to do…”

“Yes, let’s just hope the evidence is there to back that up, and he’ll be fine. It won’t be difficult to find what an asshole that man was,” you assure her with a tight squeeze of her shoulders. “And how do you know they moved in together, Hobi and Rosie I mean?” you add.

“Oh, she told me today. They told Hobi getting in a relationship right after release wasn’t a good idea but after his counselors met with her they realized it’d be best for him to move in with her than be in that room. Their relationship was healthy, for the most part, and they’ve talked about all the bad stuff that happened leading to their breakup. I think it’s good for them.”

“I guess, I’m just surprised.”

“Yeah…”

You’re both silent for a while, until Jisoo brings up working again.

“We’d have to tell our grandmother if we do, and I’m not sure I want to explain to her our situation—it isn’t necessarily the best one, and I don’t want her confronting our mother. It doesn’t end well when they argue.”

“Runs in the family,” Jisoo grumbles. “I say we still get the summer jobs and save up to pay for school ourselves in case she doesn’t want to help, and we find somewhere new to live.”

Standing from the bed with a long sigh, you turn to your sister and glare at her as she smiles lightly at you—making the face that always got you to give up your extra chocolate and give it to her. “Fine, I’ll think about it.”

“ _Yes_! And hey, maybe we can get Yoongi to join us in an apartment or something as he doesn’t have a place.”

You freeze as you are headed out, your hand gripping the door handle a little too tightly. An overwhelming sadness spreads to you at the sound of his name. _Will we ever be okay again?_

“I-is everything okay between you two?” your sister asks in a quiet tone.

Shaking your head, you twist the doorknob, “No. I don’t know if we will be any time soon.” Before she can bombard you with questions you close the door behind you and quickly step into your room, your eyes closed as you lean against the door and take deep breaths in and out.

_The worst thing that could happen is you losing him forever._

_And it feels like it has happened._

_Did you have to be so fucking pushy?_

_Do you_ always _have to have what you want?_

 _What you_ can’t _have?_

_Must you throw yourself at him so desperately and pathetically?_

_You’re such a masochist, just loving the constant rejection and pain he brings you._

“Fuck!” you shout as you bang your fist on the door behind you, the only thing keeping you from slipping down to the ground.

The door suddenly pushes you forward as it opens. Casting your eyes open as you stumble forward, your gaze falling on your bed and you almost shout again. You look wide eyed at Yoongi sitting on your bed, your stomach twisting in a way you can’t quite decipher before you turn at the sound of Minseok speaking behind you.

“What the hell is with the shouting, we’re trying to watch telev-“ he stops short as his eyes fall on Yoongi, a smirk spreading across his face which only makes you look away in disgust. “Min Yoongi, to what do we owe the pleasure?”

“Last time I checked you don’t live here,” Yoongi spits as he stands from the bed and walks closer to you. “I don’t need to tell you anything about my being here.”

Minseok raises his eyebrow as he folds his arms, “True. Once dad and I move in here though, I’m not so sure I want you hanging out around my sisters.”

You glare at him, “Shut the hell up, Minseok. I don’t have time for your shit. You are not my brother, and if you were to move in you can bet your ass I’m leaving,” you exclaim before pushing him towards your door, “Don’t ever walk into my room without my permission again, got it asshole?” you shout before slamming the door in his face.

“Always a pleasure talking to you, sis!”

“Fuck off!” you shout, hearing an echo of that coming from Jisoo’s room.

The shouting and sudden mood change gives you a rush to the head so you lay your forehead on the door, taking deep breaths in and exhaling carefully.

“You okay?”

You nod. _No_.

“Why did you come over if they were going to be here?” Yoongi asks, his voice getting closer as he speaks.

“We didn’t know. She probably doesn’t even know they’re here, he has a key.”

“Oh,” is all he says now beside you, his body standing mere inches from yours.

You eye him quickly without removing your forehead from the door and notice the frown on his face as he looks at your head.

“We should talk.” His voice is gravelly, as if saying the words is straining energy from him.

You nod.

“Not here, let’s go to the park.”

You nod again.

You convince him to wait after you shower, leaving him in the room to fiddle with your things. Once you’re ready, and after texting Jisoo that you will see her later tonight at home, when everyone meets up for Taehyung, you head out.

The walk to the park is silent, both of you unsure on what to say, possibly considering that starting the conversation while you walk isn’t the best idea. Once there, you head towards the bench you always sit at when Yoongi is going to practice and you write.

The silence continues to stretch for a while longer, that is until Yoongi turns on his seat, his right leg coming up on the bench so he can fully face you.

“I’m sorry for what I said earlier.”

Sitting back on the bench, you look up at the sky, the sun blinding you so you have to shut your eyes. “It’s okay… you were right.”

Yoongi clears his throat loudly, “It wasn’t right of me to say that though.”

“Otherwise you would have kept it to yourself,” you point out, finally turning to look at him. You see red spots in your vision from the sun but you still manage to make out the fallen look on his face. “Like you keep everything recently,” you add. “You don’t tell me things, and now you want me to _not_ know more?”

“I know, I just,” he trails off, his eyebrows coming together as he scratches the side of his head.

“How are we supposed to be friends when we’re not honest with each other?”

“I _know_ -“

“ _Do you_? Because it doesn’t feel like you do, or maybe you just don’t care about the fact that you keeping things from me, being distant, making these fucking stupid and ridiculous boundaries that do nothing but hurt the both of us, are only driving is further away from each other,” you say, your voice cracking by the end as your throat fills with emotion and you have to fight to keep the lump stuck there from causing you to break into tears.

He looks like he wants to say, “I know” and you’re ready to punch him if he does. He wanted to talk so he needs to talk.

Yoongi casts his gaze away from your eyes, focusing on the children playing behind you by the monkey bars.

“We’ve been friends for over a decade, I was just… I was trying my hardest to make sure that we didn’t lose that,” he whispers, his voice husky and his eyes still cast away from you, “tried so hard I fucked up.”

You reach forward to poke his leg, calling for his attention. “Look at me when you’re speaking, please?” you whisper.

He nods, his dark eyes find yours and the emotion behind them twists your stomach. “I didn’t mean to… I didn’t think I’d end up, you know, feeling the way I do. I would’ve stopped it if I could because your friendship means that much to me.”

You nod, encouraging for him to continue and holding your tongue before you ruin this further.

“I don’t know how to move forward now, I feel lost and desperate,” he admits, his voice getting quieter, lower, his frown deeper. “I know I’m asking too much from you by wanting us to go back to our idea of normal, but I feel like if we don’t then… I-I… I will lose you this time.”

Taking a dangerous chance, you reach forward and take Yoongi’s hand. When he doesn’t protest, or move away, you sigh, your skin tingling at the feel of his palm against yours. “Is it so easy for you to ignore this?”

His Adam’s apple bobs up and down as he swallows hard, his eyes reading your face trying to figure out what you want to hear—not what you expect him to say, which is the truth. “If it means we get to keep this friendship alive, yes.”

Your skin runs cold. Suddenly you let go of his hand and shove both of them into the pockets of your sweater. _It’s so easy for him to put his feelings aside… he doesn’t feel the same. He doesn’t feel as deeply as you do_. _He probably just wants to fuck you and he’d be good. If he even remotely… if it was something deep he would fight for it._

Could Yoongi be feeling that? Just lust he can’t control? If it was real he’d do something about it, wouldn’t he?

“You don’t want to jeopardize our friendship?” you ask quietly, looking back at him.

He looks back and forth between your eyes before he says, “No. That’s the last thing I want, you know that.”

“So, what you feel isn’t strong enough to risk it?”

You remember how he’s said he would rather not risk your friendship, because dating you would mean you’d be risking this and that would break him. He has no confidence that you’d work out, or maybe his feelings are just not as deep to have something serious with you.

Yoongi looks over your face, his dark eyes intense as he finds yours. He runs a hand through his face and up to his hair, and when he looks back up it almost seems like he could cry. “Yeah, it isn’t.”

You can see it in his face, in the way his eyes don’t really look into yours when he says it. The way his hands have become fists, and how tense he’s become. He’s lying. And it fucking hurts.

 _Here you are again, being stabbed by Min Yoongi._ He doesn’t even have the decency to stab you in the back, he stabs you face to face, fearless and brutal.

The pain in your chest stings, and the lump in your throat burns terribly, but you swallow hard and master the little strength left between the crevices of what is left of your sanity and dignity. “Okay. So… I apologize for being so pushy, and practically throwing myself at you,” you say, catching the wince your words cause him, “I will drop this. For good. Like you said, I’ll get over it. Time will show me.”

“Don’t apologize, there’s nothing you should be sorry about,” he whispers.

“Yeah, I probably don’t. But seeing as we’re both back to lying, I thought I’d contribute to the pile of bullshit we’ve both created.”

Yoongi is taken aback by your bluntness, his wide eyes find yours and he looks ashamed. He should be.

“Look Yoongi, if we’re going to remain friends, it’s going to take some time. You can’t expect me to be all happy and friendly with you by tonight. I actually need space, not your idea of space which is bombarding me with questions every five minutes.”

“Y-yeah, I’m sorry about that.”

“I know you are.”

You’re not sure if he will accept that because you aren’t really sure how long it will take for you to spring back into “normal,” but you’re also tired of fighting. You miss him, so much, and you miss having him there to talk to. He was a constant in your life, and suddenly you started having all these fights. _Probably dating would only make it worse_.

It would, wouldn’t it? You’d be butting heads 24/7, and cracking him open wouldn’t be any easier if you were together, would it? Would he allow the intimacy to open him up more?

Now you’ll never know, and you’ll have to be okay with that because you’re not sure he will ever care about you deeply enough to risk everything for you. Or care enough to be able to be honest with you. His feelings may be deep, but not as much as they’d need to be for him to come clean.

* * *

 

Yoongi walks with you home so you can wait to be picked up by Jennie. A comfortable silence spreads between the two of you as you listen to your respective music on your phones as you wait. There is still something hanging in the air, but now you’re smart enough to stop pushing for him to address it, and he is smart enough to stop pushing you to act as comfortably as before. Not that you aren’t comfortable with Yoongi, but there is definitely some trust lost—he’s hurt you a lot, and you must be cautious.

As soon as Jennie’s car stops before you, you both step in the backseats as Jin takes the front.

“It’s self-defense, they found enough evidence to support all their claims, Namjoon just called me,” Jennie says with tear stained eyes as she looks at you both.

You look at Yoongi, your eyes watery find a mirror in his own, “Are you serious?’

“Yes! They released them early so we’re going to go to Tae’s grandmother’s where they will be staying for a while because of the crime scene. That’s where they’ll be.”

You nod, a short sigh leaving your lips as you finally allow yourself to cry, this time worth it because your brother will be okay, on paper at least. Mentally, he will be troubled possibly forever, but he gets to stay with his mother—who is now safe thanks to him—and his friends and family who love him dearly. The fact that he gets to be free is overwhelming for you and you cry a little louder than you want to. Jin reaches with his arm above his head and waves his hand. You take it and squeeze it. Then you feel Yoongi’s hand reach for your empty hand and you quickly grasp in yours, squeezing tightly.

All that matters is that Taehyung will be okay, maybe not perfect, but okay. At peace now that the man is done tormenting them, that more pain inflicted by him is no more.

* * *

 

Thanking Jin for the ride, and saying you’ll meet up later tonight for the movies with him and Jimin, you walk towards the run-down house with the two iced coffees in your nervous hands. Your entire body is nervous, you’ve got butterflies in your stomach, something you don’t often have when you’re just going to talk to your best friend. But, it has been two weeks since that talk at the park, finals have come and gone and you two haven’t spoken much. Which was fine, if you’re being honest, because you asked for space and he gave it to you, but now it’s just weird. You don’t know what to say to him, how to approach being his friend again without saying something that might ruin it.

Today, accidentally, you spent the day going around treating your friends with Seokjin and Jimin. You took them food and drinks, thinking they all deserve a little something after finals. First it was just taking Namjoon some breakfast at his job, and inviting Jin and Jimin to the movies tonight, but then you took Jennie something, and when you bumped into your sister and Taehyung you gave them something as well. You and Jisoo found jobs last week. It came out of nowhere, and you hadn’t really decided to get one yet when your sister came up to you and told you that her friend’s father owns a restaurant and he needed waitresses. You both took the jobs, or more like Jisoo forced you to. It’s fine though, it is not so bad, and after you got paid today you figured why not treat your friends to a little bit of junk food and drinks.

You don’t even have time to reposition the drinks to open the door before it swings open and Yoongi stands on the other side of the threshold, a small smile playing at his lips.

You smile lightly back at him and he steps aside to let you in, reaching for one of the cups in your hands but you pull away. He frowns.

"Where are the macaroons you promised?" you ask, your smile a little broader now.

Yoongi chuckles and points to the kitchen, so you walk over and place the drink on the table next to the plastic container with four macaroons. A red velvet, a vanilla, a chocolate, and a green tea. Taking a seat by the table, you open the container, a giddy smile playing at your lips as you contemplate which one to eat first.

You feel rather than see as Yoongi takes a seat right next to you, reaching for his coffee and watching you stare at the pastries like they are gold you just spent decades looking for and finally found.

"Haven't had these in a long time," you whisper as you reach for the green tea one first.

Yoongi laughs a little, "I know. I think I bought those too. Wasn't it your birthday?"

You nod as you take a bite of the macaroon, moaning as the filling melts in your mouth. Yoongi chokes on his coffee and you turn wide eyed at him, a confused look on your face. "Yu kay?" you ask with a mouth full.

His cheeks are red as he coughs, slapping his chest and taking another drink from his coffee, "Fine," he says through a strained coughing voice.

You finish the pastry, finally taking a sip from your coffee. The contrast is weird on your mouth, but you don't mind it. You feel Yoongi staring at you, so you turn to look at him. "What?"

His dark eyes search your face, until his eyes fall into yours. He smiles and your stomach drops.

Quickly, you look away and take a drink from your coffee.

"Thanks for not bringing the idiots with you."

You only nod as you reach for the vanilla macaroon. When you're about to take a bite, you remember how Yoongi likes the vanilla and red velvet ones.

"I thought we could... catch up," he adds in a quiet voice as you turn to look at him.

Reaching forward, you put the pastry by his lips and wait for him to bite it. He does, his eyes never leaving yours as his mouth wraps around half of the pastry and bites. Your insides squirm at the view, and you have to swallow hard. He smiles as he chews and you try to smile back, a shaky one at that. Quickly, you shove the rest of the pastry in your mouth, ignoring the fact that his saliva was on one side of the macaroon.

"I think I'll save the rest," you mutter as you reach for the plastic container.

"Sure," Yoongi says, "they're yours after all."

You smile as you turn back to him, your coffee back in your hand. "Thanks for them, by the way. I'll leave you a piece of the red velvet."

Yoongi shakes his head, "Thanks for the coffee, and no it's okay. They're yours."

"I want to leave you a piece."

He smiles broadly, looking down at his drink, "Sure, Monkey."

Your stomach flips at the nickname, and as if he could feel that, he looks up at you, eyes wide and worried.

You nod. "It's okay."

"Really?" He asks, his voice hoarse and low.

Nodding, you reach forward and touch the bracelet on his wrist with your index finger, playing with it.

The past two weeks didn't involve you two being touchy in any way you used to be, and you know that it will probably never be like that again, but you can't help it. You miss him so much. And you still want him, you don't know when you won't anymore, but the need is there. You won't push him, if he doesn't want to be with you then there is nothing you can do about it. You can only take what he can give you—his friendship—and you have to accept it.

"I miss you," you whisper, your heart giving an aching thud in agreement as the words leave your lips. Your finger continues to play with his bracelet, until he puts the drink down on the table and stands up, towering over you. "What's wrong?" you ask, looking up at him.

His frown makes a cold wave of goosebumps run over your body. _Did you fuck up? Did you say too much?_

His palms spread forward, reaching for your hands. "Come here, give me a hug."

You don't even think twice, you abruptly stand, leaving the coffee on the table and crash him into a hug, your arms wrapping around his neck as his arms wrap around your waist.

"I miss you too, Monkey, I miss you a lot," he whispers against the crook of your neck and you just about break down in tears. Your chest aches as it presses against him, but you hold him impossibly close, hoping that will ease the pain.

When you both finally pull back, Yoongi looks at you in the eyes, and you know he's waiting intently for you to speak.

"I don't know what to say..."

"Me neither."

Looking down at his neck, you sigh deeply.  Your arms fall from around his neck to rest against his chest, but he holds you tighter to him.

"I had a lot to think about," you begin and he nods for you to continue after you pause. "I wasn't sure I-I... I could be your friend like that, like before."

Yoongi clears his throat, "Are you sure now?"

Shaking your head, you find his eyes again. "I'm still not sure. It's not as easy for me to ignore what I feel," your voice cracks at the end and Yoongi winces.

He leans his forehead down on yours. "I... I don't want to say something insensitive, or hurt you further than I already have, but I want to say some things."

You nod, your fingers gripping the fabric of his shirt to encourage him to speak.

"It's not... it's not easy for me to ignore it. I know I lied and said it was, and you knew I was lying. But I just..." his eyes shut close and he pulls you impossibly closer to him. So close you have to wrap your arms around his neck again. "I can't. Not right now Y/N. I'd need time, and that isn't fair to you, or to us. I wouldn't even know how much time. Maybe months, maybe years, I don't know. And that's just not fair to you. You should find someone else, even if..." he trails off, his eyes finally opening to look at you. "Even if it hurts me," he says in a croaky, strained voice. You wince at the implication and you want to cry. You can't imagine what it'd be like to see him with someone else... you've had to for quite some time, and he's willing to go through that just because he doesn't think he can be with you now.

"But I'd-"

Yoongi shakes his head, his hand on your lower back adding a little pressure to stop you, "I know you'll say you'd wait, but you can't promise something like that. You don't know how long it will take me, and if you back out I don't think... I don't think I'd survive that."

A lump forms in your throat and you have to push him away before you start crying. He tries to hold on to you but you whisper a plea and he lets you go. Snaking your fingers through your hair you look away, taking a shaky breath. Thought after thought, feeling after feeling is shouting inside you, trying to win an argument within yourself. Trying to drown you in pain, anger, worry, and longing.

Finally, you push the lump down as much as you can, your eyes already watery, and turn back to him. "Stop making decisions for me, Yoongi."

He takes several steps towards you, "I'm not making decisions, I'm just trying to prevent hurting you more," he whispers, his hands reaching for your arms and running his fingers down them until meeting your hands and taking them in his. "I don't want to hurt you anymore," he adds, his voice breaking at the last word.

Pushing his hands away, you reach to cup his face and force him to look at you as you speak the truth. "You're still hurting me by not being with me when that's clearly what you want."

Yoongi winces, but he steps closer and grabs you by the hips, the heat of his hands scorching through your clothes. "I know," he whispers. "But... I'm holding on to the idea that if you move on you won't hurt anymore," he adds.

Shaking your head, you step closer to him, your hands falling down to his neck. His dark eyes look deeply into yours and the pit of your stomach burns. Mostly in pain. "What about you? And what does that mean for our friendship if I were to move on? Wouldn't you resent me?"

"Don't _you_ resent _me_? Wouldn't we be a mess?" he says, a small laugh leaving his lips, but it's not a humorous laugh.

Gripping his neck, you rest your forehead on his chin. "I do resent you, because of how much you've hurt me. But we need to work through this. I'm tired, Yoongi," you plea, looking back at him, finding his worried eyes. "I'm tired of pretending like what I feel isn't real. Like I haven't wanted you for a long time-"

"Y/N-"

"Please, let me finish," you insist, a tear finally falling from your eyes. Yoongi reaches up to wipe it with his thumb, his hand cupping your cheek. "I know, Yoongi, I know it deep inside me that I'd wait for you. I've waited so long... it'd be nothing compared to what we've gone through."

Yoongi's eyes water as they look at you. His forehead comes down to rest on yours. "If... _fuck_ , if you regret waiting for me... I don't know what I'll do."

"I _won't_ ," you assure as your fingers massage the nape of his neck. "I _know_ I won't."

He clears his throat, and you know he's going to try to make you change your mind somehow, but you can't allow him to manipulate you like that.

"I have a lot to work through. I don't even have a place to live. I'm practically an orphan, and I might go to jail if they can't find my father to question him. Is that really what you want?" Yoongi says as he steps back to look you in the eyes. "I have terrible temper, I'm possessive as hell. Is that what you want to wait for?"

You blink a few times at him. He's really trying to list off the worst things about him to try and change your mind.

"You're a liar too. You lie to protect the people you care about, even if it might end up hurting them. You're closed off, and keep things bottled up. But sometimes, more often than not—at least in the past—you open up to me. You're selfless. Hot tempered, yes, and possessive I know, but that doesn't overshadow the fact that you are kind under that hard shell. I know who you are Yoongi, you don't need to list shit for me." Your eyebrows are furrowed, and you know by the look of shame on Yoongi's face that he feels like he's being scolded.

Your hand moves down to grip his shirt right by where his heart is. "I know who you are," you whisper hoarsely. "I've always known that. You aren't a stranger I just met and want to date. I've know you my entire life. For as long as I can remember having memories. Nothing you say will make me think I can't put up with your shit. Maybe I shouldn't put up with your shit, but that's a conversation for another day," you add, a little laugh escaping your lips.

Yoongi smiles, sniffling as he wipes his nose and the tears that fall from his eyes. You hadn't realized, but you're crying too, but he wipes your tears too, a little laugh escaping his lips as well. "Why do you put up with my shit, Monkey."

You look at him, really look into his eyes. Your fingers loosen against his shirt and your palm spreads over his chest. Your chest aches for him, for the sad look on his face, for the fact that he won't allow himself to have even a slither of happiness before trying to find some way to ruin it. But your heart aches the most for the reason why you put up with his shit. For the reason you know that you'd wait a hundred years for him if you had to. Why you stay even though he keeps hurting you. Why you know that he doesn't want to hurt you, and that hurting you hurts him too. He knows it too, as he looks into your eyes he knows the answer to his own question.

Yoongi's eyes close as he wraps his arms around you and holds you close. Your face burying in his neck as his nuzzles into yours.

"I'll wait," you whisper into his neck, your lips brushing his hot skin lightly as you speak.

Yoongi holds you tighter, his chest shaking a little, and when you feel the wetness on your neck you know he's crying. His lips press to your skin and you do the same to his, holding him tighter to you.

Maybe you will be okay after all. And maybe you'll break each other apart, but you'd rather try than stand still and wait for the feelings to disappear. You want to feel them, you want to feel _everything_.

 

* * *

 

 

Namjoon isn’t sure throwing a party is the way to go, but he knows Jimin needs cheering up. He needs to feel happy. And he needs home to be a good place for him. Namjoon knows why Jimin chose home to try to do what he did five days ago. He didn't want to do it at their apartment because it was already tainted for Namjoon—it's where Hoseok overdosed. The place was already haunted. Jimin wanted somewhere he felt safe, and where what he was going to do wasn't something terrifying to him.

When he walked into the abandoned house five days ago, he knew something was off. And when he heard crying, he went straight into the bathroom. Namjoon is sure that he was placed on this world to meet his friends, and to protect them. That's his purpose in life. And maybe that's not much of a life, but he loves them with everything in him, and he doesn't think anyone will ever love him the way they love him. Their friendship, that's true love to Namjoon. Everything fucked up in the world, fucked up in _his_ world, feels minuscule and unimportant when he's with them. They make everything better, even if they hurt him a lot. Even if they hurt each other, because if one is hurting, they all are.

Jimin's sister had said things at the family dinner Jimin finally decided to go to. That prompted his father to say insensitive and homophobic things. And his mother... his mother _hates_ him. His sister hates him. And his father is disgusted by him. So Jimin filled the tub with water and was ready to end his suffering that day.

Namjoon wasn't alone. Taehyung, Jungkook, and Y/N were with him, coming in with dinner for everyone. Nevertheless, he was the one to hear the crying first, and after that everything else went silent. He had noticed the way Jimin had been acting. He was depressed, detached from everyone this past week. He wasn't talking to him as much as before. And this wasn't something that just sprung out of nowhere. Since coming out to his family, Jimin's moods came and went, and you never knew what his mood would be that day. Namjoon knew he shouldn't have left him alone, not after his biological family told him to never come back. But Namjoon thought he'd be okay today, he'd woken up in a good mood, and was excited to meet up with his dance team—except he never did.

He knew the door would be locked, so he ran and slammed his body against the door and almost broke it open. His heart sunk along with him as he watched Jimin under the water, and he crawled towards the overflowing bath.

He'd been crying seconds before, so Namjoon knew he wasn't dead, but the image of him trying to drown himself broke him apart, and he started screaming as he pulled Jimin out of the water.

He heard shouts in the background, and people around him, but all he could see was Jimin as he gasped for air and sobbed when he looked up at Namjoon who pulled him out of the water.

"I don't deserve to live. They don't love me, they don't accept me, hyung. I'm disgusting, I shouldn't live..." Jimin was sobbing, his voice breaking and hoarse. A towel appeared behind Jimin and Y/N covered him in it. His words were a stab to the chest to Namjoon, and he pulled Jimin all the way out of the bath and onto the floor, holding him close to him as everyone huddled around, crying and giving him warmth with their jackets. His heart constricted for his brother.

"Jimin! Stop! _Stop_ _it_ , _please_ ," Namjoon finally sobbed, finding his voice. "You deserve to live, we all deserve to live. And you are loved, man. I love you so much, we all love you so much. We have more love for you than you can fucking handle, got it? You're perfect Jimin. Gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual, whatever you may be, you are still _you_ , and we love _you_."

Jimin had sobbed onto his shoulder, gripping the hand Y/N gave him.

"You can't do this shit, brother, you can't do this to us, to yourself," Taehyung begged besides her.

"Hyung, _hyung_ _please_ ," Jungkook moaned as he reached for Jimin's other hand. "Not just for us, but for you, _please_ don't. We _love_ you."

"Fuck them Jimin, honestly. You don't need people who don't accept you. And I know this is easier said than done, but it's the truth," Y/N whispered behind him, and Namjoon agreed. They all did. He doesn't need people like that in his life, he needs people who love and support him. They all hope he’ll come to realize that.  

They managed to convince him to get help. When everyone else found out, Hoseok gave him a card for a good therapist center. Jimin didn't want to talk to them much, but he needed to talk. It took him two days to decide he needed help—they were lucky he even decided to get the help, some people don't.

And then Jin and Jennie suggested the party. Home had become a little haunted and they needed to fix that somehow, even if meant throwing a party inside a bathroom. It sounded ridiculous, but trying to turn a negative into a positive sounded appealing.

As Namjoon walks into the abandoned house, sirens go off in his head at seeing a stranger standing in the living room, but when he sees Jungkook, he relaxes. He hasn’t really talked to him yet, but he knows somehow this is something to do with his friend.

He's arguing with the man about something he can't really make out. Taehyung comes out of the kitchen with Jisoo behind him and they give him a warning look. _What the fuck is going on?_

 

* * *

 

Tugging down the hem of your black velvet dress, you thank past you who decided to wear tights under. Despite summer arriving, the night is cool as you and Yoongi walk home for Jimin's party.

Yoongi notices the struggle you're having with keeping the skirt of your dress down, and what a poor job the 3/4ths sleeves are doing at protecting you from the cold. He slips off his jean jacket, and stops in his tracks to help you get in it and adjust it.

"Why didn't you bring a sweater, Y/N?" he asks as he fixes the collar by your neck.

Shrugging, you bat your lashes at him and whisper, "Figured you'd be keeping me warm."

He releases a breathy "Huh" as he looks away from you, his tongue pressing against his cheek, perturbing. Yoongi shakes his head as he bites down on his bottom lip, a hand coming up to run over his hair. "You're gonna kill me, Monkey."

With enough bravery, you step forward and rest your wrists on each side of his neck, your hands twisting to lightly tickle the hairs by the nape of his neck with your fingers.

Recently it's been intense between you two. Yoongi has finally let some of those walls down, and it may not be as much of a progress as you'd like it to be, but he's beginning to tease you more—to flirt and let you flirt back. It's amazing, and every moment makes your stomach flutter.

His dark eyes find yours and he raises an eyebrow. You give him a side smile before tilting your head to plant a kiss on his cheek, as soon as the contact happens, you step away from him quickly and get past him, leaving him standing there, baffled.

"You're warm. I was only being honest," you say playfully over your shoulder as you continue to walk. You can see him looking down at your body instead of your face when you say this and you can't help but grin.

"Fuck," he groans as he covers his face in his hands. "You're gonna fucking kill me!"

At that, you turn to give him a quick wink and a small pucker of your lips, making a kissing noise before turning back around.

"You're hellish, Y/N!"

"I could say the same about you, Min Yoongi!"

It's strange the contrast between how you're acting now, to how you were acting two or three weeks ago. It's not like you're together, that much you know, but it's almost as if the two of you are friends the way you used to be—with some flirting now. You know you still need to wait for him to be ready, but a part of you hopes that as he sees what it'd be like, he'd see that waiting less time wouldn't be such a bad idea.

There's still hurt there, you feel it sometimes when he says something, or when he momentarily builds a wall between you when you've crossed a line. There are things you can't do, and you know that. But tonight, he's playful and you're not exactly sure why.

When Yoongi opens the door to the living room and you step inside, your stomach drops and your skin runs cold at the sight of the man standing there, talking to Jungkook.

Taehyung's scowl turns towards the two of you and his eyes widen, and he looks between Yoongi and the man.

Namjoon is standing next to Jungkook as he makes an argument to the man about why he can't show up to tonight's poker night.

"Seriously Jungkook, you've been slacking recently. Who the fuck do you think you are? Do you need a reminder of who you work for, huh?"

"That's not necessary," Namjoon insists in an even tone, managing to convey that the man doesn't intimidate him. "This is a family matter, it's not him slacking off."

"Last time I checked you're not actually related to any of these bastards."

"Who you calling-"

"Jen, don't," Jin warns next to her on the couch. Jennie huffs and folds her arms in front of her chest.

You sigh at the fact that the man ignores her comment.

"Blood has nothing to do with family," Jungkook tells him, and his stare is so serious and intimidating that you just know he'll be taken seriously.

"Fine, but you owe me double next week, got it?"

"Yes," Jungkook nods without protest.

The man turns to leave but he stops mid step, his serious face breaking into a mischievous grin. "Well, well, if it isn't Y/N. How've you been, _kitten_?"

You flinch at the nickname and you feel Yoongi take a step closer to you.

"Hello Jaebum."

"Hmm, nice to see you remember my name," he says in that low voice of his that you used to find seductive. Now it makes your skin crawl. "It still sounds as sweet as ever."

"Who _the_ _hell_ are you?" Yoongi asks, louder than he probably should.

Jaebum rolls his eyes, annoyed by Yoongi's question as if he were some insolent bug. He ignores him and continues to stare at you, gawking at your body as he licks his lips.

You take a step closer to Yoongi and he steps in front of you.

"Man, you've really grown into yourself haven't you, kitten. Fuck. You weren't this plum when you were seventeen."

" _What the fu_ -" Yoongi begins to exclaim but you stop him by pinching his arm.

You turn back to the door that had closed behind you and swing it open. "I think it's time you left, Jaebum."

Jaebum raises an eyebrow at you, challenging you to defy him—defy him at what? You don't know, but you're never playing his games again.  He stalks towards you, incentive clear in his hooded eyes as he tugs at his bottom lip with his fingers.

He stops by the door frame and doesn't take his eyes away from you. "I think I'll visit my friend Jungkook more often, kitten."

"You're not welcomed here," Yoongi says through gritted teeth.

Jaebum turns away from you and glares at Yoongi, challenging him. "Last time I checked, no one owns this place. I could easily make it mine, and we'll see who isn't welcomed here."

Your heart drops at the idea of you losing your home. You panic further as Yoongi takes several strides towards a grinning Jaebum, and you find yourself stepping between them. You stop Yoongi by placing your hands on his chest and he immediately halts, his fisted hands opening to grip you by the hips.

"Get the fuck out," Yoongi demands in his low, murderous tone and you know that Jaebum won't be taking this as a joke. Yoongi’s stare gives his a run for his dirty money.

"Alright, _Suga_ , no need to get feisty over a kitten," Jaebum muses and you turn at the tone of his voice, glaring at him. "I'm sure you can find some good ones in the underground, you're popular enough. I kind of had dibs on this kitten, am I right?" he claims, the tone of his voice making your stomach twist uncomfortably.

"Fuck off, Jaebum," you spit at him.

"Still feisty, I like that."

You grunt before shutting the door in his face, finding yourself panting as you rest your head against the door. Your blood is boiling in your veins, the anger finally surfacing and you'd give anything to go out there and punch the hell out of the cheating bastard.

"How the hell do you know him?" Taehyung is the first to ask, causing you to flinch.

"Why did he say... what he said about you being seventeen? Why did he know you then?" Namjoon says.

You turn to look at your friends, your face growing hot with both anger and embarrassment. "We dated when I was in high school."

Everyone starts shouting, except for Yoongi, and that's what scares you the most. He says nothing, he just glares at you, his eyes fuming.

"How the fuck didn't we know!" Jennie shouts from beside Jin, who's holding her arm so she doesn't come over to you. 

"I didn't tell anyone-"

"Why not?!" Jungkook says, his eyes fuming too. But everyone is angry with you, and they should be, you kept something like this from them for so long.

"Well, it's not something I would have wanted you to know. He was much older, and he was around bad crowds. If I had told any of you, you would have tried to make me break things off-"

"You bet your ass we would've!" Taehyung shouts.

"Or he would've intervene with that and I didn't want him to get to you, okay. I just. I don't know, I was going through a lot."

You turn to look at Jisoo and there's a sad look on her face. "When you were seventeen?" You nod. "How long?"

You look between all of them, swallow hard, and brace yourself for more yelling. "We started dating when I was sixteen."

"A fucking year!" Namjoon shouts, an exasperated look on his face as he rubs it with his hand.

Before they can bombard you with more questions, Yoongi's hand wraps around your wrist and he pulls you outside.

"Who the hell does he think he is, going around claiming dibs likes you're some kind of _property_!" Yoongi practically shouts as leans aggressively on the wall, his fisted hands slamming against the rough material.

"Okay, Yoongi, calm down."

"How the fuck am I gonna calm down, Y/N?!" he says, glaring at you.

You roll your eyes, "He can go around saying whatever he wants, he can't really do anything about it. It's not like I want to be with him."

You're a little surprised this is what Yoongi wants to yell about, you thought he'd be upset you never told him about Jaebum when you told him everything.

"You don't fucking understand these guys, do you?"

Looking away from his scowl, you focus on the bushes at the side of the house. "I understand them better than you think." When you turn back to Yoongi, he's looking intently at you, waiting for you to continue. You say nothing.

His teeth come down on his bottom lip as he holds himself back from asking what he wants to ask. You can see it in the intensity of his dark eyes, the borderline frustration with wanting to know.

"Just ask, Yoongi."

He looks away from you, grinding his teeth as he masters the strength to ask the question. "D-did you, did you... have sex?"

"We dated for a year Yoongi, what do you think?"

"Fuck, you were only sixteen when you started dating, isn't that what you said?!"

"Yes."

"Fuck! Now he's gonna go around claiming you like a price!"

"As if I'd let him? It's not like he can have sex with me just because we used to date?" you shout back with as much anger. You can take care of yourself.

"You don't understand!" he shouts back, "These guys go around claiming girls once they've slept with them _once_! They think they can have them around like sex puppets, and start spreading bullshit about them!"

"Well he isn't going to be using me, so just fucking drop it! I wouldn't fucking let him!"

"It doesn't matter if you sleep with him or not!" he shouts back, flinching at the idea. "He'll go around claiming you!"

"Why the hell do you care?!"

"Because! You're mi-" he stops himself and your stomach drops, your heart beating in a panic. He looks wide eyed at you before cursing himself and shutting his eyes, leaning back on the wall and sliding to the ground.

"No, I'm not," you whisper, wrapping your arms around yourself at the sudden coldness spreading through your body. "You won't let that happen, remember."

" _Fuck_."

Turning away to go back to your house, you hear Yoongi curse.

" _Please_ , wait. Don't go."

You turn to find him looking at the ground between his parted bent legs. He reaches with his arms towards you and whispers, "Come here, please?"

With your stomach twisting and with a sigh, you take his hands and lower yourself between his legs, resting your back against his leg as he wraps his arms around you and holds you close, your shoulder digging into his chest. You bury your face in his neck and breathe him in.

"I'm sorry, I just... I just fucking hate the way he looked at you. What he said about you. _Fuck_ , it pisses me off. I want to beat the smirk out of his face."

You lean back to look up at him and find his eyes searching your face. "I can protect myself from him, you know?"

This makes him smile lightly, and he pulls you in closer. "I know, Monkey. I know you don't need my help, but that doesn't mean I won't want to beat the shit out of him if he talks to you like that again."

"I'll help," you say with a side grin and he laughs a little, nodding in agreement.

You take the comfortable silence that spreads between you two to study him. Study the plumpness of his lips, mostly. One of his hands comes up to cup your cheek, the warm contact making you look away from his lips and focus on his eyes again. The frown is still there, so when he leans down to kiss you, you master all the strength possible and press your hands against his chest, pushing him back. Your heart sinks at the action, but you know you _have_ to do it.

"No."

" _No_?"

"No."

"B-but, why?" he asks with a frown.

You find his dark angry eyes and scream at yourself not to cry. "Because, Yoongi. You only want to kiss me out of jealousy. You're feeling possessive, and jealous of Jaebum."

Yoongi flinches at the name, holding you tighter to him. "That's not why I want to kiss you."

"But you're letting this situation drive you to kiss me. That's not how I want it," you admit, your voice breaking as your heart constricts in your chest.

Yoongi frowns deeper, a sigh escaping his lips as he leans his forehead on yours. "Fuck. I'm sorry."

You only shake your head before leaning in to hide your pained look in his neck again.

The embrace lasts for a while longer, until your leg starts cramping and you lean your head away, brushing your cheek against his and running your nose on his skin. "Yoon, it's getting a little uncomfortable," you whisper against his cheek.

Yoongi chuckles, the sound rumbling against your hands on his chest, "Sorry about that, Monkey."

Kissing his cheek and the tip of his nose, you move to stand but he stops you by holding you close. "Yoon?"

"Can I stay with you tonight?"

He hasn't been to sleep in your room in a long time. You know he's still feeling possessive, and his pride is probably hurt, but you also want him to sleep next to you again. You nod with a small smile and he helps you stand.

Yoongi grips your hand tightly before moving it towards his mouth to press a kiss on your knuckles.

"I'm sorry, Monkey."

With your empty hand, you cup his cheek and caress his skin softly. "I know," you say before stepping away to walk back in. Before you open the door though, he stands behind you and wraps his arms around your waist, causing the pit of your stomach to churn. His chin comes to rest on your shoulder and you turn slightly to look at him.

"Why didn't you tell me you were dating him?" he asks in a whisper.

You decide to be honest. "I knew you'd go after him. I didn't know how bad his friends were so I feared they'd hurt you."  You place your hands over his and wait for his comment, hoping it doesn't spring another fight.

"I would've," he admits, his low husky and soft voice against your ear, making your skin tingle. "I don't care if they'd hurt me. The bastard was hav- fuck, I'm not repeating it."

You squeeze his hands and lean back on his chest, your head falling to the side to rest on his shoulder. "Just forget about him, will you Yoon?"

He sighs, his grip around you tightening, "I'll try, Monkey, I'll try."


	6. 6

The living room is empty when you walk inside your home, but you can hear Yoongi moving about in the kitchen. He’s wiping the table with a cloth when you enter, a scowl on his face as he picks up a toppled cup and releases a short huff between his lips.

“Clumsy much?” you muse with a little smirk. When he looks up, a grin spreads over his face and he suddenly forgets about what seems to be soda on the table.

He drops the wet cloth on the table and walks towards you, his arms stretching for you. “Hey,” he whispers into the hug. You wrap your arms around his waist, pressing your face into his neck and breathing in the scent of peach tea.

“Did you also drop peach tea on yourself?” you ask, taking a step back to look up at him.

Yoongi rolls his eyes, “No. Jennie had a mug and we bumped into each other this morning.”

“Oh, she slept here? Is everything okay.”

“Yeah, she just fell asleep last night after coming over when her night shift ended. I told her I had pizza left over she could have.”

“Ahh.”

He lets go of you slowly, as if that’s the last thing he wants to do, and walks over to the kitchen counter. “Want something to eat? I could make you something quick for breakfast?”

Walking towards him to lean against the counter next to him, you say, “No, it’s fine. I ate at the house. I don’t have much time before I have to head to work, what did you need me for? Was it just Jimin’s and Tae’s tweets?” You knew them tweeting about how you and Yoongi have been very close recently would annoy him, but when he texted you and let out his frustrations you realized this is more than just about your friends being annoying on the internet. Yoongi doesn’t want them commenting about how you two aren’t together yet. _Yet_ …

It’s none of their business, and he’s right. All they can do is listen and keep their comments to themselves.

"No, I have something for you." Taking a deep breath, his eyes flickering between yours, he reaches into his pocket. Dark eyes look over your face as he extends his hand towards you. "It broke but, er... I fixed it." His palm opens and the  _M_  and heart pendant stare back at you, your stomach flaring with nerves as you gaze at the one little thing that meant so much to the both of you. "Do you still want it?"

Your eyes find his, eyebrows furrowing at his words. " _Of course_  I do, Yoon." With your index and thump, you clasp the small pendants but Yoongi wraps his hand around the chain before you can completely take it in your hand. 

"Let me put it on you?" 

Nodding, you grab your hair and sweep it to the side, over your shoulder, and lift it a bit while he places the pendant on your chest. When the necklace is once again around your neck, where it belongs, Yoongi leans forward, pressing his chest on your back. Instinctually, you lean back. His head comes forward besides yours and he presses his face on your neck, causing a gasp to leave your lips when his nose brushes over the goosebumps already on your neck. 

"Yoongi?" you manage to croak between the deep breaths you _have_ to take to keep calm and collected… somewhat collected. Your hands are twitching to reach for his but you know you can't, you must keep yourself calm before you do something that will cause him to build up walls between you. You're doing fine, you're doing more than fine. You got your best friend back, and yes, your feelings for him are there, but allowing so much contact between the two of you could be dangerous. 

"I'm sorry," he whispers against your skin, his hot breath searing through your skin before he leans back. He's suddenly away from you and reaching up on the cupboards for something. When you turn, he's unwrapping a chocolate bar. 

"Thanks for getting this back to me."

"Welcome," he says with a wide smile, his gums showing and making you grin back at him. You don't see that smile often, not like when you were children and he'd smile like that all the time. Slowly that smile started shying away, rarely ever revealing itself. You hadn't really thought about that, how much a person stops smiling the more they grow up. The more the true colors of the world are revealed, the less a person sees joy in it.

Yoongi takes a bite of his chocolate, giving you a wink. 

"You're playful recently," you tease as you lean over and take a bite of his chocolate, your eyes never leaving his as your lips wrap around the candy bar. Knowing exactly what you're doing, you bite slowly into the chocolate and watch as his Adam's apple bops up and down in his neck. When your teeth meet once again, you slowly remove your lips from the candy, a little caramel sticking to your lips and you have to reach over with your tongue to break it away from the candy bar and into your mouth. 

His eyes seethe into yours, " _Fucking_ _hell_ ," he moans in a voice an octave deeper than before. He aggressively shoves the rest of the candy in his mouth and walks away from you. 

You want to laugh but the look he gave you makes you swallow hard. 

"That was unnecessary," he says as he walks towards the living room, his hands running over his head. 

"That was my version of your face in my neck, jerk!" 

"I repeat, _unnecessary_! If you're going to be rude, I'll just make you leave."

Leaning against the archway between the two rooms, you raise an eyebrow at Yoongi. He slumps on the couch and mirrors the same look. "Fine then, I'm leaving," you joke and begin walking towards the door. 

"No! I was joking, come here!" 

Turning, you find Yoongi reaching towards you with both hands. Sighing, you walk towards him and take his hands. He smiles up at you as he pulls you down next to him, so fast and so close that both of your legs end up bending over his right leg, your body turning towards him as you sit on the couch. 

"I can't stay long, remember? Actually, we both can't. We have to go to work." 

"I know," he nods. His hand comes over to rest over the top of your knees, his thumb running over the fabric of your jeans. 

Yoongi leans his head back on the couch, his face still turning towards you and his eyes searching your face. 

Tentatively, you reach towards his soft pink hair and move some of it away from his eyes with your index finger. You continue touching him by running your finger down his temple and over his cheek, finally cupping it and running your thumb softly over his warm skin. You lean up towards him and he stiffens. 

"Would it be so bad if we kiss?" 

"Yes, it would."

Your heart sinks.

"Why?" you ask, removing your hand from his skin. "You almost kissed me last week." 

"You told me not to remember?"

"Well, yes," you admit, moving your legs from over his. He tries to squeeze your legs so they won’t move, but you remove his hand away from you. "But I did it because it wasn't a genuine reaction. Not at its core. I want to kiss you now; do you not want to kiss me?"

Yoongi rolls his eyes as he reaches for your hands, "Of course I do, you know that. But we both know what kissing will lead to and that wouldn't be the best thing right now." 

"Why not? It's sex." 

"Between us, it won't just be sex, Y/N. I don't want that from you." 

You pull your hands away from his, with a little struggle but he finally let go of them. "Fine. I get it, I didn't think sex with me would be such a horrible idea." When you stand to leave he tries to reach for you but you pull away. 

"That's not what I meant, and you know that! What the fuck is going on?"

You turn to glare at him, confusion clear in his dark eyes. To be honest, you have no idea. You didn't want sex, well, not right now. It wasn't what you were aiming for, you just wanted to kiss him. Having to tread lightly with Yoongi is something you are aware you have to do, and you're not exactly sure why you just threw yourself at him. Maybe it was the rejection of you wanting to kiss him, maybe that made you want to throw yourself more onto him hoping that he might say "No, let's just kiss." How pathetic is that? 

 _What the fuck is wrong with you?_  

Your face falls at the realization that your irrationality has failed you yet again. You can't think straight around him recently. It's probably all the touching and all the intimacy tricking you into thinking that this is more than what it is. 

"I don't know," you admit. "I just... I-I’m confused." 

"About what?" 

"Yoongi," you begin to say as something finally clicks in your head and you realize precisely what you need. You weren't sure before how exactly this would work, but Yoongi was right. "We need boundaries. You were right." 

His eyes widen and he abruptly stands from the couch, taking several strides towards you. "What do you mean? We were fine, we were doing good. It was back to how it was before!" 

"That's the problem!" you argue, "We can't be exactly how it was before. We can't flirt and we can't be so physical with each other. That will only confuse me. You want time, and to be able to give you that, I need this Yoongi." 

He frowns, his arms folding in front of his chest as he glares at you. His nostrils flare and you know he's trying to calm himself down. "This is because I wouldn't have sex?" 

"No, Yoongi—"

"It just wouldn't be right!"

"I know, I just mean that—"

"If we give in, I'd probably hate myself for allowing it to happen." 

At his words you stop, a little pang going off in your chest at his confession. You know that's not what he implied, not with the context of the nature of your relationship, but the words still glare a flag of insecurity inside you. 

"I have to go." Before he can even try to apologize, or even stop you, you are out of the door and headed towards your job. 

* * *

 

The knock on your window startles you, but when you find Yoongi waving at you from outside, you close your book and toss it beside you on the bed. 

As soon as the window is open, Yoongi climbs in with your help so he doesn't fall on his face. Once he's standing, he looks around the dimmed room before walking towards the bed. 

"I'm sorry," he whispers as he sits by the edge, "about what I said this afternoon." 

Nodding, you walk to sit beside him. "I know it's not what you meant."

"Still, it was horrible to say. I regretted it right away, but I didn't want to text or call. I wanted to talk to you face to face about it." 

Looking up at him, you find his eyes looking down at your tangled hands between your legs. 

"Okay," is all you whisper back. 

Yoongi leans down closer to you. "It's not like I don't want to, Monkey. Fuck, I've been frustrated since that party at Jennie's back during sophomore year in high school and you wore that damn lilac dress." 

A small laugh leaves your lips at his admission. Turning towards him, your leg bending over to rest on the bed, you give him a quizzical look. You scatter your mind for memories of that party. Jennie had the place for herself for the first time, and it was a week after her birthday so she decided to throw herself a birthday party. Vaguely, the short shift lilac dress comes back to you; there was nothing special about it from what you can remember, it didn't wrap around your body tightly or anything. It was comfortable and cute, but you rarely ever wore dresses and that was what made your guy friends turn and stare—Yoongi was one of them, but you didn't think much of it because he had a girlfriend. 

"But, you were dating Jiyeon back then, weren't you?" 

"So?" he chuckles, "My mind, and everything else was still on you. It _always_ is." His dark eyes sparkle in the dimmed light, a soft smile tugging at his full lips.

Your stomach churns at his words, a shaky breath following suit as you break your own rules and reach for his arm, wrapping both of your own around his. "I'm sorry for how I reacted too. I just... it's confusing sometimes, what I can and cannot do. What we should or should not do. We never had to worry about that before because we weren't sure that there was something we both wanted, but now... it's headed there, and I sometimes forget that I have to prevent myself from pushing you too far." 

His index finger comes under your chin and tilts your head up towards him. "Are you regretting waiting for me?" 

" _No_ ," you reassure, one hand reaching down to grip his hand while gripping his wrist with the other. "I told you I wouldn't, Yoon. I promise." 

Yoongi leans down to press a soft kiss on your forehead, making your eyes flutter close and lean into him. 

"Can I stay?"

"Yes, but no touching." 

" _Monkey_?!" He whines leaning back to pout at you. 

"Nope," you insist before moving up the bed to toss your book on the bedside table. 

You lay down under the covers and say nothing when Yoongi lays on his side right next to you, but you glare at him. He props up with his elbow and studies your face as you continue to give him a warning look. 

"I want to spoon," he whispers in a hoarse voice, a little pout forming on his full lips. 

You turn away so that you don't grin like an idiot at his expression, and you know that if you open your mouth you will say something stupid so you only shake your head. 

" _Pleeaaase_?" 

"Hmmhm," you insist, shaking your head once more. 

" _Monkeyyyy_." 

"Sush!" you finally say, a short laugh leaving your lips as you push him aside, but he doesn't budge, failing at your attempt to make him lay back on the bed. "If you want me to wait, you have to do this for me."

Yoongi chuckles, but as he continues to stare at you, his eyes finding yours, the laugh dies down and his expression turns serious. "I'd do anything to keep you by my side. Or more like, keep you from regretting having to wait to be by my side." 

With a fluttering stomach, you look away from his intense eyes and focus on his neck. "I'm always by your side. No matter what." 

"I don't deserve you," he croaks, his voice breaking and causing you to look back up at him. 

"Don't say that. It's not true."

Yoongi only gives you a small smile and slow blink. Your heart aches at the look on his face and you almost reach out for him. 

"I don't have to say it for you to know, right?" he says in an equally low and emotional tone. "That I feel the same way you do?" 

You know what he means, and at his words your chest aches further for him. You wish you could say everything. That you could touch him and not have to worry about how much it will hurt when you remember he's not yours yet.

But isn't he? Doesn't this, what is between the both of you, mean you're each other's? Yet he's so far away, sometimes unreachable. 

"Sometimes I don't believe it." 

"Well do." He leans closer to you, his breath fanning over your nose and lips as he speaks, "Monkey, I wouldn't be fighting myself, the world, and sometimes you if I didn't."

* * *

                   

You knew better than to give the man standing across the room, leaning against the back wall of the Rose Club any ounce of attention, but as Yoongi, Namjoon, Hoseok, and Jennie head back from backstage you can’t help but stare back at him. He can't dare to come over and start something, you're not sure what you'd do if he did. You're not sure what Yoongi would do if he did. 

When your friends reach the group, you turn to congratulate Hoseok. This was his first night back. Rap was unlike dance where he jumped right back in, with this he had to prepare for weeks. He wanted to make sure the rap was right, the rhythm was perfect, and that he'd be able to convey the entirety of his emotional journey with his movements as well. He said he'd forgotten how to move as a rapper, he had lost that confidence he once had and he had to slowly search for it. His raps were usually in-your-face, making you listen intently with his scratchy high voice and with his twitching, almost sexual movements while rapping. Today was different; he rapped with a deeper passion, his movements were specific and emphasized his emotional words. He rapped about being lost, and being blocked—from the world, from his family, from his love, and from music and dance. And he ended the rap with a hopeful tone, making sure to express what this newfound freedom had allowed him to do—find his way back. 

He was smiling broadly as he wrapped an arm around Rosé and thanked you. His life is slowly getting back to normal, and you love seeing the peaceful look on his face as he watches his friends with a smile.

Yoongi comes to stand next to you, a little closer than he usually does. You turn to smile at him but you find a scowl on his face as he glares at Jaebum. His hand suddenly makes contact with your lower back, causing you to jump a little, and when it starts moving up your back you feel a wave of sparks following along until he wraps his arm around your shoulder and pulls you into him.

“What are you doing?” you ask him in a wondering tone, your voice a little breathy after the feeling of his hand on you leaves you a little breathless. He’s been mostly compliant about the whole boundaries ordeal, but you know it is killing him as much as it’s killing you. But he wants to wait, and this is the only thing that can make you focus around him—no physical contact.

His tongue presses against his cheek for a beat, until he finally turns to look at you, “He’s staring at you. I need him to stop,” he mutters.

“Just ignore him,” you try to reassure, but he only turns to glare back at him.

Music starts blaring from the speakers, once all the sets have ended this turns into the club, and people don’t really stay for the dancing. There’s popular drinks that the Rose Club is known for, and so everyone heads to tables near the bar to order some drinks. You don’t really feel like drinking, so when Jungkook asks what you want you only shake your head.

Jennie takes a seat on the stool beside you and leans in. “Is Yoongi okay? He seems pissed?”

“When isn’t he,” you try to joke, but Jennie gives you a look and you know she’s not kidding. Finally, you sigh, and turn to look at the culprit as you tell her, “It’s Jaebum. He keeps staring over here.”

“Just ignore him, and hopefully Yoongi will ignore him too.”

And that’s what you try to do, and eventually Yoongi follows in the ignoring. By the second round of drinks Jungkook and Jimin bring, he has completely forgotten about Jaebum and is in a deep conversation with Jin and Taehyung. You jump into different conversations around you, finally moving around to talk to Hoseok, Rosé, and Jungkook. They’re talking about dance, so there isn’t much that you can contribute to the conversation, but they try not to leave you out of it by telling you funny anecdotes of the dance company they work for.

In the midst of a fit of laughter, after Rosé recounts how she once fell during an intricate dance move that required her to be in the hair for a split second, you feel Yoongi’s hand run up your back once more and pulling you closer to him. He leans close to your ear and whispers, “He’s coming over.”’

Your skin runs cold. When you turn around, you find Jaebum walking towards your group, a smirk on his face as he glares at Yoongi. This time he is not glaring at you, which can only mean this will end terribly.

By the time he has made it to the table, everyone is on their feet, hostile expressions on their looks as Jaebum stands in front of everyone—two of his “friends” beside him. You know for a fact these aren’t his friends, rather people who work for him. Well, work for the guy he works for, but are under him in their twisted hierarchy.

“Hello, friends,” he says loud over the music, a grin spreading over his face as he eyes everyone—his eyes lingering on you and where Yoongi’s hand grips your shoulder, pulling you closer to him.

“Who are you calling ‘friends’? Last time I checked I don’t know the first thing about you,” Jennie says, suddenly standing next to Yoongi.

You turn to glare at your friend but her eyes are burning holes through Jaebum’s head. She can’t provoke him, that is the last thing you need. If he gets overworked by their words, the ones he will come for are you and Jungkook, which will only cause Yoongi to get involved. Get everyone involved, really.

Jaebum turns to give her a sour look, “True, I have no idea who you are, except for your lousy rap and nasty attitude.”

Jennie steps towards him but you pull her back before Yoongi can.

“As if you could do any better, asshole. I can spit better raps than half the people up there!”

You pull her to the other side of you and give her a warning look she only returns with an eye roll.

“Please, half the people up there suck.”

“What the fuck do you want, Jaebum?” you ask, giving him a glare, and knowing very well that provoking him isn’t the best idea but you knew where his comment would lead and you’d rather fight him to keep him away from your friends.

He only shrugs, giving you a wink before turning to Jungkook beside Jennie. “Are you still coming tomorrow? You owe us a poker night, Jeon.”

Jungkook doesn’t look at him, but his teeth grind as he masters enough calm to answer him. “Yeah, I’ll be there.”

“Good. Maybe you can bring your friend,” he suggests, his eyes turning back to you, “you know I’ve missed you, kitten.”

“And I miss when you weren’t standing here, so if you’re done asking Jungkook what you wanted to ask, leave.”

Jaebum laughs, loud and so fake that a cold shiver runs up your back. Yoongi’s hand had fallen from you when you’d pulled Jennie, but now he steps in front of you, the back of his shoulder pressing to the front of yours.

“God, you’re feistier than ever,” he says, his teeth bearing in his amused grin. “If you must know, I came to ask if you wanted to join my poker night, you used to love them,” he says, another wink following, “especially what we did after.”

Your stomach drops at the exposing reminder that you used to have sex with this disgusting man, and now all your friends know. With the uncomfortable feeling he gave you, you don’t notice Yoongi has stepped away, he’s practically inches away from Jaebum.

“I suggests you shut the fuck up about Y/N already, turn around and take your little body guards with you before I give you a reason to regret only having brought two of them,” he spits sternly, every word carefully spoken through a low serious tone, his fingers flexing before forming tight fists by his sides.

Stepping forward, you reach for his arm and try to tug him back as Jaebum gives him a mirroring glare, fists by his side ready to show Yoongi he is not afraid of him. “Yoongi, _please_.”

“Yeah, Yoongi, pay attention to our kitten. You don’t want to get hurt.”

Yoongi tugs his arm away from you and steps closer to Jaebum. The tension has risen too high, it’s impossible to decipher how you were having a good time not but five minutes ago. The music is still blaring, and there are people around, but everything in you—all your senses—focus on the way Yoongi practically shouts in Jaebum’s face, “She is _not_ your kitten, and if you think that I’m afraid of you then you clearly have no idea who I am. And yes, before you try to remind me about who you are, I am not afraid of you. I used to fight guys like you in high school, they’re probably your bosses now. Maybe I am not the kind of guy to wreak havoc anymore, but if you don’t keep her name, or any resemblance of her being out of your mouth, I will return from retirement and beat the shit out of you.”

His words send warning shivers up your body, and by the way Namjoon suddenly steps between them you know you’re not the only one who got them.

“Alright, I think we’ve all made ourselves clear here, so I suggests we part our ways now,” Namjoon suggests, his tone strict as he pushes the men apart.

“If you think your little threat will go without consequences, you’re truly mistaken Min, and you are really underestimating my power.”

Jaebum had already threatened to take away your home, and you know that isn’t something he forgets about the next morning. He keeps the knowledge of what you hold dear in the back of his head and uses it against you when it’s most convenient to him. You’ve had enough.

“Shut the hell up already, Jaebum!” you shout over the music, stepping beside Yoongi, who gives you a wide-eyed look, “If you touch _anything_ I care for, you will really regret it. You’re going to think the time I crashed your precious car on your motorcycle was a beautiful dream.”

The truth is, you know you can’t do much to Jaebum because you’re not part of his world anymore, but you know things. Things you can tell Jungkook and that he can use to take him down somehow.

“Please,” he scoffs, “what could you possibly do, kitten? I’m not afraid of you, you’re nothing but feistiness in a sexy packaging,” he adds with a small laugh.

Everything goes silent as your blood boils.

You don’t know in what moment you made the decision, probably the second he began to scoff “please,” but as the throbbing pain from your knuckles makes its way down your palm, your teeth biting down on your lip to keep the shout inside your throat, you don’t regret it. The look of shock on his face as he holds his eye after you punched him is priceless.

“We dated for a year Jaebum,” you say through gritted teeth, “you dragged me around to all of your little jobs, so I suggest you stay away from my friends.”

He steps towards you and Yoongi steps in front of you quickly, “Don’t fucking threaten me, kitten!” he shouts, still holding on to his eye. His friends are glaring at him, waiting for a signal to do something. A crowd had started to form around the little meet up, and you know you will all be kicked out by one of the twins soon enough. Jaebum turns to Yoongi. “And if you think you have some claim over her just because you like to defend her, you really have no idea who you’re dealing with. Your little friendship won’t last once I have our kitten back,” he growls, finally turning back to you, “I have ways of making you come back, I always did Y/N.”

 _No_. This is the last thing you want to hear, and not because he’d convince you to take him back, but because you know what those words always lead to—they lead to him following you around, buying you things, and trying to sweettalk you into taking him back. He is going to stalk you until you give him what he wants, and what he wants is to get back at you and Yoongi for humiliating him. This is why he is not fighting back, because he will use other means to win.

Your heart aches as you realize that Jungkook works for this guy, and that he must be dying to do something, but can’t. What’s worse is that he could use him to get to you. You want to turn to him and tell him not to do anything, but you know he is not whom you should be worried about, because even though he’s irrational, this is his boss and he won’t do anything. On the other hand, Yoongi could give zero fucks about this asshole, and if it was up to him, Jaebum would have a few broken bones and would be bleeding on his way to the hospital by now.

“I am not going to say it again, leave and stay the _fuck_ away from Y/N,” Yoongi shouts over the music, his nostrils flaring as he glares daggers at Jaebum.

“I’m getting real tired of your annoying interference, Min, so I suggest you keep your distance from me,” Jaebum warns.

You’re already tugging at Yoongi’s arm to pull him back but he won’t budge. “Yoongi, let’s go. Come on,” you urge, but he doesn’t hear you as he continues to glare at Jaebum.

“If I see you anywhere near her, you’ll regret it.”

Jaebum laughs. You pull and plead at Yoongi. He is going to overwork Jaebum until he has reached his peak for tolerance and hit him. You can’t let them get in a fight, because once they have, Yoongi will become Jaebum’s target. He only acts if he is attacked, and if there are threats he will do anything in his power to make you take them back.

“We’ll see about that,” Jaebum says with a wink, at which Yoongi tries to step closer but both you and Namjoon try to hold him back.

You turn to look back at your friends and realize that everyone is trying to hold somebody back. If it wasn’t for the ones in your family who are somewhat sensible—on a good day—this would be a fucking mess.

Jaebum’s laugh turns your attention back to him, “I find it amusing how you’re so protective of your little friend, Min. You and I both know your lowlife career as a rapper is going nowhere, you have nothing to offer our little kitten.”

Yoongi stumbles back at this, his eyes blinking at Jaebum as if he just got slapped. Your heart constricts at the look on his face, so you reach down for his hand, which has weakly spread its fingers open from the fist.

“Because your life as a drug seller is so much better-“

“I’m also a law student,” Jaebum says with a grin, and he’s not lying. He does this for _fun_.

“Great, maybe I will hire you as my lawyer when I open up my own company as the main producer with my degree,” Yoongi says through gritted teeth.

Jaebum narrows his eyes at him. He didn’t know he was a student too. Not that it matters to him that he’s a student, but now it makes him look dumb for thinking rapping is all Yoongi does. He likes being familiar with his enemies, because when he doesn’t it makes him look bad.

“Yoongi, please,” you say once more, tightening your grip around his hand.

“Maybe you should listen to your BFF, Min,” Jaebum says with a raise of his brow. He knows this will only provoke Yoongi, and it’s obvious when he smiles at Yoongi stepping closer to him.

There’s only one way to make them both stop. You’ll explain it to your friends later.

“Yoon,” you turn to look at his angry and flushed face, the scowl on his face firmly on as he burns Jaebum from the inside out. “ _Baby_ , please just ignore this asshole and let’s go.”

You feel silence fall around you despite the music blaring. Yoongi turns slowly towards you, his frown disappearing as he finally looks at the plead on you face.

Sparing a glance at Jaebum, you find the confusion on his face, but you hope Yoongi will play along. With your empty hand, you reach for his jaw and pull him closer, “ _Please_ , let’s go.”

In a trance, Yoongi nods and allows you to drag him away. You give Namjoon a look when he frowns at you as you pass by.

“We’ll follow in three,” is all he says.

“We’ll take the bus.” He nods.

Outside, after you’ve dragged Yoongi for half a block, he finally stops in his tracks and pulls you back with him. You turn to find his frown back, his dark eyes glaring softly into yours.

“What is he going to do now?” he asks in a whisper as he pulls you closer. You let him take your other hand in his and allow for his forehead to fall on yours.

“He’s going to stalk me.”

“ _Fuck_!”

You let go of one of his hands and cup his cheek, his hand immediately going for your waist to pull you closer. “Shh, it will be fine. I won’t let him manipulate me.”

“What if he uses Jungkook against you?”

“I will use what I know against him with Jungkook.”

Yoongi shuts his eyes as he pulls you closer in, his breath fanning over your face. “What do you know?”

“Not a lot, but enough. I promise it will be okay, you just have to keep your temper down.” You sigh, engulfing in his warmth and the way his palm is burning into the skin by your hip.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbles before he leans down to bury his face in your neck.

“I probably need to check myself too,” you say with a little amusement.

Yoongi surprises you by laughing, his lips brushing your skin. He leans back to give you a huge grin, his gums staring back at you, “Monkey, you punched him!” he muses.

You laugh a little at the fact that you punched a grown man, “He deserved it!”

“For sure! It was fucking awesome!” he practically shouts before embracing you and pulling you close once more. He reads your face with amusement, but slowly that fades into seriousness, and a little wonder as his eyes roam over your eyes, nose, and linger on your lips. “I could’ve kissed you right then and there… amazing.”

“ _That_ would have pissed him off,” you whisper.

Yoongi nods, then he leans down to press a soft kiss on the tip of your nose, and on your forehead, and on both of your cheeks, mumbling “Is your hand okay?” against your skin. Your whole body tingles at the soft kisses, your eyes fluttering close as you allow him to do something he probably shouldn’t. You can’t even focus on your hand as he continues to peck your cheeks, but you feel a faint ache by your knuckles.

“Just a little sore,” you whimper, which causes him to stop kissing your jaw to look back at you. When you open your eyes, he is staring at you with so much tenderness you feel your chest could implode.

Without breaking eye contact, he reaches for your hand and brings the bruised knuckles to his lips to kiss softly, making your eyes flutter close once more.

“Let’s put some ice on them at home?” he whispers against your tender skin and you nod.

He holds your bruised hand the rest of the way to the bus stop, during the bus ride, and all the way home, constantly running his fingers over the bruises to soothe the ache.

After your knuckles are iced, and you are wearing some of his clothes as pajamas, you let him hold you close, his hand intertwined with your bruised one.

“You called me ‘baby’?” he asks in a whisper against the skin of your neck, his hot breath making the hairs at the back stand.

You nod. “I thought it would get your attention.”

“It did… I… I liked it a lot.” His low, husky tone makes the pit of your stomach burn. And as his soft lips move along the crook of your neck, his arms wrapping tighter around you as he presses you to his chest, he whispers, “I can’t wait to hear it again, under better circumstances.”

With another nod, you say nothing because you might just call him that nickname again in a whimper, so you just hold his hand tighter to you. You turn your head a little and plant a kiss on his temple, your skin shivering when he sighs deeply with his lips still by your skin and his hot breath fanning over it.

For tonight, you’ll forget the boundaries. _Only for tonight_.


	7. 7

Out of all the men in your life, when your coworker said there was a guy waiting for you outside, you expect Jungkook to be the one outside waiting out of all of them—you had planned to meet him after your shift ended—maybe even Namjoon or Hoseok, the only ones your coworkers hadn't met yet. If it was Yoongi, she would have said, "The pink haired, brooding, pissed off not-boyfriend of yours is outside again, looking like he's ready to punch someone who dares to look at him," and yes, she has said that all ten times Yoongi has picked you up. But when you step out into the setting skies, pulling your sweater on, your stomach drops at the figure standing against the wall of the neighboring shoe store. 

"What do you want Jaebum?" 

He raises a brow, his teeth going for his bottom lip to hide the smirk he wants to give you at the eliciting of annoyance from you just by the mere sight of him. He loved that, annoying you, pissing you off. It got him off. He liked that you sometimes acted like you didn't like him, it made him feel like he was always trying to chase you, and if you're being honest you liked being chased and playing hard to get. 

Now, not so much. You're tired of games. You want the real thing, you want the stable, healthy relationship that will never make you question whether it's a good thing, whether it will last or not. And maybe you're too young to want something serious but you've always had to be a lot more mature than most people your age. You already played around. You're done with that. You need something real, and Jaebum thinks you're not done playing.  

"God, I love that you never stopped being feisty." 

You start walking past him. "It's not me being feisty, it's me genuinely not wanting to see your face." 

He grabs your wrist just as you pass him, gripping it tightly he pulls you back at full force and turns you so you slam against the wall—not too strong but strong enough to annoy you—and he traps you there, his uncomfortable glare pinning you down. 

"I just came to leave a warning, kitten," he whispers, the hot alcoholic and nicotine breath hitting your face almost making you gag, forcing you to look past him. "Your little group, as I conclude, of little kindergarteners, need to back the fuck off from my business with Jeon Jungkook. Don't mettle into what isn't your business."

You finally turn to glare at Jaebum, pulling your arm away from his grip, causing him to stand straight, but only to place his palm just by your head. 

"Jungkook is like a brother to us. He _is_ our brother, we grew up together. His business is _our_ business. As for your little threats-"

" _Tsk_ _tsk_ ," Jaebum warns, his head shaking. "Don't go into a heat you won't be able to handle, kitten. You know me, don't you?" he adds, his face tilting towards you, forcing you to press the back of your head against the wall. 

" _Unfortunately_." 

He smirks. "Then you know what I'm capable of. If Jungkook starts slacking off and thinking he can walk all over me just because we have the same boss, then you can kiss goodbye to that little run-down house you all love to hang out at like some fucking hipsters." 

Your stomach drops, vile threatening to come up your throat. His dark eyes bore into yours, the raise of his eyebrows a silent warning that he isn't fucking around. And you know this, you're aware of what he's capable of. 

You master all the strength you can, beg your voice not to betray you now, and channel all the anger you have for this asshole and let it surface to control your actions. Even if it's just for a few minutes. "We won't let you take it."  

Jaebum laughs, loudly. "As if you'd all have the money to buy that dump. And if you did, you'd be giving up all your savings for a dump that is almost unfixable and would cost you more money than its worth. That's why it's never been sold off and you know this. But me? I'm fucking loaded, kitten, and that wouldn't even make a dent in my bank account. I'd buy it, let it rot, and never let you back in." 

What you would give to lay a punch on that smug look on his face. But your anger is telling you exactly how to hit him. You school your expression, softening your glare and tugging your lips a little, changing your body language too—for extra effect. In a low, enticing tone, you drag out the words, "We all know that house isn't what you want, Jaebum." He stiffens at your expression, not expecting you to change so quickly, and knowing too that you're doing something, but he doesn't know what—yet. "You want something you can't have. As you always do. Except this time, it's something you did have, and you lost it because you were stupid and you got caught. But me? I'm never letting you touch me ever again. I don't gain anything by being with you, I actually gain everything by turning you down over and over until you're so humiliated you have to pretend like you never wanted me in the first place, but inside you'll be burning with anger, until you rot." You can't help but smirk at the dumbfounded expression on his face. 

Jaebum narrows his eyes at you, taking a deep breath, he laughs in a disheartened manner for a second, almost scoffing but with little incentive and confidence to back a scoff up. He leans down, his lips close to your cheek as you turn away from him. "You're fooling yourself if you can't admit I still do something for you, Y/N," he says in a low whisper that causes discomforting shivers to run up your arms and the back of your neck. 

"The only thing you do, Jaebum, is disgust me." 

He laughs again, stepping back and allowing some fresh air to hit your body and senses. "I know for a fact you didn't date anyone after me, kitten. I did a number on you, didn't I?" 

The vile returns, but you push it back down. 

You raise a brow and look back at him. "I wouldn't be so sure if I was you." 

"You expect me to believe you're dating Min? Please," he scoffs, "he's never seriously dated anyone. He'll be done with you soon." 

"I was actually talking about Jungkook," you say with a smirk, hating yourself as soon as you say it, but not regretting after the stupid surprised look on his face. "What's between Yoongi and I isn't your business, and for the record what happened between me and Jungkook isn't either. So, I suggest you back off," you end with a fake broad smile.

A throat clears beside where the two of you stand, and you turn to find Yoongi standing there in his jean jacket, glaring daggers at Jaebum. 

"Yoongi!" you exclaim as you push past Jaebum and hug Yoongi, his arms immediately wrapping around you. You bury your face in his neck and indulge in his non-alcoholic and non-nicotine scent. Instead take in his cologne, the smell of his jacket that smells a lot the way home smells, and take in the warmth of his body against yours. 

"My guess is Min here doesn't usually like hearing about you fucking Jungkook, yet here you were just discussing it like it's nothing, kitten?" 

Jaebum's voice makes those same shivers run up your spine and burst your happy bubble. You step back from Yoongi to look up at him but he's still glaring at Jaebum, who is glaring at him. 

"What she did or didn't do with Jungkook isn't my business. She's dated, I dated, that's how life works." 

Jaebum shakes his head, "Yeah but I doubt you dated her best friend," he adds with a smirk. 

"I don't see how I could date myself, and that'd be pretty boring to be honest." 

You smirk up at Yoongi and he gives you a quick look, lip twitching in a small smile. 

"If you're her best friend how come you didn't know about us? And don't say you did because it's so obvious." 

It's your turn to glare at Jaebum once more. 

"Come on Jaebum," Yoongi says, the smirk still on his face as his arm snakes around your waist and he pulls you in close, "we both know she didn't say anything because she was embarrassed. Why would she want her best friend to know she was dating a duchebag? I mean, I wouldn't have judged her, I'd be surprised how she even let you date her, but I completely understand why she didn't tell me."  

Jaebum takes a step towards where you both stand. Your hand grips Yoongi's shirt under his jacket by his waist after you've put an arm around him, but Yoongi doesn't even stiffen, he continues to smirk at Jaebum. 

"You have a lot of nerve, Min. I wouldn't get on my bad side if I were you." 

Yoongi scoffs, "Too bad you're already on my bad side." You grip Yoongi tighter, a warning not to entice Jaebum. This isn't a game Yoongi should be playing. 

"Come on let's go," you tell Yoongi, looking up at him but he's still glaring at Jaebum. 

"Your girlfriend is making a sound suggestion, Min. I also advise you get out of my face." 

"You're the one who came all the way here to stalk her, so why the fuck don't _you_ get lost." 

"Yoon, come on, I have to go," you insist, hoping he remembers your meeting with Jungkook. 

Yoongi finally turns to look down at you, his expression softening before he nods. He turns to glare once more at Jaebum. "If I see you bothering her again-"

"What?" Jaebum laughs, "You're going to hit me? Aren't you on probation Min? I mean, I imagine a low life like you would be." 

Yoongi raises a brow, "I'm not, so I'm not really afraid of kicking the shit out of you. But what I was going to say, is that if I see you bothering her again I won't stop her, because you deserve it. You and I both know what she does to guys who bother her one too many times." Yoongi smirks and starts walking away from Jaebum with you under his arm. 

Jaebum does know what Yoongi is talking about. It happened twice in high school, in two different school years, a guy would keep bothering you and when they got too handsy and too close, you kicked them right where it'd hurt them. They both ended in the hospital and you didn't receive any charges both times after the statements you made about them. Plus, it wasn't the first time they bothered a girl, they were friends known to always bother any girl who so much as spared them a glance. People gave you nicknames after the first guy, the "ball buster," which wasn't all that clever and it was annoying to hear people call you that. Yoongi would death glare anyone who called you by the stupid nickname. 

Jaebum knew about it because you told him, and he almost wanted to send his guys over to the first guy, so you never told him about the second. He found out anyways, but what he found out too was that Jimin, Taehyung, Yoongi, Jungkook, and Jennie had already had a meeting with the second guy. You scolded them after you found out, and it had turned out they had met with the first guy too so that made you even more annoyed, but you couldn't stay mad at them. You would do the same for them. 

"It is taking everything in me not to turn back around," Yoongi states through gritted teeth as you turn the corner and into the main street. 

"Just forget him, okay?" 

Yoongi stops, turning to face you with a scowl on his face. "What did he even want?" 

You sigh, folding your arms in front of your chest. Yoongi reaches for you and wraps his arms around your waist, holding you close. "He threatened us."

"What the fuck?" 

"He said that if we don't butt out of his business with Jungkook he's taking home away from us." 

Yoongi takes a deep shaky breath, clearly trying to shake off the anger boiling at the surface. "We won't let him," he claims, his forehead coming to rest on top of yours. 

"You can't say that because you know it's not true. He could easily take it away." 

Yoongi sighs, his minty breath hitting your face and causing your eyes to flutter close. Unwinding your arms, you wrap them around his neck and pull him closer. 

"We'll figure out where you can live if it ever comes to that, but right now I have to go talk to Jungkook. We're not butting out." 

Yoongi hums in agreement, he leans down to press a kiss to your cheek and you grin at the flutter the action causes. Your eyes open and find Yoongi looking at you, his eyes soft and tender as they read your face. 

"They found my dad." 

Your arms fall from his neck and onto his chest. "What?" you say in a whisper, almost inaudible. 

"Yeah, this morning they called and said they found him and they're questioning him about what happened. He's going to say it wasn't him and I'm going to prison. Won't have to worry about finding me a place-"

Your vision tilts and your stomach drops. "Stop it." Your heart aches at the look on his face, the defeat in his expression, but more so at the idea of losing Yoongi to prison. "That won't happen." 

"Monkey, I burned down-"

"No!" 

"Hey, hey," he suddenly says in a soothing tone, his hands moving up your sides until he's cupping your face. "It'll be fine, okay, whatever happens-"

"No!" you exclaim once more, your voice shaky and latent with panic. Vile threatens once more but this time for a completely different reason. This can't happen to him. It just _can't_. Your hands grip his jacket and you pull him in closer. "I'm not losing you like this, any way _but_ this." Your stomach twists uncomfortably at your own words because you hadn't realized that's what you're most afraid of. It's not that Yoongi wouldn't handle prison, because you have to admit he would. It's not because you think he doesn't deserve it, he doesn't, but he's right when he claims that he committed the crime he's being accused of. 

But it's also because it's just not fair. Hasn't he been through enough? Shouldn't he be allowed to have a life? Pursue his dream, make a future for himself after all the shit his so called biological family put him through. 

Yoongi's eyes shut close and he takes a deep breath, and he leans down towards you once more. "You're not going to lose me, no matter where I go. It'll be fine, okay, whatever happens, everything will turn out okay."

You push him away, he doesn't budge for a bit, his eyes opening to frown at you in a pleading look. He finally lets go of you and you take several steps towards the street, your hands going to your hair to pull it at the roots for some stress release. 

"You can't fucking say things will be okay if you end up in prison Yoongi. How the hell is that things being okay?" you claim, turning to glare at him. 

He sighs. "Monkey, I know it wouldn't be the best situation, but don't think of it as the end of the world, okay. I won't be there forever. We'll be okay." 

"Yoongi, this is arson we are talking about! You'd be in there up to 10 years or more, how the fuck are you okay with this?!" 

"I'm not!" he practically shouts, making you stop yourself from shouting again. "But I did this to myself okay, I ruin my own life so I have to pay for the shit I do." 

You glare it him. How is he not fighting this, how is he not finding a way out. He's given up. On everything. 

He'd be saying goodbye to becoming a recording rapper. To a future in music in general. To finishing school and getting his producing degree. To a future, period. 

You don't want to make this about you but how could you ignore that this would be the end for the two of you as well. 

"So, no more rapping, no more producing, and you're okay with that?" 

Yoongi's face softens, a sad look spreading over his features. He licks his lips and nods. "I'll survive." 

You shake your head. _How is he acting like this? How is he so calm?_  

You turn to find his eyes, and take several steps towards him, inches from touching his toes. "This would be the end of us too, you know?" 

"I don't want to think about that." He looks away from you and focuses on the silent street behind you. 

"I guess it doesn't matter because there isn't much between us to begin with," you claim. A low blow, you know, but you can't help but feel hurt that he doesn't seem to want to acknowledge that you wouldn't have a future together. You turn to head in the direction of the coffee place you asked Jungkook to meet you at—a few blocks from your job—but Yoongi pulls you back by the arm. 

"Don't fucking say that," he says through gritted teeth when you turn to face him. "You know damn well there isn't anything either." 

"Then why does it look like it doesn't matter to you?" 

Yoongi let's go of your arm and goes for his hair, tugging it. "Of course it fucking matters, Y/N!" he exclaims, taking a step forward. 

"I'm not going to wait another decade, or longer for you if you end up in prison." 

He winces. You know you just stabbed him right in the heart, it hurt to even say those words but you can't lie to him. That would be your breaking point. You couldn't possibly do that, not wait for him like this. It wouldn't be fair to you and you have to be honest with yourself. "I know I said I'd wait forever but not like this. Not when I couldn't see you or talk to you every day. What's the fucking point of torturing myself if the truth is I'd end up living less of my life with you, and more without you. What's the point then?" 

He looks away from you again, a hand coming over to run over his face. "Fuck," is all he whispers before he turns to lean against the wall of the building to your left. His dark eyes find you, a frown staring back at you as he tries to master the words to end this argument. You don't want to fight either. If he really is leaving, what's the point in fighting. 

"I don't want to think about losing you, okay?" he whispers, "I can't allow myself to go there. Not right now, I'll have time to hate myself and torture myself further later," he claims, his hands reaching for you. 

With a sigh, you walk towards him and let him embrace you. You rest your head against his collarbones and wrap your arms around him. 

"I don't want to think about how little time we have either, but we'll have to eventually."

"I know," he admits as a hand comes up to brush your hair, his chin now resting on your head. 

You lean back to look up at Yoongi, his eyes watery when you find them and you suddenly feel like someone punched you in the gut at the look on his face. In a shaky voice, you claim, "I-If you leave... you're getting a proper goodbye." 

He smiles a little disheartened smile, "I don't want a party, Y/N." 

"I'm not talking about a party." 

Yoongi frowns at that. "Then what?" 

You stare at him, hoping he can see it in your eyes without you having to embarrassingly say it out loud. 

He continues to look confused. You sigh. 

"If you're leaving, we're saying goodbye to each other properly." 

He frowns further and you almost smack him. "What? What are you-" 

You reach for his face and pull him closer, "We're saying goodbye to every in inch of each other, now tell me you get that I mean sex?" 

Yoongi's eyes widen, his mouth falling open in a small "o." 

"O-oh, that," he says, his lips spreading into a smile, but it disappears as quickly as it came. "I don't know... I think that will make it more difficult for the both of us, don't you think?" 

He's right, and you know having sex would make it almost impossible to move on, but you can't imagine your life without him and you suddenly have to. You want to do everything you possibly can before he leaves. _If_ he ends up leaving. 

You nod, looking away from him. "I just..." you look back at him, "we'll never get to be together and that hurts more than having to wait." 

Yoongi cups your face, "That doesn't mean we have to be irrational about how we spend our time." 

"Having sex wouldn't be irrational. If all we do is have sex before you leave I'd say that was time well spent," you insist with a small smirk that earns a laugh from him. "I know it'd probably hurt more when we do have to say goodbye but... I don't want to miss out on anything with you. Not more than I already do." 

Yoongi sighs, defeated. "If I end up leaving, we're missing out on everything. I know you wouldn't wait for me, and I don't expect you to, but I don't know if I want to leave knowing we had something for what, a few weeks? It would torture me." 

You want to end the conversation before your heart breaks further, because thinking about losing him was the last thing you thought you'd experience today, which is why the both of you keep saying "if," hoping to everything that he really won't be leaving—even if the possibility of him staying is small. 

"Unless we like, did everything in a week. I release a mixtape and a few albums. Got married, had kids, grew old together," he says with a short laugh. 

You feel as if he just punched you in the gut himself. Like he stabbed you right back in the heart. Your eyes water at the sudden myriad of feelings washing over you and you look away from him. 

"Hey, no I'm sorry. Fuck," he claims as he tries to get you to look at him, "I'm so sorry, that was insensitive." 

You pull away from him and wipe at your eyes, finally feeling completely beaten. Like you could crumple any second. Everything you wanted with Yoongi, it could be but a mindless dream if he ends up leaving. He's _it_ for you, he's always been _it_ for you, and you're supposed to move on when all you've ever wanted in life includes him being there beside you? 

"I need to go meet Jungkook." 

"Hey," he whispers, reaching for you once more but you don't turn to look at him. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. Please don't leave like this, I don't want you upset with me." 

"I'm fine." 

"Monkey, no you're not."

Pulling your arm away from him, you turn to look at him. "Yeah, you're right. I'm not okay. I'm not okay because this morning I thought if I waited a little bit for you to be ready to be with me, everything would turn out okay. We'd end up together, happy, maybe get married in the future, maybe have kids, have successful careers and get out of the dumps we live in, and in my silly imagination we both die at the same time because fuck off if the universe thinks I am letting either of us live without the other. But I was fucking mistaken. That was a silly, childish dream." 

You walk off, despite him shouting your name, but he doesn't follow you because he knows that's not what you want right now, but he still tries to get you to turn around. You don't. 

* * *

 

Jungkook is sitting at one of the tables outside the coffee shop, two drinks in front of him.

Mastering as much strength as you can, you wipe the sullen look on your face and paste over a smile. "Hey, have you been waiting long?" you ask him as you sit next to him. You're glad the place is mostly empty, and not many people are walking around outside now that it's gotten dark on a Wednesday afternoon, not when people have work in the morning. 

"Not much, but the ice in your drink did melt," he says with a smile. 

You shrug, "It's fine, thanks for it by the way." The drink is fresh and sweet, an iced caramel coffee. 

"No problem." 

The silence stretches for a while as you both drink your beverages, but you know the impending conversation has to start sooner or later. When your drink is halfway done, you finally set it down and turn to look at him. 

"What I'm going to tell you... Jungkook, you have to promise to only use this information if you have to. _Life or death_ have to." 

Jungkook frowns as he sits up, back straight and serious. "I promise, but Y/N, how bad is it?" 

You take a deep breath. This isn’t information Jaebum knows you know. But if he finds out Jungkook knows there's a possibility blame could be tracked down to you, but most likely he will think Jungkook has been following him around and listening to private conversations, which can only bring your friend more trouble.  Eavesdropping isn't something Jaebum takes to lightly. 

You look around, making sure no one is near, and scoot really close to Jungkook so you won't have to whisper too loud for him to hear you. You should've probably done this someone where you were in private, but risking any more of your friends knowing wasn't something you'd want to gamble with.  

"When I was dating Jaebum, I once heard him talking to someone. I was supposed to be sleeping in his room," you turn to look at Jungkook's reaction but he only blinks at you expectantly, a strange ease settling inside you at that, "but all the loud talking woke me up. He was pissed off at the guy. When I walked down he was yelling at him for screwing some orders up. I didn't think much of it at the time, there were people who would report to him, not as much as now, but he still had power within Jackson's crew back then." You didn't have to ask to know Jungkook answers to Jackson just like Jaebum, but that Jungkook also answers to Jaebum. Jackson isn't a name you speak of lightly. He's the leader, but no one is supposed to know that, and if those who work for him ever speak his name outside of duty or to the police, well, let's just say he owns quite a lot of guns that he lets his minions borrow on special occasions. 

"You heard a name," Jungkook states. 

You nod. "He told him that if he fucked up again he'd make sure he was never in this line of work again, but that firing and outcasting him wasn't what he should be fearing. Jaebum called him _Mark_." 

Jungkook's eyes widen. "No. But... Mark... it's not  _that_  Mark, it can't be? He's always worked for Zeta..." 

Zeta is the leader of Jackson's rival crew. In the past few years a lot of the Zeta crew had been joining the underground rapper community so word got around about him, he became a big deal. 

"K," what Jackson is referred as, "doesn't even know who Zeta is, but there's rumors that Zeta knows who K is. Was Mark a double agent?" 

You shake your head. 

Jungkook looks down at his coffee in a frown. "I don't get it... Mark is the equivalent of Jaebum in the Zeta crew... why would he have ever worked for him and Jaebum not say anything. It can't be him..." he trails off. 

"Mark from Zeta is the rapper, right?" Jungkook nods. "That night I saw his face Jungkook, and that was the Mark who showed up at the Rose Club a few years ago." 

"What the fuck is going on," he exclaims while he runs his hand through his dark hair.

"Look, I'm speculating here, but that night Mark looked fucking scared of Jaebum. He definitely worked for him. I don't know much about these drug selling groups or whatever the fuck they do except for the little knowledge I gained while dating Jaebum. What I do know is that Jaebum seemed to have a lot of power over him, and the more we heard about this Zeta guy at the clubs the more he reminded me of someone..." 

Jungkook's eyes widen, his head shaking in denial. "No fucking way... there's _no_ fucking way." 

"Kook, there's six letters in _Jaebum_. Zeta is the sixth letter of the Greek alphabet, and correct me if I'm wrong, but Jaebum is K's 7th right-hand man after the others were caught or killed." 

"Zeta has a value of 7," Jungkook adds, he too remembering that time Jin went through a Greek Mythology phase and wanted to learn Latin. "He's fucking dangling who he is right under K’s nose."

You let Jungkook process what you just told him. You never thought this speculation would ever be useful to you, not when you never thought you'd see Jaebum again, so you hope Jungkook knows how to wisely use this information. 

"The past few years, Zeta has taken away members from K, loyal customers, and raised his number of crew members in underground club scenes... he's sucking him dry from the inside... that bastard is smart." 

Jungkook hasn't looked away from his drink, his eyes darting back and forth as he tries to connect the dots. 

Fear comes in a slow wave through you, so you reach for his hand on the table and squeeze. "Jungkook, you can't use this unless you _have_ to. You could get killed, or worse, Jaebum will force you to work for him." 

"I love the fact you know which one is worse," he manages to say with a smile, and you too try to return the smile. 

"I'm serious Jungkook. I don't want anything to happen to you, we don't know what Jaebum is really capable of doing if people know about this. I'd rather not find out." 

Jungkook squeezes your hand. "I won't use this unless I have to, I promise." 

You let go of his hand and pull him in for a hug, the first in a long time. He embraces you tightly, and you realize how much you missed your friend. 

When you pull back, you find his dark eyes. "Are we okay?" 

With a smile, Jungkook nods. "We're fine Y/N. Look, I'm not going to lie and say that I've completely moved on but... I'm kind of seeing someone." 

"Oh," you tease with a smile. "Really?" 

He nods, but a frown appears over his handsome face. "It's pretty casual, it's kind of a distraction really, but it's working," he adds with a short laugh. "She likes me, I think, but I'm not sure right now is the right time to start anything. Especially not with her, she wouldn't want to be involved in this mess." 

You nod, understanding exactly where he's coming from, and a little too familiar with his statement. 

"Should we go home, or are you going back to your mom's?" 

"I'd rather not go home right now," you say awkwardly while trying to avoid eye contact with him as you stand. 

"Did you two fight again?" 

"Sort of. You should ask him." 

"If it's about his dad being found, I know. I was there when they called him." 

You look at Jungkook and hope that your emotions aren't crystal clear on your face. 

"Look, it's a possibility they'll find out it was him, but let's just hope for the best." 

You nod unenthusiastically and start heading towards the bus stop with Jungkook, glad to have a friend take you back to your small cave of a room so you don't have to be alone with your thoughts during the walk. 

* * *

 

By Friday you begin to regret giving Yoongi the silent treatment, because when nightfall comes and you're having pizza with your friends at home, Namjoon lets everyone know of something that makes you feel like a fucking jackass. 

"Yoongi is not here today because he had to report to the station tonight. They said they had something to tell him." 

"This late at night!" Jin exclaims from his seat on the floor between Jennie and Jimin. 

"It's only 7, Jin, and barely getting dark," Jennie says as she takes a bite of her veggie pizza. 

"Oh," the man says, blushing a little at his overreaction. "Still, that's weird..." 

You and Jungkook share a worried look. 

"What?" Taehyung asks, pointing between the two of you. "You two know something, speak!" 

"Tae!" Jisoo slaps his arm, at which he shrugs apologetically. 

Turning to Namjoon, whom you feel staring, he nods. He also knows. "They found Yoongi's dad and they were going to question him about the fire to find out which of the two of them did it." 

"Fuck, Yoongi is screwed," Jimin mumbles, at which Rosé and Hoseok throw tissues at him, shouting for him to shut the fuck up. 

The rest of the night plays out in silence. You don't really pay attention to The Office re-runs Namjoon chose. It feels wrong enjoying one of Yoongi's favorite shows. It's got his very familiar dry humor and sarcasm he loves to watch, and he's always been a fan of the love story that unfolds between the co-workers that is honestly the highlight of the show, but he'd never admit it out loud. But the little annoyed huffs and exclamations whenever either of them fight or don't end up together are enough to tell you that Yoongi likes watching them as much as you do. And it's clear why the both of you like the two of them together, they remind you of a pair of idiots who can't seem to figure anything out. 

Everyone leaves to their respective places and promise to be back early with breakfast to catch up with Yoongi, but you decide to stay back and go lay down in Yoongi's mattress. 

It's nine by the time you hear the front door open and close. You immediately sit up and push the blanket away from you, pulling down at the long tee-shirt of Yoongi's you decided to wear for bed. If he's leaving you, you’re not backing down from your claim. If he turns you down, then he turns you down, but you're going to try anyways. 

The door swings open and Yoongi jumps back startled. "Monkey! Fuck, you scared the shit out of me!" 

"What happened?" 

Yoongi doesn't say anything, he only catches his breath with a hand over his chest, then he kicks off his shoes and walks towards you. You kneel on the mattress as he gets closer and he meets you the same way, thighs touching as he reaches for your face, his dark eyes looking momentarily between yours before he leans down to crash his lips against yours. 

You kiss him back quicker than a heartbeat, your own heart exploding in fear as he kisses you, combusting in confusing anger, longing, passion, and anticipation of the worst possible outcome of his meeting. You moan against his lips as your fingers find his hair and pull him closer. He takes that opportunity to dart his tongue out between your lips and you allow him to deepen the kiss, taking in all of his moans, and feeling the grunts coming from his chest against your own. 

One of his hands let's go of your jaw as his tongue finds yours and starts pressing and twisting it inside your mouth, kissing you so feverishly. It’s as if he's been starving and dehydrating for years and he's only now found land with food and water. 

His hand runs along your side, causing shivers and for your body to press against his body and his touch. You want to feel every inch of him against you. Your heart aches as he continues to kiss you, because you're starting to realize what the kiss means. 

His other hand runs down your neck, down feathery over your collarbones and down your side, leaving hot tingling lines where he touches over his shirt, the sensation created by his gentle touches travels down to your core and elicits moans that are swallowed in by Yoongi's mouth. He grips you by the waist and pulls you in closer. That's when you start crying, and when Yoongi pulls back from the kiss, confusion on his face staring back at you when your eyes flutter open. You let out a small sob. 

You feel as if your heart has shattered one too many times and nothing could fix it. 

"Hey," he whispers tenderly, reaching to cup your face once more, "Hey, no, don't do that, don't cry, baby." 

Your insides twist and you smack his chest between sobs. "Don't call me that!" 

"I'm sorry!" He shouts back and tries to pull you in close but you don't let him. 

"You're leaving aren't you! You're going to prison?!" 

Yoongi shakes his head, "I'm _not_!" 

The world stops, and your mouth falls open, your sobs and tears abruptly ending. "W-what?" 

Yoongi smiles half-heartedly, "I'm not going to prison." 

You frown at his expression, more than confused by his actions, "T-then why did you kiss me?" 

Yoongi moves a hand down your face until he reaches down to cup your neck, his thumb brushing your jaw gently back and forth. "Because I thought I was going to really lose you this time, and realized that I was being fucking stupid and childish, and that _fuck_ , if I was going to prison I wouldn't have allowed us to leave this room. I wouldn't even allow anyone inside this house until we'd fucked in every room." 

Your insides churn at his bluntness and you feel yourself flush at the thought of his words. 

"That's not sanitary..." you whisper, at which he laughs. 

"Monkey, I'm not leaving because the bastard said he burned down the house himself." 

Realization finally downs on you, that of course if Yoongi wasn't going to prison, someone was. His dad. 

"What? Why would he-"

"Why would he say he did it? That's what I wondered too, so I asked him." Yoongi let's go of you and starts taking off his jacket, standing up from the bed and heading to the small drawers he has with clothes. He takes off his shirt and pulls over a clean one. "He said it was something he 'had to do' which I think is code for, 'this makes up for the hell I put you through'." Yoongi takes off his jeans and leaves the boxers on, walking over to the bed once more and sitting down with his back resting on the back wall. "He's being stupid," he whispers looking down at his watch as he starts unclasping it. 

Crawling over to him, you sit beside him but facing him, and reach for his hand. "He should do this for you," you admit. You know it may sound insensitive thinking someone who didn't commit a crime pay for it, but he's really put Yoongi through hell, and deserves to pay for it somehow. 

His dark eyes find yours and his expression softens into sadness. "I don't know... I don't like the idea that he thinks he can make this up by going to prison for me. He's still an asshole, and I don't want to owe him anything." 

"You don't owe him _anything_ Yoongi.  _He's_  the one who owes you. He owes you for all the times he stole your money, stole your childhood, abused you, and made you miserable. And when he stole your equipment and money,  _again_ , and left you alone, that was the breaking point for you. That's what caused you to burn down the house. It's his fault. If it wasn't for him you would have  _never_  done that." 

Yoongi tries to smile. "I know... I just, I can't help but think he will hold this over my head." 

"You don't have to go see him." 

Yoongi laughs a small, breathy laugh. "He's not adding me on the visitor list, so I'm not allowed to see him. He said he knew I wouldn't want to—which he's right about. But maybe he'll come looking for me after he comes out." 

"How much time did he get?" 

"Nineteen. Fifteen for arson of a property he was renting, stealing my money and equipment—which he admitted to—and four for running away and for denying, at first." 

You reach forwards to cup his face and make him look at you. "You'll be long gone when he comes out. Even if he's released on good behavior." 

Yoongi nods and reaches for you, gripping you by the waist and pulling you over his lap to straddle him. He wraps his arms around you and buries his face in your neck. You wrap your arms around his neck and breathe in his scent. Your entire body sighs as you hold him, releasing all the stress that had worked itself up since you found that crumbling, ashy house. With a heart carefully beating again, a little patched up after realizing you're not losing him, you hold him tighter. 

"I kissed you and you cried," Yoongi says against the skin on your collarbone, words muffled because of the contact he refuses to stop between his lips and your skin. 

Slapping his shoulder, you try to pull him back, "That's because I thought you were leaving! Jerk!" 

Laughing, he pulls back to look at you, he plants a kiss on your forehead and grins. "It was a good kiss though," he adds with a wink. 

You narrow your eyes at him. "I'm still mad at you..." you can't help the smile that tugs at your lips. 

Bravely stretching forward, you lean up to kiss him and surprisingly he doesn't pull away or push you back. Instead, he meets you halfway and kisses you, your eyes closing at the contact. The kiss is tender at first, lips softly brushing against each other like it's the first time you've ever kissed. Your fingers find their way into his hair, tugging and playing at his pink strands while his hands knead at the skin by your hips, his touch burning. He pulls you in close, pressing you against him as much as he can, and when your tongue darts out to taste him he parts his lips for you. 

The kiss deepens, the heat of the room and your skin rising. A hand makes its way up your body, lightly leaving a trail of heat up your skin until he cups the back of your neck and tilts your head for better access into your mouth, kissing you like he's starving once more. When he pulls you closer, you moan, a grunt leaving his mouth and causing you to move your hips and pulling up closer to him. 

When you've moved far up his thighs enough that your core brushes against the hardness straining in his boxers you whimper at the contact. Your insides are burning, the pit of your stomach twisting when he wraps an arm around you steadily before turning your over to lay your head on one of the pillows, him following to steady himself over you, propping up so not to crush you, but low enough that your bodies are touching. 

You part your legs so that he falls between you, and when you wrap your legs around him, pressing up against him, a moan leaves your lips, causing the kiss to finally break and for his mouth to part from your with a low " _fuck_." 

Your eyes flutter open and you find the dark expression on his face, your chests rising quickly, and hard breathing meeting between you two. His eyes find yours as he brushes a few strands of hair away from your face. 

"I think we should stop."

"I think so too," you admit, despite your body telling you otherwise. 

Yoongi nods but he doesn't pull away, and your legs won't budge from around him. "We've got things to talk about..." he trails off as he leans down to plant kisses right by your lips, then down your cheek, and jaw, down your neck. You wiggle under his touch, enough to cause some friction between you and to elicit a moan from him and a gasp from your lips. 

Just as he pulls back from your neck, you finally unwrap your legs from around him and drag your hands down to his shoulder. 

"We should stop," you both say, earning a laugh from each other. 

Yoongi grins despite having to pull away, removing himself from on top of you to lay down beside you. 

"We'll talk in the morning, yeah?" he asks, his lips close to your temple. You nod. He leans in to plant a kiss and suddenly stands. 

"Where are you going?" 

"Er... bathroom."

" _Oh_..."

Yoongi blushes a little as he scratches the back of his neck, your own legs closing together to release some of the tension. "Umm... I don't know how I feel about knowing what you'll be doing in there... I-I don't think it will help my situation." 

Yoongi's eyes widen, his hands shaking in front of him, "No, no, I'm just going to dump some cold water from the fridge over me while in the tub to, you know..." 

"Okay, and now I'm picturing you all wet-"

" _O-Kay_! Let's stop talking!" is all he says before he slams the door behind him and you stifle the giggles that burst out after realizing he's probably remembering how you were the one who was wet not but two minutes ago. 

Rummaging through his drawers, you find some of his briefs and exchanged them for your underwear, hoping he doesn't mind and doesn't find out because that might make everything worse. You dump your underwear in your bag, where he won't see you changed them, and crawl under the blanket. When he returns, with the same clothes, except dry, and his pink hair wet, he crawls in beside you and pulls you in close. 

His hand runs smoothly down your spine, softly pushing you to press closer to him at the tingling sensation. You look up from his neck to find him staring at you. He smiles, that broad, gums-visible smile and your heart probably skips a beat at the expression, but you’re too busy staring at him to pay attention to whatever your heart is doing. Whether it’s alive or not, who knows, but at least you get to see him smiling like this. He leans down to lay his forehead on yours. 

"I..." he begins, pulling you in closer and tighter, "I'm so glad I didn't lose you." His minty breath hits your face, and you feel goosebumps run up your entire body at his words. 

Sighing, you wrap an arm around him and press your palm over his lower back, pulling him closer against you. "I'm glad I didn't lose you as well." 


	8. 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> These are all the parts I had up on my tumblr before I deleted it. I am not sure if or when I will be back to writing this story, and if I will share anymore of my work. I've lost a lot of motivation to write and share in the past few months, haven't gotten a lot of feedback, and this place was kind of the last chance for me to see if I could find it in me to conitnue the story---this was before I deactivated my tumblr account, but I don't know, I'm on break right now so I might find some moivation, but I can't promise anything. Thank you for reading <3

Namjoon had texted earlier that he, Jin, and Jimin would be bringing breakfast for everyone—in celebration of Yoongi not going to prison.  _Just normal things young friends celebrate_.

Beside you, Yoongi is sound asleep, you're glad the ding of the text from the group chat didn't wake him, as you know he would've cancelled Namjoon's plans right away. You want him to enjoy this, even if it does mean he isn't paying for a crime he did indeed commit, but he deserves to have some happiness. Even if it's just for a little while. He's gone through enough, and it's the least his deadbeat of a father should do for him.

Yoongi's arm is wrapped around you as he lays on his stomach, his face resting right next to yours on the pillow, so close his breathing hits against your cheek. With your index finger, you reach up to run the tip of the finger down his soft skin from his temple to his jawline. He stirs under your touch, a small whining noise leaving his pouty lips as he moves closer to you, his nose brushing your cheek and his arm wrapping tighter around you.

A small smile plays at your lips as you mold in comfortably to his sleeping body. This wouldn't be the first time you two hold each other while you sleep, or sleep so close to each other for that matter, but it feels different now.

You reach up to run your hand up his arm softly, careful so not to wake him. His skin is warm, and you turn to peck his contrasting cold nose by your face.

He stirs once more at the contact, and this time his eyes flutter open as he whines softly, his arm tugging you impossibly closer to him.

“Ow, Yoongi that’s tight,” you whisper when your hip digs into his own.

He breaks into a smile, that smile that shows his gums, before his face buries in your neck and causes your stomach to flip with butterflies.

“Morning,” he mumbles gruffly, his voice laden deeply with sleep, sounding scratchier than usual. His voice sends goosebumps up your skin, more than it ever did.

Now that he’s awake, you feel the change more than ever. There’s no going back, and you’re glad, you’re relieved it’s finally like this. There’s still so much to discuss, so much to deal with, but as Yoongi holds you close, his lips puckering to leave kisses along the crook of your neck, you know whatever is to come, you’ll have him next to you in a way you never did before—but you always wanted.

“Hey, sleepy heads!!!” Jin’s voice booms from downstairs.

“We have breakfast! So come down before we go upstairs!” shouts Jimin after him.

Yoongi mouths a complaint against your neck before you remove his arm from around you and sit up to pull on your jeans.

“Um... are you wearing my briefs?” Yoongi asks.

Your cheeks flush as you zip up your jeans, and when you turn to look at Yoongi, who’s still on the bed with a smirk on his face. “Maybe...”

he stands, with a determined look on his face, and you yelp when he reaches for you.

“See you downstairs!” you shout and run out of his way towards the door and the stairs, Yoongi’s laugh booming behind you making you smile like an idiot.

When you’ve reached your friends, with breakfast splayed out on the table, they all look up to give you teasing looks. You ignore them and pretend like nothing happened, sitting to eat your food. Nobody asks anything, but Jennie gives you a suspicious look when you start asking her about work.

Once Yoongi has joined, almost everyone is at home eating together.

“Where are Hoseok and Rosé?” you ask no one in particular.

“They had breakfast with her parents,” Taehyung answers with a mouthful.

You nod, then you realize there’s someone else missing. “And Jungkook?”

The room falls quiet, and everyone turns to look at Namjoon, except Yoongi who only looks over at you with a confused frown.

“He didn’t answer my texts.” He says without breaking away from his food, ignoring how everyone’s attention is on him.

“Oh,” is all you say. You didn’t know Namjoon had tried to contact him, probably the first time they’re actually talking to each other. “Did anyone else try texting him?”

“No,” practically everyone answers.

Without saying much else, you pull your phone out of your pocket and shoot him a short text, asking why he hadn’t come for breakfast. You don’t expect a quick reply—there’s a possibility he’s still sleeping.

Breakfast ends without a reply from Jungkook. You figure he may be busy working, at which you just tell yourself to forget about it and try not to think about his line of work.

The kitchen clears out, everyone heads to the living room, or leaves to run errands or work. You can hear Taehyung and Jimin fighting over the television remote as you stand to clear out your leg overs. You feel someone enter the kitchen behind you, and your body goes still as a body stand eights behind you. His hands reach up to lightly rest on your hip, making you gasp right as he leans down to rest his chin on your shoulder, pressing his warm body against you.

“Yoongi,” you whisper in warning. He only presses closer to you and you have to lean forward against the counter, forgetting you were trying to grab a water bottle.

His hot breath hits your neck, causing goosebumps to run up the back of your neck.

Laughter booms from the living room, your friends’ amusement springing rationality in you and you finally master enough courage to move away from him and reach for the bottle. Yoongi chuckles and you turn to glare at him.

“Don’t be stupid, Yoongi,” you whisper, cheeks flushing.

He only grins, the happiness radiating from him intoxicating you. How could it all suddenly be this different and have him seem so naturally okay with it?

He leans against the counter to look at you. A hand comes up to caress the back of your head before he tugs a lose hair strand behind your ear.

“At What time do you have to go to work?”

You reach for his other hand and twist his wrist to check his watch. “In about an hour, so I should go to the house to shower and get ready.”

“I’ll walk you.”

“What about work?”

He shakes his head. “I have a late shift today. A co-worker asked me if I wanted to switch and I agreed to.”

“Oh,” is all you say. You were under the notion that you’d see Yoongi after work, and talk then.

He gives you an apologetic smile, clearly seeing exactly what you were thinking.

“Monkey, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that... well, what happened yesterday was going to happen.”

You blink up at him, tilting up to kiss his cheeks chastely. “It’s okay. We can talk later.”

The walk to your house is silent for a while, with Yoongi checking his phone as he walks beside you. When his phone is in his pocket again, he reaches out to take your hand in his. Your heart flutters when your fingers intertwined, making you feel like a teenager again. How many times you wished he’d do that. You’ve held hands before, but now it’s different. There’s different connotations to the action. It means something more.

You look down at your hands, feeling Yoongi’s eyes on you. When you look up, his expression is serene, a slight smile tilting his lips just enough to let you know he knows what he’s doing.

You walk hand in hand, saying nothing until you reach the front door.

“Can I wait for you to take you to work?”

Without saying anything, you nod, and pull him inside.

Your mother is sitting on the couch, her boyfriend’s arm around her.

“Nice to see you remember you’re taking up space in my house. Might as well go live on that run-down place.”

You ignore her, pulling Yoongi towards your room and closing the door behind.

As soon as you’re inside, Yoongi pulls you in close, one hand gripping you by the waist while the other cups your jaw to tilt your head up to look at him.

Yoongi doesn’t say anything, the silent tension moves slowly as he looks between your eyes, and then your lips. Only each other’s breathing is what it’s heard, except for the faint sound of the television coming from the living room.

Leaning towards him, Yoongi doesn’t pull away, or stops you. On the contrary, he meets you the rest of the way, kissing you softly, and that just about makes your heart soar. Stumbling fingers against his chest find their way into his pink hair, pulling him impossibly closer. Your lips part, tasting his lips, wanting more. He gives you more and brushes his tongue against yours, kissing you deeply.

He starts walking you backwards until you hit the door softly, a moan leaving your lips when he pressed his hips against your own.

With a bent leg, you wrap it around his waist and pull him closer to you, causing a grunt to leave his lips. A sound so low and gravely that the pit of your stomach churns as a reply to his distress.

Yoongi pulls back, your bottom lip trapped between his lips. “Fuck,” he whispers, his eyes boring into yours, hot and deep breaths exchanging between you both. “We need to learn how to calm the fuck down.”

You can’t help but laugh between the pants, trying to regain some breathing. You scratch the hairs at the nape of his hair softly. Slowly lowering your leg, and ignoring the semi bulge pressing against you from Yoongi, you look down at his neck.

“I need to get ready, but let’s settle some things first.”

“Okay?”

When you look up, Yoongi’s eyebrows are furrowed, a little worried at your tone.

“We can’t tell anyone yet-“

“Agreed,” he says without hesitation.

You smile before continuing. “And we can’t let anything—and mean nothing—happen between us until we’ve figured more things out.”

“Definitely not until I’ve taken you out on a date.”

Your stomach flips at his words, the serious expression on his face causing you to bite down the grin threatening to break out over your face. “Okay, yes. No sex yet.”

“Unfortunately,” he adds with a smirk, but it kind of falters for a beat. You want to question him but you figure this could be a conversation for another day.

“And promise me... promise me that we’ll seriously talk about us, about what this means to us as friends, and more. That this is what you really want- a-are ready for, and when it’s safe to tell our friends.”

Yoongi nods, reaching down to rest his forehead on yours. “I promise. I’m not making you wait anymore.” His voice is low, and raspier than before with all the emotion being carried in that small statement, causing goosebumps to run up your body.

Somehow, finding the will power to do so, you kiss him quickly, then finally step away from him to go get ready for work.

* * *

 

Jungkook knows this is risky. This is probably the stupidest thing he’d ever do, but he couldn’t find any other way to approach his plan. He wants a way out of this, once and for all, and whichever way he accomplishes that it will not be a smooth ride.

He’s gathered enough evidence the past few days, Jungkook is 100% sure that Jaebum is Zeta. He followed Jaebum one night after poker night, and found him talking to Mark and Jinyoung—Zeta members—and those two were definitely following his orders. Jungkook managed to record bits of their conversation, enough to hear the authoritative voice in which Jaebum spoke to the two men.

Jungkook knocks on the door to the room inside this warehouse that is meant to be K’s right-hand man’s offices. He can hear voices inside, at least three men are with Jaebum, but he knew Jungkook would be coming at this time—he’s asked to meet with Jaebum.

The door swings open, Shownu, K’s main body guard stands on the other side. “What do you want, tick?” Tick is what most of the middleman of K’s business are called—the ones in charge of making the transactions. The higher rankings think it’s funny to calm them ticks, because they’re small and unimportant, and easily replaceable. But tick can suck blood, and drain them dry, and that’s what Jungkook is going to threaten on doing if he doesn’t get what he wants.

“I’m here to see Jaebum.”

“Is that Jungkook?” Jackson’s voice asks from inside the room.

Shownu steps aside and let’s Jungkook see into the room, where Jaebum sits on one of the two chairs on the other side of his desk, next to Jooheon. Jackson sits on Jaebum’s desk chair and Jungkook does everything to stop the smirk threatening to break over his features at the fact that it was be killing Zeta to let K sit on his chair.

“Hey, K,” Jungkook says, with a short salutation. He doesn’t understand why K likes people saluting him—maybe he finds it ironic or something.

“Haven’t seen you since poker night. Still our most valuable player, and middleman.” Jackson smiles, but it doesn’t really reach his eyes.

“Thanks,” is all Jungkook can say.

“What brings you here?”

Jungkook can see Jaebum tense up when Jackson asks the question, clearly bothered by him taking authority in his office.

“I had a meeting with Jaebum, but I can wait-“

“Oh! Nonsense! Can’t let my workers not do their work,” he says with a short laugh. “Jooheon and I were just leaving. We have work at warehouse B anyways.”

They both stand and start walking towards the door, at which Jungkook steps aside to let them leave. Jackson stops in front of Jungkook, leaving forward to grip his shoulder tightly.

“The earnings you had last week Jeon, incredible. You have to start giving out your favorite spots so we can make more profit.”

Jungkook nods, “I’d be happy to.”

Jackson laughs and smiles tightly at Jungkook before he leaves. K would love for Jungkook to give up his locations, because it would mean he could spread out workers there, making it impossible for Jungkook to make more or even the money he’s making now. It elongates him paying his debt, a debt he’s almost done paying. But now he knows exactly how to get this over with.

When all three men out of sight, Jungkook steps into Jaebum’s office and closed the door behind him.

Jaebum is comfortably back in his chair, looking less uncomfortable than he did on the other chair. But this must still be uncomfortable for him—pretending like he’s below K.

“So, to what do I owe this meeting, Jeon?” he asks as he lays back on his chair, his switchblade in hand, playing with the compartments. He does this to intimidate, Jungkook knows, but by this point it just seems pathetic to him.

Taking a seat in front of Jaebum, Jungkook clears his throat, stands with his back straight and stares at Jaebum for a beat. “I want out.”

Jaebum snorts, stopping the fiddling with his switchblade. “That’s funny.”

“I’m serious Jaebum.”

Jaebum’s amusement disappears. “And so am I kid. I can’t just let you leave, you have a fucking debt to pay to K. You wanted to save your family home, well now you gotta pay it up.”

“I’m not saying to just let me leave without paying-“

“Good, because that’d be stupid, not to mention impossible. K would kill you, so unless you have a death wish, get out of my office.” Jaebum signals with a hand, brushing Jungkook away, before he turns to the laptop on his right.

Jungkook knows his time to drag this out has drawn out.

“I know.”

“You know what?” Jaebum asks without looking away from his screen.

Jungkook rolls his eyes, then clears his throat. There’s a silence that’s spreads for a beat, the tension rises between it, and Jungkook continues to stare at Jaebum until the silence makes him turn to Jungkook. There’s a loon on Jaebum, one that suggests he has suspicion on what Jungkook is going to say but he doesn’t want to believe it.

“Look, I want out of this shit. I know I still have five thousand to pay, which means I have to bring in ten thousand. The only way for me to do this is if I’m given more locations and double the inventory. So, you provide this for me, and I could be gone in two weeks tops. You wouldn’t see me again, and I fortunately wouldn’t see any of you again.”

Jaebum’s eyes narrow, “And why the fuck would I do that? What do I get out of this, other than getting rid of you?”

“I won’t tell.”

“Won’t tell what, Jeon?” Jaebum brings down his blade forcefully on his desk, making it stab into the expensive wood. He expects Jungkook to react, but he merely stares at Jaebum.

“That you’re Zeta,” Jungkook says calmly, his tone even and steady. He blinks at Jaebum a few times, watching the way the blood drains from his face and he tries to remain calm.

“Are you fucking insane?”

“Maybe. But I have proof—video, and witness—that can prove I’m not in fact insane.” He knows saying he has witnesses is a stretch, as Y/N is his witness, and the last thing he’d want it to put her in danger. But he knows it won’t get to the point where he’d need her because Jaebum will play along, he’d be putting too much in jeopardy if he doesn’t listen to Jungkook.

“How do I know you’re not bluffing?”

Jungkook reaches into his pocket, taking out a flash drive with a copy of the video he took, and hands it over to Jaebum. “This isn’t my only copy.”

Jaebum takes it, immediately connects the memory to his computer and waits for the folder to pop up. There photos of him with Mark and Jinyoung, but the video instantly starts playing. Jungkook can’t see the video from where he stands, but he can hear it. Jaebum talking down to Mark and Jinyoung, Jinyoung calling him boss in midst of apologizing. Everyone knows Jinyoung is Zeta’s former second, as he was demoted a couple of days ago because he apparently fucked up. Zeta doesn’t kill his workers unless they royally fucked up, ask Jinyoung was safe. Jaebums eyes widen in a panic as he continues to watch the video. Finally, he breaks, immediately deleting the video, and Jungkook guesses the entire folder, the ejects the memory, and stabs it with his switchblade several times, until the drive is a pile of broke pieces on his now dented desk.

“Like I said, I have copies.”

Jaebum looks away from the memory and up at Jungkook, his eyes blaring anger. “I can just kill you.”

It’s Jungkook’s turn to snort. “Really? And risk being blamed for my death? You are the last person I’d been seen with. Not to mention I have people who—at the first sign that something has happened to me—will immediately connect you to it, and will leak the information to K directly. I wouldn’t risk it if I were you.” Jungkook’s heart is pounding, he only just realizes, but he focuses on the brash bravery he has found despite standing in front of a murderer, and a successful drug lord who could end him at any second if he found it convenient.

His palms become sweaty the more he and Jaebum glare at each other, but he fights the urge to wipe them and focuses on the strength of his glare and his hard, determined expression.

“What happens if I give you more locations and inventory?” Jaebum finally says, his tone laden with anger, his jaw tense as he stared at Jungkook.

“Then I can pay my debt, as I said, and I’d give you all the footage and information I have.”

“And you expect me to believe that?”

Jungkook nods confidently. “Yes, because you and I both have something to lose here. I want my freedom from this place, and once I have it, this information I have on you will be useless to me. It won’t matter.”

Jaebum sits back on his chair again, his switchblade back on his hand but the knife is out and pointing towards Jungkook. “How do I know you won’t say anything after you’ve gotten what you want?”

Jungkook laughs before he can stop himself, but he rolls with it and merely shakes his head at Jaebum. “You confuse me with someone who actually gives a fuck about this,” he spreads his arms out, “about any of this. I don’t. I just want out man, and I’ll do anything to get out. Once it’s happened, you’re all nothing to me. You won’t exist in my world if I pretend you don’t. You can continue to pretend like you’re not Zeta, and I’ll go back to my life, not having to worry about any of this.” His voice is steady, and Jungkook is proud he managed to speak so calmly, almost amused at Jaebum in his tone.

“What if I refuse?”

“I’ll be a tick, and dry you up, just like you’re drying Jackson. I’ll cut you at the source, because the minute K knows you’re Zeta, your link to more inventory, more people, and more locations is out. You can try to kill me, but like I said, I’m not the only who knows.”

“Let me guess, your little friends know?” Jaebum asks, leaning forward on his desk, the blade still pointing at Jungkook.

Jungkook smirks. “I wouldn’t make it that easy for you Jaebum. When I say I’ll give you the information I have, I say I’ll give you the name of the other person who knows. A person who’s willing to go work with you once I’m out—but if I’m not, and if something happens, they’ll leak, and be K’s hero. Your choice,  _Zeta_.”

Jaebum tightens his grip on the switchblade, his knuckles running white, but he keeps his facial expression calm. Then, he slowly puts the blade away, placing the switchblade down on the desk before he stands. Jaebum turns around to the stack of small duffle bags in the corner. He grabs one of them, then tosses it on the table in front of Jungkook.

“This should bring in fifteen thousand.  _Do not_ let anything happen to this bag because I won’t give you another one. You’d end up owing more money than you already do.”

Jungkook stands, and with a nod reaches for the bag’s strap, but Jaebum stops him from taking it.

“I’m going to bind up a legal contract that says you’re not allowed to divulge any of the information you know about me once you’re free from working for K and I, got it? You’re going to sign it before you pay your debt.“

Jungkook nods, willing to do anything to be out of this hell hole once and for all.

“If any of my people find out you blabbed, I’m killing you, your family, and your little friends. The contract is just a formality, but you get the point.”

Jungkook’s skin runs cold. He’d never break the promise that he’d tell once he’s free, this isn’t any of his business, but now his family and friends are in danger, and he has to make sure he’s playing this safely and smart.

“Got it,” he manages to say calmly. He grabs the bag and turns to leave.

“I’ll send you a text with the new locations. And if Jackson asks, you didn’t get more inventory from me—you scammed kids into paying double. I’m breaking my neck here giving you inventory meant for Zeta.”

 _Stolen inventory for Zeta_ , Jungkook wants to point out, but he just nods before stepping out.

Once Jungkook is out of the warehouse, he gets a text from Minhyuk.

**Minhyuk _:_** _Did you do it bro? Did you get the stuff?_

**Jungkook:** _Yeah I did. Now you have to remain quiet about what you know until I’ve paid my debt. Then I’ll tell Jaebum who you are and that you want to go work for him._

**Minhyuk:** _Fuuuck I’m so excited to be a motherfucking rich fucker._

Jungkook finds Minhyuk stupid, too stupid for this business, but he’s ambitious and that ambition can take him places. He just hopes the kid doesn’t screw this up for him.

He has other texts from his friends, including Namjoon, but he doesn’t want to get into anything where he has to pretend like everything is okay right now. He wants to go sell and starts making the money to pay off his debt. The sooner he can escape K and Zeta the better.

When nightfall comes, Jungkook sets out to one of the new locations Jaebum sent him to sell. It’s an alley behind a string of clubs downtown. He’d never been around here, but he got the feel of the place right away. A seller must have been sent out here before as people were coming into the alley looking for him. They would look a little confused when they’d spot him, but they’d buy from him either way—just here for the drugs. By the time 9pm rolled around, he’d made twice as much as he usually does, and with a smile on his face he starts walking down the alley with a smile. He’s going to take a break while the clubs start letting people in—and they all use up their supply—and he’ll be back when the drunks start stepping out looking for more.

However, that smile fades when Jinyoung and Wonho step out from one of the club back doors, covered up in black hoodies and face masks. Jungkook continues to walk, not picking up his pace but trying to remain as normal as possible even when he feels them follow him.

“You know Jeon, it looks like you sold a lot today.”

By the time Wonho starts talking, Jungkook knows he’s not getting out here without “talking” to them. He stops walking and turns to look at the two men. They’re as tall as Jungkook, but Wonho has more muscle, clearly the one who’s going to be doing the most rustling. Jungkook should’ve known he wasn’t going to get out of confronting Jaebum unscathed.

“Yah, I did alright,” he says, shoving his hands in his pockets.

Jinyoung steps to the side of Jungkook, making him turn to be able to face the both of them, his back now to the wall.

“It’s nice of Zeta, isn’t it, to have given you new locations?” Jinyoung says.

“Er, yeah.”

Wonho steps forward first, poking at Jungkook’s shoulder. “You know what else is nice of Zeta, that he let you talk to him like that without shooting your head off, right?”

“Yeah.” It’s all Jungkook can manage to say.

Jinyoung steps forward and pushes Jungkook against the wall, gripping his sweater to pin him down as Wonho steps closer.

“But he wanted us to tell you that you don’t just walk away all nice and pretty after threatening Zeta.”

Jungkook grips the fabric of his sweater, and all he hopes is that they don’t steal his earnings before the first punch comes.

One after the other, Wonho punches his eye, and his jaw. He doesn’t fight back and takes the stinging hot impact of his hands on his face. It all happens in flashes. Jungkook wants to block out as much until it’s over, so he swallows his shouts and the pain. When he hits his head on the wall after a punch, he closes his eyes and doesn’t open them again when more punches come.

Then Jinyoung starts kicking Jungkook in the stomach with his bent knee, after the third time of punching the air out of his lungs Jungkook slips to the ground in a loud groan. His whole body aches and stings, and when Wonho kicks his side, he screams out, finally taking his hands out of his pockets and going to grip his side.

He hopes his rib isn’t broken.

He looks up, a blurry two large figures are above him.

One of them kicks his legs, but not as strong as the kick to his ribs. Then they walk away, leaving him behind to grumble on the ground in pain.

Jungkook can’t stand, he knows that much. So he manages to reach for his phone in his front pocket, and call her. They haven’t been seeing each other for long, but he doesn’t want to call any of his friends and involve them. So, he dials, and hopes she doesn’t make this into a bigger deal than it is.

* * *

 

Seen as you weren’t going to see Yoongi after work today, you agreed to stay and cover for a coworker. Ji Soo had clocked out two hours ago after Taehyung picked her up, so you were alone with a waitress and two waiters you had only worked with at least once. It wasn’t awkward as you spent most of the time waitressing, but when the night came and closing time was near, an awkward lull spread through the restaurant. There is only a couple still here eating dinner, unfortunately they’re your table, so the manager turns to the other workers and tells them they may clock out now.

A sigh of relief is felt through your whole body when the couple turn to ask for the check. When your return to the cash register the cook on the other side of the window between the bar and the kitchen gives you a huge grin—happy she gets to finally go home.

When you return to the couple with their change, you hear the door ding open and you almost groan out loud. Instead, you turn to say, “I’m sorry, we’re closing in fi-“

Yoongi stands by the door, his hands tucked inside his jean jacket, a side smirk on his face.

Your stomach flutter and you can’t help the grin on your face. You don’t even notice when the couple steps out as you continue to look at Yoongi.

“Can you leave now?”

Nodding, you finally look away from him and turn towards the break room to get your stuff.

“Who’s the guy out there?” the manager asks when you step in.

“Oh, he’s my... boyfriend,” you say, ignoring the flutter in your stomach that goes off at calling him that. “I’m just getting my stuff. All the tables are clean, I just have to wipe off the table of the last customers.”

“Alright, have a nice night!” he calls off after you when you run out.

Quickly, you wipe the table, then shout a goodnight to the cook who’s already cleaning her station, and pull Yoongi outside.

“You didn’t answer your phone, so I figured you stayed until closing time.”

You nod as the both of you walk down the street to the bus stop, Yoongi’s arm draping over your shoulders. You look up to give him a smile before wrapping an arm around his waist and tangling your fingers with his on the hand draping over your shoulder.

Yoongi’s face leans down, his nose brushes against your cheek making your skin tingle. But you lean into the touch and let his lips brush lightly over your skin.

“Do you want to eat something?” he whispers quietly, his hot breath hitting your cheek.

“Uh... no,” you say a little disoriented by his proximity. “I mean, it’s eleven, everything is closed?”

“We could go to a gas station and grab snacks?”

“Okay!”

By the time you reach home, you have a bag full of snacks. The bus ride went quiet, with Yoongi’s hands constantly touching yours, or your face—he kept claiming you had things on your face.

Almost everyone is here—except for Jungkook—but you easily avoid them and step upstairs with mild interruption for conversation from your friends. It’s seems they don’t notice he both of you leaving as they’re all spread out in different rooms.

When you step into Yoongi’s room, you quickly take off your shoes and dump your bag and apron on his dresser. Yoongi flips the plastic bag over the bed and lets all the snacks fall over. He pulls out his phone and plays some music.

“You don’t want to watch something on my phone?” you ask as you take a seat beside him on the bed.

“Nah, I just want to eat and hold you,” he says before he pulls you close by the wrist.

Your stomach flips and you smile at him.

You watch him eat a few cookies, and he realizes you’re staring.

“What’s up?”

“You haven’t really said anything... what are you thinking?” you ask. You reach for a bag of chips and turn to sit facing his profile.

Yoongi puts the package of cookies down, takes a deep sigh and turns the volume down on the rap song blaring through the speakers of his phone.

“I don’t know... I mean. I’ve got stuff to figure out about where I’m going to live and stuff. About getting signed. About a lot of things,” he admits quietly, then turns to take one of your hands and bring it up to his lips, “but I’m glad I have you, like  _this_.” His eyes find yours, and in the dim light of the room you watch as his lips pepper kisses on the back of your hand, his fingers spread over your palm until they fall in the space between your fingers.

You want to agree, but you find you’ve lost your voice, so you just bite over your bottom lip and blink several times at him. You’ve never seen Yoongi be so soft and gentle, and it’s making your heart beat a little faster.

“I can figure all that out with you, right?”

“Yeah,” you whisper.

“And about us...”

“Yes?”

He rests your intertwined hands on his leg and reaches to cup your face with his other hand. His eyes look between yours, reading your face to make sure he has all of your attention—which he undoubtedly does.

“We’ll be fine. I won’t let anything screw this up, I promise.”

You lean forward, nervous that he might pull away, but he doesn’t. He leans toward you, and the way your lips meet softly is something you’ll never get tired of.

He doesn’t try to deepen the kiss, and neither do you, but the kiss is soft and slow, lasts so long. Every time your lips brush you move closer to him, until he grips you by the waist and moves you to sit between his parted thighs, your legs wrapping around him. Your hands find their way around his neck pulling him closer. You know you can’t deepen the kiss as it might lead to something else, but when you lean back to catch your breath, you stick out the tip of your tongue and taste his lips. He moans and parts his mouth, immediately letting you taste the chocolate on his tongue. He pulls you closer, pressing your body against his, you can feel his hips start moving and that’s when you stop, pull away and press your palms on his chest.

“Let’s stop,” you say with a giggle, at which Yoongi grins that gummy smile and you look away from him, leaning your forehead on his chin.

His hands run warmly and soothingly up your back. The heat of his palm makes you lean closer against him.

When you’ve caught your breath, Yoongi’s own steady breath now back, you sit up to look at him.

You remember he mentioned about where he’d live earlier, and you can’t help but remember what your sister had asked. “Hey, about a place for you to live... Ji Soo wants to move out, and I’m willing to move out once we’ve made enough money for school—in case our grandmother doesn’t help us anymore—and she asked Taehyung to be a roommate.”

“Her boyfriend is her roommate?”

You grin. “Yes, I know, it sounds silly but, it’d be cheaper. Jin agreed to move with us too—he wants to leave his parents’ house.”

“Oh, well that’s cool,” Yoongi says with his eyes narrowed. “Babe, what are you getting at?”

A grin spreads over your lips at the nickname, Yoongi catches it and his cheeks flush, but you decide not to tease him and get to the point. “She told me to ask if you wanted to be a roommate? We found a place online with three rooms and one with two. We’re thinking of getting someone else—Jennie expressed interest—but these are the two places we’re looking at. You’d have a cheap place to live in. You wouldn’t be alone, as I think you’d ideally prefer, but it’s something,” you suggest, the last statement coming off more like a question.

Yoongi smiles for a beat, that is before his face molds into a slight frown. He tilts his head as he reads over your face. 

“What is it?”

He hums, looks at your lips then back at your eyes before speaking. “Why don’t we just move in together alone?”

“What?!” you practically shout. “Are you crazy?”

“No,” he says with a chuckle.

“Yoongi! We  _just_  started dating-“

“I know, but we’re already so close, and we would eventually get there-“

“Yeah!  _Eventually_  Yoongi, not right now!”

Before Yoongi can answer, loud footsteps are head coming towards the room, then Namjoon’s voice booming. “Yoongi! Y/N!”

You both jump, immediately going for your shoes and start slipping them on when Namjoon barges in.

“What happened?” Yoongi asks a panicked Namjoon.

“It’s Jungkook, he’s in the hospital.

You only have time to be in shock and scared for five seconds before everyone is running outside to different cars. Anxiety starts to creep in, but you try to keep it down, focusing on your breathing during the drive to the hospital and not Jungkook’s state.

All Namjoon said was that he was okay, but that they didn’t tell him much.

When you arrive at the hospital, all ten of you aren’t allowed to see him at the same time, so you have to take turns. You go in with Namjoon, Yoongi and Jennie first. Jennie gasps and grips your hand when you step in and see him lying on the bed, all bruised up and bandaged. He has an eye covered, clearly shut form the swelling after being punched, he’s got scratches on the side of his face, and his shirt is off to expose a bandage around his waist.

“What the fuck happened to him?” Yoongi asks in a low voice.

The director, who’s stands by the door clears his throat. “We don’t know. He didn’t want to say what really happened. He kept claiming he fell by accident-“

“Bullshit,” Jennie cuts in but the doctor ignores her comment.

“and the girl who brought him claimed she didn’t know.”

“The girl?” Namjoon asks.

“Hu?” The quiet grunt comes from Jungkook’s direction and you all turn to look at him as his eye opens, quickly everyone huddling around him.

“Yes, a girl brought him,” the doctor continues. “Three of his ribs are bruised but not broken. He has several scratches and bruises, especially on his left eye—it’s swollen shut. It will come down in a few weeks. He’ll be fine.”

“What the fuck happened to you?” Jennie asks in a quiet voice, reaching for his hand that rests over the blanket.

He looks over all of you, his hand grips Jennie’s and he tries to sit up but Namjoon tells him not to, softly placing a hand on his shoulder. Jungkook has to turn his whole face to look at him through his right eye.

Your heart twists at the look of your friend on the hospital bed. Your eyes get full of tears, so you look away and turn to look at Yoongi. His eyebrows are furrowed, his lips parted as he looks worryingly as his brother.

“Guys,” Jungkook whispers, “I’m fine.”

“My fucking ass you are Jeon,” Yoongi says slapping his foot as he stands above them.

“What girl brought you in, do you know her?”

He nods. “We’ve been... seeing each other.”

“What happened?” you finally say, your voice cracking a bit.

“Nothing.”

“Jungkook, please...” Jennie insists.

“Please... please tell me it wasn’t because of what I told you?” you ask. Jungkook looks at you and stays quiet.

His silence makes your stomach flip uncomfortably, and you lean down to grip his wrist. “Jungkook, what the hell have you done?”

He swallows hard and looks away from you. “I have no idea.”


	9. 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: sexual language/implied smut, explicit violence
> 
> also I did not really edit this but I don't think I can go back to read through this again right now because ~ reasons ~ ... you'll know when you get to it...
> 
> I know it's been a while, but thank you for reading <3

Jungkook knows he’ll be scolded by his brothers for what he’s about to do. A scolding is probably the lightest reaction they could have. However, he has to put aside the parts of himself that hates disappointing them—all of his friends, not just the guys, because he’d hate to think what the girls would do were they to find out he was going back to work a day after being released from the hospital. Jisoo and Rose would probably cry and beg him to stop altogether, Jennie would (and probably will once she finds out) not talk to him for a week, and Y/N… he doesn’t really know what she would do at this point, she’s so angry with him she refuses to talk to him aside from asking him if he feels physically okay. At least she still cares about his wellbeing, but Jungkook can see through her worry and avoidance how upset she is that he opened his mouth about Jackson.

He won’t say anything though, not yet anyways. He knows Namjoon will be the most disappointed, and he only just recently started talking to him like before. Jimin and Hoseok continue to try and moralize with him, but they don’t understand that he has to sell everything if he really wants to escape sooner than originally planned, and alive. Jin is too worried about him to share this with him. The only ones he could possibly tell that might understand are Taehyung and Yoongi, but Jungkook doesn’t want to ruin their happiness. He can see how Taehyung is finally enjoying his life, and Yoongi has been acting different since he and Y/N finally made up. Their friendship seems to be back to normal, and he doesn’t want to burst his best friend’s bubbles.

The only person he can tell is Soul, and although she’s not too happy about it, she doesn’t question him or try to change his mind. They have boundaries, and he likes that between them because he feels like he can be more honest with her than with anyone else, at least for now.

As he makes his way across the street, towards the strip of night clubs, his phone vibrates in his pocket.

Soul: Be careful Jungkookie, please. [10:13]

Jungkook stares at the message for longer than he should and tries to ignore the pang in his chest. He can tell she cares, and she tries to hide it but fails every time. It was just sex for him, a distraction from his heartache, and now… all he knows is that she deserves better than someone who may still be hung up on his ex.

He shoves the phone in his pocket and pulls over the hood of his sweatshirt.

I will.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  


“I told you, we’re not discussing that anymore!” you insist to Yoongi as you take your plate over to the sink. You can hear him grumbling something and you turn to raise an eyebrow at him, giving him an expectant look. When he notices he quickly stops mumbling and finishes off the last bite of his sandwich. “You were saying?”

“Nuthin…” he trails off with a mouth full of food. He tries to give you a sheepish grin but the food in his mouth only allows an awkward smile and you can’t help but snort at the stupid look on his face.

You turn away to wash your dishes, leaving him to continue mumbling how he doesn’t see the point in waiting to move in together. Because he’s being ridiculous, you know that. He’s being irrational yet again. Relationship Yoongi is almost as hard to keep up with as best friend Yoongi, except this version includes kissing and that only knocks you off balance.

The screech from Yoongi’s chair being dragged takes you from your thoughts and brings you back to drying your dishes and placing them in the cupboard. You feel Yoongi’s hand press on the lower part of your back, his palm soft, yet firm against the fabric of your thin shirt. It feels as if that touch alone makes its way up your back in a spark of heat. You sigh at the soothing feeling, but you step aside breaking the contact so he can wash is plate.

“I’m just saying, babe,” Yoongi says, shrugging his shoulders, “it wouldn’t be the craziest thing, we’re clearly unconventional, we don’t have to go by the book,” he argues.

Rolling your eyes, you lean in close to him, leaning over his shoulder to whisper, “If you think I’d move in with you before you have even taken me on a date, then you don’t know me at all Min Yoongi, so we really shouldn’t be moving in.” You give him a grin when he glares down at you.

He tries to lean down to give you a kiss, the pretense anger still on his face, but you sneak away and leave him sighing.

“After tonight then?” Yoongi asks when you step out of the room minutes later with your bag over the shoulder, ready to head to work.

“After tonight what?”

“We move in?”

You sigh, almost laughing, and reach for your phone to check the bus times. “You’re really annoying you know that?”

You feel rather than see him walk up to you, his hands immediately going for your shoulders to get your attention. “I’m saying,” he begins to say in a soft voice that makes you almost melt into him once you’ve looked up and found his eyes looking at you. His expression is gentle but serious. “I want us to go on a date tonight.”

You blink up at him for a second, registering his words and trying to figure out his true angle. “You’re just doing that because you think I’ll move in with you tomorrow if we go out tonight.”

Yoongi tries to hide his smirk. “I’m not, I promise. I know you, and I know you won’t move in with me right away. But I’m serious, we should go out tonight.”

You narrow your eyes at him. “Where would we go?”

“Petra’s.”

“You need a reservation for that.”

He doesn’t hide his smirk now. He moves his hands away from you to shove them inside the pockets of his sweater. “Yeah, we have one at 7:30.”

Your eyes go wide and your stomach just about flips. “What? What do you mean-“

“I made a reservation four days ago.”

“You asshole!” You smack his arm and move past him as he laughs. “Gosh, you’re really the worst!”

“What, why?!” he shouts after you, his voice mid-laugh.

“Making me think you’re doing this as a pathetic attempt to make me move in with you!”

He laughs so loud, you turn to glare at him over your shoulder. You flip him off but he only laughs louder.

“Come on! Don’t be mad!”

“Ugh, whatever Yoongi! I’ll see you later,” you say, trying your best to hide the smile that breaks over your features at seeing him this amused, his laugh making your stomach flutter.

“I still want us to move in!” he shouts right before the door closes behind you, making you shake your head at him.

He’s insufferable.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  


You have no idea what to wear. You’ve never been great at dressing for fancy dates, probably because you haven’t been on many. Jaebum would take you out a lot, but he liked you wearing short and revealing outfits that were never very comfortable but you wore because you liked to please him. Jungkook never really took you out like that, mainly because you wouldn’t want to.

But with Yoongi, you know you could wear jeans and a shirt and he wouldn’t care as long as he’s with you. Still, you have to wear something nice, especially since he’s taking you to the fanciest restaurant in town.

Finally, you pick out an off-the-shoulders floral jumpsuit. The print is white with a soft deep grey background—subtle but still comfortable. It used to be Jisoo’s until she lost weight and it fit her two sizes too big, and you’d never really worn it except when you had tried it on the first time. You put on the black loafers your thrifted a while back with Rosé, put on some light makeup and pull half your hair up and tie it loosely on the back. Once you’re ready, you put your phone and small wallet in your pocket and step out.

Jisoo and Taehyung are eating dinner in the kitchen, enjoying the emptiness of the house while your mom is at work.

“Whoa!” Taehyung says, his spoon midway to his mouth.

“You look so pretty!” Jisoo says, grinning and squirming in her seat before running up to you.

You broke your own rule and told them that you were going out with Yoongi without really saying it was a date, but you knew they’d figure it out once they saw you in the outfit.

“He’s gonna fucking lose it,” Taehyung says, smirking.

Jisoo squeezes your arms and does a little jump. “Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! Your first date with him! About damn time!”

You’re grinning too, because you can’t help hiding your excitement anymore. Telling them turns out in your favor because having other people be as excited as you makes it all the more special.

“I know, but I have to go, he’s waiting outside.”

“Oh shit, go! Go and have so much fun and be gooey and romantic together, ahh!”

You snort but flush at your sister’s words because you hope that happens too.

When the door opens, Yoongi is standing by the wall, and when he turns, his mouth falls partly open and his eyes widen.

You smile up at him as you step next to him and reach for his hand. “Hi.”

“H-hey… I- uh… you look beautiful,” he whispers, his eyes looking over your face.

You smile at him, flushing a little. His eyes move up to your eyes and the look on them makes you shudder, like a bolt up your back the way it feels when he touches you. Finally, you take your eyes away from his deep look and take in his outfit. He’s wearing a soft pink dress shirt with a maroon tie that has a vintage print. He’s wearing black jeans and the loafers you’d thrifted for him the same day you found yours. You grin at both your feet.

Yoongi chuckles as he noticed too and he tightens his grip on your hand. When you look up at him, his eyes shining, he leans down to kiss the corner of your cheek.

“Come on, let’s go. I’m sorry we have to go in an Uber.”

You shake your head in reassurance, “It’s totally fine. I would’ve been happy taking the bus.”

Yoongi rolls his eyes, “You’re too understanding sometimes.”

You slap his arm but lean up to kiss his cheek. “I’d be happy walking there, I don’t care as long as I’m with you.”

He gives you that gummy smile of his, making your stomach flutter, and you grin at the flush that creeps up his cheeks.

The ride to the restaurant is quiet with the Uber driver right there, at earshot, but Yoongi holds your hand the entire ride, occasionally giving you a small smile.

You barely have time to take in the restaurant when you walk in as its filled with people trying to see if they can take over reservations that were missed, or trying to get a seat at the bar to wait up to an hour for the possibility of a big enough table for their party. Yoongi pulls you quickly to the hostess. He gives his name and the woman smiles at you both, grabs two menus and guides you over to a table at a quiet corner.

The tables are separated from each other at comfortable distances, conversations happen in hushed tones so the restaurant is peaceful with an even volume of whispers that never seem to overpower each other. There’s a bouquet of glass flower lamps that hang above the table, the light emitting from them is warm and soft.

Yoongi pulls one of the chairs for you to sit, then sits across from you. The host leaves the menus and charmingly says the waitress will be by in a few minutes to take your drink orders.

You look down at the menu and it’s almost impossible not to look at the prices. Every dish is at least over 15 dollars, and at most forty. Your gaze moves nervously to Yoongi who is already looking at you. The warm lighting falls over his features softly, making his hair look a dark pink, and his skin smooth in shadows. The side of his lips quirks up.

“Don’t worry about it. I’ve saved up for this.”

But it’s so much money. And he doesn’t even have a place to live.

Yoongi can see that in your expression because his hand moves across the table to take yours in it and squeeze it gently.

“I know, but I promise it’s okay. Get whatever you want. Don’t you dare order a salad. I know you love them, but not today,” he says, his soft smile appearing. The look on his face is so loving, so warm, your chest just about implodes with the overwhelming feeling that washes over you. This warmth that fills up in your heart and makes it fluttering effect in your overlapping emotions.

“Okay,” you manage to whisper.

When the waitress appears, you’re both ready to order. Yoongi orders lasagna while you order a ravioli. He tries to get you to order wine but you decline, insisting on water, so he takes the same. You feel shameful for ordering the dish as it was one of the most expensive pastas they had but it was the only one that was appealing to you.

Yoongi might’ve said to order whatever you wanted but he also went with pasta, the section of the menu with the most reasonable priced items—and reasonable is said lightly.

“I don’t like how far away you are,” Yoongi mutters as he looks around the restaurant checking the tables. You try to look with him but you’re unsure of what he’s looking. Possibly the waitress or hostess to find a better place to sit?

“I don’t think she’s around here.”

Yoongi blinks at you in confusion, “Oh no, I’m not looking for her. I’m trying to see if I’m going to be the weird one in the restaurant moving to the side to be closer to my girlfriend, but there’s a couple in the corner over there. The guy moved to the side to be next to his boyfriend.”

You follow his gaze and find the couple he’s referring to. They’re holding hands and talking intimately over their empty plates, smiles and love on their faces. You smile and look away, not wanting to intrude in their privacy. You wouldn’t want people staring at you either.

Yoongi is already moving to sit next to you when the waitress appears with the waters and a plate of chocolate drizzled biscotti.

“Sorry about the separation Sir, we would have been happy to accommodate your table as you pleased?” she says warmly as she rearranges the table settings.

Yoongi flushes a little, embarrassed he was caught, “Oh, no, it’s fine. I had no idea I’d be that far away from her, otherwise I would have asked before hand. Sorry for the inconvenience.”

The waitress only smiles at him, “Oh no need to apologize, it’s no inconvenience at all, we’re here to help you have an appetizing dinner and comfortable ambiance. Please enjoy the biscotti while the chef prepares your dinner.”

When she’s gone, Yoongi leans in and takes your hand in his, “I’m gonna have to give a good tip,” he says with a smirk.

“Let me handle that,” you say, unable still to shake the feeling that you’re making Yoongi spend too much money just so you two can have this fancy first date experience.

His smile falters and he frowns at your expression. “Please, Y/N, don’t worry about the money. I’ll be fine. I wanted us to come here.”

“I know,” you say shamefully.

“You think I don’t know you’d be happy getting snacks from the gas station liquor and just hanging out in your room? I know you, I’ve know you my entire life-“

“I know.” Your voice gets lower the more shameful you feel. Why do you have to try and sabotage something good.

Yoongi looks upset and borderline irritated with your worrying.

“Then you should know that this is a long time coming, and I want us to have a great experience. To forget about our troubles for an hour or two, to allow ourselves to eat good food and not have to worry about the price, and not have to worry about leaving half the plate to eat tomorrow for dinner. I want us to eat those biscotti instead of saving them to take them home. I want to spend time with you outside of your room, and outside of home, where we both have to look presentable and can experience what our life will be like, because this will be our lives, okay? It will.”

His words fill you with this heaviness in your chest, the type that rolls up your throat and prickles at your eyes. You know exactly where he’s coming from, and you can’t help but agree with him

You grip his hand tightly. His other hand softly runs along the back of your hand, finger tips brushing along your wrist. You look up from where your hands are holding each other and find Yoongi looking at you, the side of his lip quirking. With your other hand, you reach up to brush some of the fading pink hair from his eyes. Yoongi moves his head to lean into your hand and kisses the back of your wrist.

He opens his mouth to say something, but that’s when the food appears and you’re both distracted by the mouthwatering flavors that invade your nose. You’re both silent as you eat, too busy with cheese, tomato, and all the spices that make the dishes delicious melting in your mouth.

When the plates are empty, all the biscotti gone, you sit back in your chair and sigh, fighting back the burp moving up your throat. You look up to find Yoongi doing the same, hand on his stomach and cheeks full as he too tries to fight a burp.

“I don’t think I’ve ever eaten this much. That plate was big enough for two people!” you say, laughing softly.

Yoongi laughs too and nods, “Totally worth it though. Want a dessert?”

“Gosh, no. I don’t think I can handle that. I’m gonna go to the bathroom, and then we should go?”

He nods before looking around for the waitress. “Want to walk to your place?”

“That’ll be nice!” It’s about a thirty minute walk and you really don’t mind, plus you get to talk with Yoongi and make up for not talking while eating.

Once the check is paid, you leave a ten dollar tip, feeling like you should give more but Yoongi grabs your hand and pulls you out of the restaurant before you can do that, thanking the hostess on the way out.

The air outside is cool, like the countless of familiar fresh summer nights you’ve spent out with your friends, so you can’t help but smile at the flush of memories. Last summer amazing, and now that you’re with Yoongi, this summer will be even better. You realize neither you nor Yoongi brought any sort of jacket but it seems there’s no need.

It’s dark out but the city lights overshadow most of the stars. Luckily, in the outskirts of the town, in your neighborhood, you’re able to see a few more.

You’re walking ahead of Yoongi, getting lost in the scenery of the neighborhood, but as you turn the corner and meet the edge of the familiar park, Yoongi catches up with you and takes your hand in his, fitting his fingers between yours. When you look up at him he’s staring out in the direction of the monkey bars and you feel your chest swell with nostalgia and something you can’t quite place.

The monkey bars back then we’re brand new, now they’re dingy and stained. One of the latter pieces was broken so the shorter kids can’t reach all the way up. You didn’t need the top latter by the time you met Yoongi, but he’d use it at first out of fear, crouching before he’d let himself hang.

You squeeze his hand and bring his palm up towards your mouth, running your lips over his knuckles.

Yoongi leans down and brushes his nose along your cheekbone, causing your eyes to flutter and your pace you slow.

“I’m sorry I took so long,” he whispers and your heart constricts in your chest.

You give out a shaky sigh before saying “I could’ve said something sooner.”

“Hmm,” he says, leaning closer with his lips on your skin. “My stubbornness would’ve probably broken your heart sooner because I was an idiot.”

You lean away and look up to find the soft look on his face. “Well, at least you’re not an idiot now.”

“That I am not,” he says with a wink. He pulls you in close and leans down to kiss your cheek, then you both pick up the pace and continue walking towards your place.

Inside your room, it suddenly becomes awkward for the first time ever with Yoongi. He sits on your bed, wide eyed looking at you as you stand next to the dresser after you’ve removed your earrings.

The silence is thick and intense. So loud you want to say anything just to silence it.

You bite your lip and walk over to sit next to him. You look up at him to find he’s also biting his lip, looking down at you with a soft frown.

“What’s wrong?” You whisper.

Yoongi shakes his head. “Nothing.”

“There’s something wrong though… a while ago, when we’d talked about waiting to have sex you’d made a face… like you were worried about it, or didn’t want it to happen.”

“No, no,” Yoongi begins, twisting towards you and reaches for your hands, “it’s not that I don’t want this to happen, if course I do baby, I-I’m just afraid.”

His dark eyes shine in the dimness of your room. You reach up to cup his face and lean closer to him. “Afraid of what?”

His Adam’s apple moves up and down as he swallows deeply. “What if… it isn’t good between us. What if it’s awkward and we fuck this up. What if we find we’re not compatible in this aspect of our relationship and then we end up break-“

“Yoon… no,” you say softly, giving him a small smile as you cup his face and let his hands fall on your thighs. “It’ll be okay. We want this. We’ve waited. There’s chemistry between us, you know this. How many times has there been tension that we had to stop. How many times we almost kissed, and after we got together how many times we almost got carried away. I know it’s easy to be scared of what could happen, we’ve been best friends for so long. I don’t want to lose you-“

“I don’t want to lose you either.”

“Then there’s nothing you have to worry about. If it’s awkward we’ll just keep trying.”

Yoongi laughs softly, molding the mood into a more comfortable and lighter atmosphere, and switching the awkward tension just by the stomach fluttering sound of his deep laugh.

“Plus, it doesn’t have to happen tonight. Yes, we had our date, but we don’t have to rush into it right away.”

Yoongi finds your eyes and nods softly. “I know.”

He stretches his palms atop your thighs and moves along them until he reaches your hips and stops touching you, only to cup your face.

“We don’t have to rush anything,” he whispers before leaning over to kiss you.

Yours eyes flutter close as his soft lips fit themselves perfectly between yours. Yoongi hums as his lips start moving, probably tasting the flavor of the lip balm on your lips you know he loves. He kisses you slowly and softly, his lips moving to alternate between kissing your upper or lower lip.

His fingers brush your skin as he continues to kiss you, the touches making your skin tingle and melt with his movements and tenderness. He’s never kissed you this beautifully.

Your hands reach around him to run through his hair and pull him closer. At that, his tongue finally presses against your bottom lip to taste, and part your lips for him.

As he kissed you deeper your stomach churns, and you pull him closer until you’re laying back down on the bed with him pressed flushed on top of you.

The kissing continues but your hands and his start to move. You move to loosen his tie as he runs his hand along your side, gripping at your lower side, his hand burning through the semi-thin fabric of your jumper.

A fucking one-piece? Curse past you who thought this outfit was smart.

You start unbuttoning his shirt so Yoongi parts the kiss long enough so that he can take off his tie and toss the shirt on the floor, not giving you time to look at him before he’s feverly kissing you again. But he only kisses you for a few seconds on he lips because his mouth starts to roam down along your jaw, down to your neck, until he reaches the base of your neck and starts to nibble, causing moans to leave your lips. His twists his hands under you and finds the zipper of your outfit.

After some struggle, and some bursts of laughter at the sheer ridiculousness of the piece you chose to wear, the outfit is gone, and Yoongi’s grin fades as he starts to look at you, flushed under him with nothing but underwear separating you both. His fingers brush lightly along your neck and you shiver at the soft touch, a bolt waking your body as it travels through your spine down to your toes. The dark, look on his face as he studies you makes the pit of your stomach burn.

You reach out with a tentative hand towards his chest, touching the moles you find up his body until mirror the touch he gave you on his neck, bringing his attention towards you. He looks at you with so much intensity that the silence of the night is silenced by the loudness of the look. Of everything he is saying and more.

“You have forever to look at me,” you whisper as you cup his jaw.

“I know,” he says, his voice low and raspy.

“Come here then.”

His face changes, from this soft intense look, to a slow smirk as he leans down and kisses you, more feverish than before, like he’s unafraid now, and knows nothing will change for the worse.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  


You wake to the sound of the tv downstairs, clearly the alarm alluding to your friends arriving at home. You know they never come up to bother Yoongi while he sleeps so you’re not to worried about them coming upstairs, but it still annoys you nonetheless. You could use more sleep after last night.

Yoongi stirs beside you, his arm still draped over your naked body. His eyes flutter open and he smiles when you turn to brush your nose against his.

“Morning baby.”

“Mornin’” he mumbles in his usual sleep-laden tone, a voice you’ll never get tired of hearing. He leans forward and plants a kiss on the side of your mouth.

“They’re here, should we go downstairs?”

He shakes his head, humming. “Nope.”

You know what he wants, and it’s not the first time this happened. Since the first time with Yoongi a couple of weeks ago, you’ve learned a whole new side of him—as he has learned a whole new side of you. You’re still learning each other and your tastes, but there are things you know he likes and doesn’t like now. One particular thing you both enjoy is lazy morning sex. You enjoy the intimacy that early in the morning, there’s something about being win Yoongi like that early on in the day makes it feel like you could go the whole day without seeing each other and it’ll be okay because you already spent the morning together. Even if it wasn’t sex, you’d want to be next to him, but you have to admit sex with him is pretty damn amazing no matter how lazy or active it is.

He pulls on your hip, signaling for him to straddle him under the covers, so you lazily move, muscles aching from last night and little sleep. You groan as you move, but smile down at Yoongi when you find him looking up at you, face puffy and happy.

Yoongi smirks, “If we moved in together, you’d have this every morning you know.”

You roll your eyes. His constant pestering about moving in is not as amazing. “Shut up Yoongi, I told you. Two more months and we can talk about it.” You lean your forearms in his chest and lean down towards him, face just above his.

Yoongi pouts and kisses your nose. “Why won’t you move in with me, I just want you with me all the time.” He grips your sides, his fingers drumming your skin as his palm burns into it.

“That’s what you say now, but wait until we’re actually living together.”

His amused expression falls and he looks at you, head tilted. “We’ve been around each other for over a decade. You sleep here all the time, or I spend the night in your room, it won’t be much of a difference. I know we’d have to make adult things together, like pay rent and groceries, and fight about things couples fight about, but it’d be with you and I know it will all be okay. And at the end of the day I’ll still look forward to sleeping next to you.”

Your heart swells. You feel the tears prickle at your eyes and you have to move from being on top of him to lay back down beside him.

You don’t know why you’re so scared when he’s so prepared to move in together. There’s something holding you back from living with him. Everything he says sounds right and perfect, and deep down you know it wouldn’t make much of a difference were you to move in with him tonight or three months from now. But something inside you is saying “not yet” and you can’t quite place what it is.

Yoongi turns on his side, this time moving to hover above you. He cups your face, and with his thumb wipes at the one tear that you’re unable to hold back.

“Baby, what’s wrong? What did I say? Why are you crying?”

You shrug. “I honestly don’t know why I can’t say yes to moving in, but I just can’t. I’ve been trying to figure out what’s holding me back but haven’t been able to.”

He frowns, eyes searching your face like he’ll find the answer for you if he can. “Okay… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be pressuring you, I was trying to be light with the situation, but I know I’ve been coming off strong about it.”

You nod. You cup his face and pull him down to kiss you. “It’s okay,” you mumble against his lips, “I’ll get there.”

“I know, I just,” he stops kissing you and leans back, dark eyes searching again. “I want the girl I’ve loved my entire life with me in the closest way possible. You’re everything to me, you are… you are my future, and everything we thought we might miss out on because of all the mistakes I’ve made, I want to do them and experience them with you.”

Something chokes up in your throat and you feel your heart swell in your chest. The tears are prickling at your eyes again but you can still see him, clear as the morning light coming through the glass-less window of the run-down house you’ve called home for years. His now blond hair, his dark eyes, the bags under them from the nights he stays up working on his music, the puffy cheeks, the full lips swollen from kissing you. He’s your best friend.

“T-that’s the first time you’ve said it.”

Yoongi frowns. “Said what?”

“That you love me…”

His eyes widen, “Fuck, Y/N, yeah but, I mean, you knew this didn’t you? You know I do.” He leans his forehead down on top of yours and you let out a sob.

“I did know I just… I don’t know, I guess I was waiting for you to finally say it out loud and not just allude to it because now I can’t even,” you take a shaky breath and reach over to wrap your arms around him, “I can’t even stop crying. After you said it, it was like something clicked inside me. I love you Yoongi, I love you so much and I honestly didn’t think I’d ever- I don’t know what I thought. I know you love me but hearing you say it was what I needed I think.”

Yoongi kisses you, you feel the wetness on his cheeks as he mumbles an apology for keeping you waiting. “I love you, Monkey, I love you so much.”

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  


When you finally make it downstairs and tear through the food left by your friends, Yoongi finds it hard to keep his hands to himself. You’re trying to get a water bottle and he keeps digging his fingers into the skin by your hip, pressing himself against you with his face hurried in your neck.

“Yoon,” you insist, laughing a bit at his clinginess, “come on, stop it.”

“Hmmmm,” he hums, whining against your skin, his lips pecking kisses. You squirm under his touch and try to push him away. He plants a sloppy kiss on your jaw but pulls back and looks down at you, his expression soft with a loving smile on.

“So, are we gonna start looking for an apartment?” he asks, his tone careful but the smile still on.

He had asked you again, in the middle of sex as he would, and of course you said yes.

“What happened to not pressuring me?”

He pulls you by the hips closer to him. “I know but… I thought maybe after what happened, what was holding you back was me saying I love you.”

You shrug. “I think that was part of it. I definitely felt some kind of reassurance.”

“What do you think it is then?”

You hear the voices of your friends in the living room, laughing and shouting at each other over the television.

You look up at Yoongi and run your hands up his arm to grip his shoulders.

“I think I want to wait until we tell them.”

“Ahh,” Yoongi says with a sigh. He leans down to plant a kiss on your forehead. “We’ll wait for the right time. Right now everyone is barely cooling down from being angry with Jungkook for not telling us he went back to selling so quickly.”

“Maybe we should wait until he’s done. He said he was almost done paying his debt and he’d be free.”

Yoongi nods before kissing your nose, then either one of your cheeks, peckering your face with kisses and making you giggle.

“Oh my gosh!!!” Jimin’s shout startles you both to jump back.

You stare wide eyed at the excited look on Jimin’s face. “Oh gosh…”

Namjoon, Jennie, and Taehyung appear behind him, concerned expression scanning the room.

“What’s going on?” Namjoon asks.

“They were kissing!”

“Who was kissing?!” Jisoo’s voice sounds from the living room.

“Y/N and Yoongi apparently,” Taehyung says with a smug look on his face.

“Fucking hell,” you hear Yoongi mutter under his breath.

Jimin starts walking over towards you, his fingers pointing between you and Yoongi. “How long you little shits! And when we’re you gonna tell us?!”

“Soon!”

“Yeah right,” Jennie says, narrowing her eyes at you. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell us.”

“Jen, I’m sorry, we wanted to wait-“

“Until when?!” Jimin is practically shouting in your face so step forward and push him.

“Stop screaming oh my gosh! And we were gonna wait until the right time. When things cooled down with Jungkook.”

You start walking over to the living room, Yoongi, and everyone else trailing behind you. You slump down on the couch next to Jisoo who’s giving you a sly smile.

“Why me?” Jungkook asks as he reaches for a bag of chips on the floor besides Jin.

You shrug, “We’re still worried about you, you’re still selling and there’s a bit of tension here about that…”

“Ahh well, no worries, I finished today.”

“What!” almost everyone shouts, except for Hoseok who chokes on a cookie and Rosé has to pat his back.

“Yeah,” Jungkook says, his mouth full of chips. “I finished the last batch today, but I have to go meet Jaebum to give him the money. Jackson already knows I finished and sent him the picture of the money I’m going to give Jaebum.”

“Why?” Jin asks.

Jungkook shrugs. “He makes everyone send pictures. Even though he trusts Jaebum, he does it out of precaution I guess.”

“Is this the first time you’re going to see Jaebum since you threatened him?” Namjoon asks as he sits beside you on the couch.

“Yep.”

“I don’t know how I feel about you going by yourself,” Yoongi says. He moves to sit besides Jungkook on the floor and takes his bag of chips.

“Yeah, same here,” Taehyung adds.

“I’ll be fine-“

“Where are you meeting him?” Jennie asks.

“At the park at midnight. He doesn’t want me going back to headquarters ever again. If I show up there, well, I’ll end up in the hospital again.”

“Why do I feel like you’ll end up in the hospital no matter what,” you whisper. Jungkook looks up from trying to fight Yoongi for the bag of chips and gives you a look. You’re still upset with him about using what you told him so thoughtlessly. “You know something you shouldn’t about him, Jungkook. I just don’t think it’s something Jaebum would let you just walk away knowing.”

A fearful silence spreads over the group. The tv runs at a low volume but suddenly it’s louder than ever.

“I agree,” Namjoon says softly. “There’s no way you’re going alone.”

“No, come on, I have to go do this alone, what if something happens to you guys? I’d rather you just stayed here. Or at your places better.”

“As if we’d ever let that happen,” Yoongi adds.

“What if something happens to you dummy?” Jennie asks.

“I’ll be fine.”

“Absolutely not, you’re not going alone Kook.”

“Tae-“

“Jungkook, you’re not going alone and that’s that,” Namjoon states, his tone firm.

Jungkook just stares at him before sighing and slumping back on the floor. “Fine, dad.”

Jennie slaps his chest and he coughs, clutching himself before going to attack Jennie. Their actions lighten the mood as he starts chasing her around the place, Jennie grinning from ear to ear.

When you arrive home that night from your shift, twenty minutes to midnight, you find everyone arguing outside by Jin’s truck.

Yoongi looks down at you and shrugs before letting go of your hand and jogging over to the commotion.

“What the hell is hell is going?”

“Jennie says I can’t come!” Jisoo practically shouts in his face.

“Whoa, calm down, what do you mean Sosoo?”

“Jennie has taken it upon herself to assign who gets to go with Jungkook and who doesn’t,” Jimin is saying as you step up towards the group.

“Why?” you ask.

“Okay, guys stop! Namjoon agrees with me. It’s safer if only a few of us go, everyone else should go to Namjoon and Jimin’s place and wait for us there.”

“Am I going?” you ask.

Jennie looks at you, but before she can answer Yoongi interrupts.

“No, you’re not,” he says, looking at you like you’ve just said the dumbest thing in the world.

“Excuse me?”

“Ha! If you think you’ll change her mind, be my guest, but I had her on the truck with us.”

You don’t look away from Yoongi when Jennie says that but he does.

“Are you insane, we can’t take her to Jaebum!”

You ignore him and walk over to the back of the truck where Jungkook and Taehyung are already sitting.

“Where the hell are you going?!” Yoongi grabs your arm as you’re halfway to jumping on the truck.

You glare at him. “Yoongi, I’m going. You don’t get to tell me what I can or cannot do just because we’re dating. Let go of my arm.”

The scowl is still on his face but he reaches for your face and pulls you to bend down and kiss him. “If something happens to you-“

“It’ll be fine,” you whisper, then you pull your arm from his grip and step all the way into the bed of the truck, walking over to sit between Taehyung and Jungkook.

When he steps on he sits on the side, never taking his eyes from you.

You toss Jisoo your bag and she just glares at you. “I’m older you know!”

“Thanks sis!”

Jennie, Jin, and Namjoon step inside the truck, and a few minutes later Jin drives away from the run-down house.

Jungkook is gripping a small duffel bag on his lap, his leg keeps shaking under it.

“You alright?”

His wide eyes look at you, but he nods despite the alert in his expression. You squeeze his arm to assure him, but you can’t lie to him and say he’ll be okay because you have no idea what Jaebum has planned—but there is always something.

You turn to find Yoongi still looking at you. You sigh before crawling over towards him. He’s still upset but he parts his legs for you to sit between them. He wraps his arms around you and rests his chin on your shoulder. You place your hands on top of his and lean your head on his. He brushes his nose along your cheek and you pat his hand. “It’ll be okay,” you whisper, but an unsettling feeling tumbles in your stomach and you’re unsure if you’ve just lied or not.

When Jaebum sees you when you’ve arrived at the lonely park, that’s when he realizes how Jungkook knew, you can see the realization clear over his eyes. He brought his two body guards, but you and the rest of your friends let Jungkook walk over to him by himself—despite Jennie’s protest.

You can still hear them from where you stand though. The air is crisp but low, is cool enough to feel fresh, but warm enough to build up sweat with the right amount of nerves building up against your skin. It smells like the trees you’re so used to, the ones that have brought you so much comfort, and you almost feel sorry for the park for having this take place here.

“You brought backup Jungkook?”

“No,” he says, “we’re headed somewhere after this. Here’s the money.” He hands over the bag to Jaebum, but there is something off.

The expression on Jaebum’s face makes your stomach churn and you suddenly feel the nervousness rising up your stomach.

Before you know it, you start walking over to Jungkook, Yoongi tries to pull you back but you pull him with you. Jaebum’s bodyguards step closer to him, at which he looks away from Jungkook, his smirk still in place when he sees you approach.

“Let’s go Jungkook, they’re waiting for us at the movies,” you tell your friend, your eyes never leaving Jaebum though.

Jaebum scoffs. He looks away from you to focus back on Jungkook. “I don’t care that you brought your friends as back up. They do not intimidate me.”

Namjoon, Jennie, and Jin have caught up with you and stand behind Jungkook.

“Let’s go Kook,” Jin says pulling at Jungkook’s arm, but the boy only stands there, looking at Jaebum and swallowing hard.

You can feel your skin start to prickle, your stomach is churning with fear and anxiousness.

“I don’t care about casualties Jungkook,” Jaebum adds with a smirk, and at that you reach for Jungkook’s hand and grip it tightly.

Yoongi takes your other hand and moves to stand next to Jungkook, right in front of you.

Your breathing is getting heavier, you’re doing your best to keep it steady but it’s so difficult when Jaebum is looking at your friend like that.

Jungkook clears his throat, “You have your money Jaebum. You can count it in front of me if you wish, but it’s all there. There is no more business between us.”

Jaebum raises an eyebrow. “I don’t doubt it’s all there, but our business isn’t done here, you know something you shouldn’t—and I take it they know too.”

“They don’t.”

“I can’t take any chances, can I?”

“The only one that knows is not here, and if something happens to me he knows what to do.”

Jaebum smirks. “Oh, you mean Minhyuk? He won’t be saying anything, ever again. He was annoying wasn’t he, too excitable.”

Junkook takes a step back.

Something gets caught in your throat.

You glance over at Jennie and she has her phone out, finger over the screen.

“Go,” Jungkook turns to Yoongi and he nods.

You can’t move, but Yoongi tries to pull but you just can’t move. You turn to look at Jin who manages to pull Jennie but Namjoon just stands there, unmoving.

The bodyguards start to move, and right as one reaches Yoongi, something hits you in the shoulder.

You turn to find Jennie pointing at the ground beside you and you quickly bend to pick up the pepper spray with a shaky hand. You turn as fast as you can, making sure you’re pointing it in the right direction, and spray it over Yoongi’s shoulder, right on the muscly guy about to punch him. You go a little overboard with the spraying, but frankly you don’t give a fuck. The man screams and bends over covering his face, you hear Jaebum shout something at him, but you can’t quite make out what it is.

When you turn to toss it to Jennie, you notice Namjoon is fighting the other guy, and right as the man punches Namjoon in the stomach, making you flinch as he falls to the ground in a groan, you run over and spray his face.

“You incompetent morons!” Jaebum shouts.

You’re afraid he might have backup, but you don’t’ even have time to look around, the adrenaline is going inside your skin, fueling your bravery and making the anxiety docile, but everything slows when you watch Jaebum. He reaches behind him, and you’re about to scream for Jungkook to run but nothing comes out of your mouth. Yoongi is the one to move and you want to shout but can’t. You watch in horror as he steps forward, but he only reaches Jungkook’s arm and pulls him back.

Just as Jaebum’s hand appears with a gun, something moves beside you. You can hear Namjoon shouting before you see his body step in front of Jungkook and onto Jaebum, gripping his arm and trying to pull the gun away from him.

You can hear Jennie’s voice in the distance shouting.

You can see Jungkook screaming at Namjoon as Yoongi holds him back, him too screaming at Namjoon. You watch in horror as Namjoon continues to struggle with Jaebum as his two bodyguards try their best to stand and try to help.

Jaebum and Namjoon are just staring at each other as they struggle, you’re afraid to look where their arms are fighting, and then you hear it.

The gunshot is muffled by the bodies, but the sound vibrates through your skin and you shout, finally having a voice, but your sight is gone because you don’t want to see who got shot. You run forward despite the shouts from Yoongi, but just as you calculate you should have reached Namjoon, something bumps into you, the force and weight of a body leans onto you.

Your eyes open and you watch, absolutely horrified as Jaebum stares at you, and Namjoon falls onto your body and you have to wrap your arms around him. When you feel the wetness on your palms you choke, like something just lodged against your chest and you can’t speak.


	10. 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the final part of this series. i started writing it january 2017 and i have to admit it was not always easy to write this story, nevertheless i loved and enjoyed making these characters. i’m gonna miss my babies. thank you so, so much for reading. and if you have ever lef me any feedback, you have no idea how much it means to me. ily.

Your hands are trembling around the wetness, and at the sound of Namjoon’s labored breathing you start shaking. You hear shouting, and you feel rather than see Jaebum run back to his car with his two guys behind him.

The weight of Namjoon falls on you and you stumble back. You hear Yoongi shout your name but you make it to the ground gently, careful with Namjoon’s body. The entire act is robotic—as if you you’re acting out of programming. You can tell you’re in shock but you have no time to register more than that as Namjoon reaches for the wound on his stomach, his throat making chocking noises. You rest him on the ground and crouch above his head, tears streaming down your face soundlessly.

With a trembling hand you reach for his cheek, “S-stop, d-don’t move please,” you mumble.

Your senses start to focus as his eyes move up to find your face, you can hear Jennie sobbing, you know Jin must be holding her back so she doesn’t see this. You can hear Jungkook’s soft sobs and cries out for Namjoon.

The smell of the grass is melting with the metallic scent of the blood coming out of Namjoon, it’s so overwhelming you have to shut your eyes for a beat before you can look at the disarrayed look he is giving you—like he sees you but cant focus on you. 

Yoongi appears beside him, his voice and hands shaky as he cups his friend’s face.

“H-hey, hey, it will be okay, look at me Joon, look at me, it will be okay.”

You look up to find Yoongi crying as he looks at his friend struggling to speak while he is bleeding. A little bit of blood starts to come out of Namjoon’s mouth. Your skin crawls at the image and you can feel your heart pound, and pound loudly against your chest.

“Don’t try to speak, please hold on, they’re coming.”

They are. In the distance you can hear the sirens. Jennie must’ve called.

“Y-Yoon?”

There’s blood on Namjoon’s cheek from where you touched him. You cup his head and gently brush his hair away from his forehead. “Shh, Joonie, don’t speak,” you mumble.

He begins to cough and you have to hold in the sob stuck in your throat. He says something but through the panic and the sounds flooding your ears you can’t even register it.

Your ears are ringing you realize, most likely form the gunshot sound, but you can hear your friends, and the sirens getting nearer.

When the paramedics and the police arrive, everything happens in a blur. You’re ripped from Namjoon’s side against your will, in shouts and sobs, and you have to watch as he is taken away from you in the ambulance as you and your friends are handcuffed by the police to be taken into questioning.

Jin is the only one stable enough to call Jimin and tell him to meet Namjoon at the hospital.

You haven’t been paying much attention since you got to the station. You don’t even remember how you got here. All you know is that your body is shaking and you’ve been trying to keep your breathing even for what seems like forever.

Yoongi sits beside you in the room, he stares at the mirror cross from him, frowning in anger at whoever is watching you behind the mirror, but then his eyes land on you and his expression softens.

“Are you okay? Is the attack coming?”

You take another deep breath. “I-I can manage, I-I’m just worried about Joon, t-there was so much b-blood.” You look down at your cuffed hands as they rest on the table, the blood of your friend now dried on your palms. You don’t even have the energy to wipe the tears falling.

“He’s gonna be okay,” Yoongi whispers, but his voice doesn’t sound as secure as you’re used to hearing. The confidence with which he speaks is gone now, and that makes your stomach twist uncomfortably.

You let out a low sob and close your eyes, your head falling back. With your eyes close you feel everything. You feel the heaviness of the dimmed room. The cold air that makes you shiver. The fact that you’re no longer holding Namjoon in your arms, and don’t know whether he is alive, or dying. Or dead.

You jump at the sound of Yoongi banging his hands on the table. “Hey assholes! My best friend is in the hospital bleeding out, will you fucking hurry up you heartless bastards. She’s gonna have a panic attack!”

At that, you hear the door in the corner click open, and when you open your eyes a woman steps in, her expression unreadable. She’s wearing a crisp black suit, and the professional expression doesn’t tell you whether she pities you or blames you.

“We talked to your friend, we’ve discussed in detail how we are going to deal with him and his business with the alleged shooter-“

“Alleged? Alleged my fucking ass, Jaebum shot him!”

You flinch at Yoongi’s anger, he catches that and turns in his chair, clearly uncomfortable by the position but reaches for your hands, “I’m sorry baby, please try to focus on your breathing.”

“Is she really having a panic attack?” The woman asks, her expression now curious and showing somewhat of an emotion.

Your bloodshot eyes flicker from your reflection to her. “I just held my best friend’s, no, my brother’s bleeding body in my hands after he protected my other brother from being shot by a man who had threatened not only him, but us, multiple times, only because he was trying to do a job to save his family. Sorry if I’m not taking it well and do not have the energy to be questioned when I don’t know if he is alive or not!” you voice gets higher the more you speak, and the woman flinches when you shout the last part.

Something gets stuck in your throat, most likely another sob, so you look away from her, shut your eyes, and focus on your breathing.

“We will secure a vehicle to take you back to the park so you can get your friend’s truck and go visit your friend at the hospital. We will let you go, but we will keep your ID’s in file and will be calling you soon for questioning. We know you just went through something traumatic, but we wanted to get started on this before someone else got hurt.”

Your eyes flutter open and you find the woman looking directly at you.

“I will make sure he pays for what he has done.”

All you can do is nod.

“Good,” Yoongi says as he squeezes your hands. 

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
Yoongi practically pulls you through the hospital, the rest of your friends—your anxious family—behind. The elevator ride feels like another eternity passing you by. When you finally reach the waiting room, you break into sobs and run straight to Jimin who has clearly been crying the entire time.

“Where is he?” you hear Yoongi ask. He hasn’t let go of your hand as you sob onto Jimin’s shoulder.

“He was taken straight to the ER, they’re doing surgery to get the bullet out… he bled a lot, the doctor said,” you hear Hoseok whisper.

When you finally stop squeezing Jimin, you look around to hug the rest of your friends. You catch as Jungkook sits in the corner of the deserted waiting room, his leg shaking and his hands fiddling on his lap. You want to say something but you don’t know what.

That could have been him, and its probably killing him its not.

You’d rather it wasn’t any of them… you rather it was you.

The waiting is yet another eternity, everyone sits in silence, unable to spark any conversation because the tears have finally stopped. Everyone is sitting there, in shock, unable to think, unable to speak, in this cold, silent waiting room that seems to make time stand still.

Yoongi made you sit on his lap, his arms fold tightly around you as he rests his chin on your shoulder, his nose nestled into your neck, breathing shakily, mirroring your own breathing.

Finally, the door to the ER swings open, a doctor steps out, empty handed, slowly removing his face mask as his eyes focus on the ground.

There is no chart in his hands.

He’s not here to update on his state.

Not here to inform what is stable and what might need monitoring.

Your heart falls to the pit of your stomach. You can feel Yoongi’s tense body under yours.

You feel vile run up your throat and ball up there, right at the top.

The doctor stops where everyone sits, and everyone stands, Yoongi having to pull you up as your body begins to tingle. Like tiny heartbeats anxiously beating in every fiber of your skin. His arm remains around you as you all stare at the man who holds your hearts in his hands.

“Are you all Kim Namjoon’s family?”

A soft and harmonious “Yes,” breaks the cold silence of the waiting room, like it finally breaths life into the room.

The doctor nods, takes a deep breath, and proceeds. “Your friend had come in with a gunshot wound to his-“

“No offense doctor,” Yoongi interrupts, stepping from beside you, “but I don’t care about a recap of the night, I just want to know how he is, please, please just get to the point.” The pleading in his tone makes the doctor frown in sympathy and gives another nod.

“There was a lot of bleeding caused by the wound, we tried our best to remove the bullet from his body, but the bleeding was overwhelming-“

“Is he alive or not for fuck’s sake?” Jennie sobs and Jin has to hold her back from stumbling.

The doctor closes his eyes, nods, almost to himself. “He was losing a lot of blood. I’m sorry, but your friend did not make it.”

“What?” Yoongi and Jungkook ask, the first word Jungkook has spoken since he stood in front of Jaebum.

You blink several times, staring at the doctor. The words he said were muffled by the screaming in your throat, but you know what he said.

Jimin lets out a sob, and that’s when your throat gives out, no longer strong enough to hold it in, and you shout a sob, your knees giving out and falling to the ground. Through your tears your stare at your shaking hands, the dried blood still there, and you sob and sob as you slowly hold the hands up tight against your heart, repeating his name.

He was alive. In your hands, he was alive, he was speaking. He looked at you.

And you remember. He said “I love you all.”

You scream so loud its inaudible, because your insides are on fire, and you feel like someone just reached into your chest and squeezed it until there was no sound left in you to make as you shout in pain.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
Three Weeks Later

Yoongi slips off his black jacket and loosens the tie around his neck. He has felt as if he’s choking the entire day. He blamed it on the uncomfortable tie, but as he loosens it and throws it on the mattress resting on the floor, that choking feeling remains.

Maybe he needs to cry. But he has cried so much he doesn’t think he has any tears left.

Y/N sits on the floor, facing the window, still no words have been spoken from her since the morning. She hasn’t spoken much since that day, and Yoongi doesn’t blame her.

She’d refused to wash her hands for days. Sobbing in his arms day and night as he cried with her. But no matter how tight he holds her, that wound in his heart remains. There’s a piece of it gone. It is just an echo of memories, and not anything solid he can walk up to and laugh with. Not one he can look at and smile. Not one he can talk to. Not one he knows will be there when needs him, or when he just wants to feel the familiarity of that piece of his heart.

She has that missing too.

He sits behind her, his legs stretching out on either side of her to pull her back against his chest. She slumps against him as he warps his arms around her, tightly. Her head falls back on his shoulder and he presses his cheek against hers.

He’d give anything to hear her voice. She’s right beside him but he misses her. He misses his monkey. And she must miss her Yoongi. He doesn’t know how to get either of them back. But he has to try.

“I love you,” he whispers.

Her hands twitch as they rest on her lap, bunching up the fabric of her black dress. She stretches one palm and reaches for the back of his hand as it rests against her, holding her tightly.

“I love you, Yoongi,” she whispers, her voice cracking.

Yoongi’s throat gives out and he takes a shaky breath. He feels as his tear meets her own as their cheeks touch, but he says nothing else. He just hods her. And he looks out the window to the setting sun, and wonders how they’re all supposed to keep doing this. Wake up every morning knowing they will wait for someone who will never show up for the rest of their lives. 

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
The last thing Junkook wants to do is say goodbye to Sol, but as he makes his way through the train station he knows it is the right thing to do.

She’s the only one left whom he feels he can be open with, can cry in front of, but he has to let her go, even if its for a while only, for her safety.

He knows his friends are safe, the police promised them protection because of there threats Jaebum had left behind before he disappeared. Sol, however, was a secret he was keeping, but he knew Jaebum could find out about her and hurt her to hurt Jungkook, and he cant risk that. Even if it means pushing away the only person on this lane left who doesn’t hate him.

He spots her standing by the train that’s just arriving, her luggage resting on the ground beside her.

The loud sounds of unfathomable conversations, train noises, and distant city living sounds overwhelm him, but it all fades when she turns, her short hair flowing against the warm open air, and a small smile plays at her lips when she spots him.

Jungkook tries to smile. She’s the only one who has seen this attempt from him the past week, and the glistening in her eyes and the soft look she gives him lets him know she appreciates his trying.

He bites his lip and he flinches as the wound at the corner of his mouth stings. Yoongi gave it his all when he beat the shit out of him. Jungkook doesn’t blame him. He knows it was his fault why Namjoon died.

“This is because of you! If you hadn’t gotten involved in this mess in the first place Hobi would have never od’d and Namjoon wouldn’t be dead!” his older brother had shouted before he swung at him, his fist hard as a rock.

Him saying that had hurt Jungkook almost as much as hearing the doctor saying Namjoon hadn’t made it.

He tried to hug Yoongi. He tried to plead for forgiveness between his bleeding and sobbing.

“Hyung, I’m sorry, I know, I’m so sorry.” 

However, it only angered Yoongi more. He’d never seen such hatred from his dark eyes before as Yoongi pushed him off him and threw him to the ground, shouting for him to fuck off. To get out of his face.

Y/N was shouting to stop. She was sobbing. Jimin was too afraid to intervene but he tried with his words by warning Yoongi he could seriously hurt Jungkook. But Yoongi wasn’t listening anymore. He was enraged. He was in pain. Sobbing and shouting in anger as he dropped things, and threw a chair that shattered the photographs hanging on the wall of their home. A Polaroid collage Jin had made for the funeral that he had later framed and hung on the wall. Yoongi shouted and cried. He fell to the ground and sobbed out the words “I never want to see you again. You’re poison.”

It’d felt like Jungkook had been stabbed, and he sobbed quietly as Y/N rushed to Yoongi’s side and held him as he sobbed out Namjoon’s name for the hundredth time since he had left them. 

Jungkook hasn’t been back home since then, and he’s ignored everyone’s calls except for Jennie’s as she had threatened to go find him. She just wanted to know he was fine. No one was fine though. No one would be fine ever again.

As he approaches Sol, her smile broadens. “I didn’t think you’d me coming.”

Jungkook shrugs. “I just wanted to make sure you got on safe.”

She narrows her eyes at him as she leans forward to wrap her arms around his neck and engulf him in a hug. “You just wanted to make sure I got on, period,” she teases before she plants a kiss on his cheek.

“Can you blame me? You’re capable of ignoring my wishes just so you can stay by my side,” he mutters as he wraps his arms around her and buries his face in her neck.

She pulls back and give him a look a that makes him slightly smirk, but then her expression softens. “I’m sorry that I don’t want to leave you when things are like this.”

Jungkook shakes his head. “I’ll be fine. I just want to make sure you’re safe Sol.”

“I know,” she says, “but please don’t… just don’t isolate yourself while I’m gone. Go talk to Yoongi. Go back to them, I know they miss you. Y/N has said so.”

He lets go of her and takes a deep breath. His heart aches at the mention of his friends.

He met Sol at the restaurant Y/N works at one time he picked her up. After that, every time he passed by she would flirt with him. And eventually he started going to the place even when Y/N wasn’t working just so he could talk to her.

Jungkook had asked Sol to never mention to his friend that they were sleeping together, and she has respected that even to this day. He regrets it though. He wishes he never hid her, because she mended his heart, and she his heart was shredded again by the death of his brother, she was there for him.

“I miss them too,” he admits quietly. Sol only nods.

The doors to the train open once more to let in the new riders. He anxiously looks between the doors and Sol. It’s too soon, but she must go.

“I’ll be fine, I promise. My friend told me I could work at the school with her. The reception isn’t great there, so I will have to wait until I go into the city to be able to call you, but I hope texting isn’t as difficult.”

Jungkook doesn’t know what to say so he just nods. He reaches for her face and pulls her closer to him. He leans the rest of the way down to plant a kiss against her lips, soft, gentle, and innocent, unlike their usual kisses. When he pulls away she is smiling at him with tears eyes.

“I’ll miss you, Kookie.”

“I’ll miss you too, So.”

She reaches for her bags, eyes the doors people are stepping through, then look up at him. The wind picks up and it flies her short hair back, her face bare and breathtaking as he looks over it once more, to engrave it into his memory.

Her lips fall open as a single tear falls and Jungkook can see it in her eyes before she can say it. He knows, and he knew she was falling for him before he even let himself have feelings for her. He still doesn’t really allow himself, much less now that she is leaving for a while.

“Jungkook, I-“

He shakes his head but smiles. “Save it for later, yeah?”

More tears begin to fall from her eyes but she nods. His heart aches as he watches her attempt at smiling before she begins to walk a way from him.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
It was strange to see Jungkook standing in the kitchen at home. He hasn’t shown up here since the day after Namjoon’s funeral, when he and Yoongi got into a fight. He’d barely even spoken to them, and he spent most of his time talking and working with the police, giving all the information they need to catch Jaebum before he kills someone else. It’s been three weeks since the last time you saw him, much less spoke to him. But as you see him standing there, his eyes look up with a fearful expression on his face, you run over to him and wrap your arms around him, engulfing him in a tight hug.

“Where have you been?” you whisper in his ear.

“Sorry,” is all he says.

You can hear Yoongi struggling with the bags of takeout as he makes his way over to the kitchen.

You pull away from Jungkook but hold on to his arm as Yoongi steps into the kitchen, sighing as he dumps the food on the table.

“Jeez, thanks for the- Jungkook?” Yoongi’s eyes go wide as his eyes fall on his younger friend. He takes a step back as he catches his expression and schools his face. “What are you doing here?”

“I uhhh… I wanted to talk to you, and I figured you wouldn’t answer my texts or calls. You probably blocked me for all I know.”

“I didn’t.”

“Oh.”

You stand there awkwardly as they look at each other and you sigh. “Please, just make up already, this is torture. We should all be together, not divided.”

You watch as Jungkook swallows hard. Yoongi looks down at his shoes. “Yeah, she’s right. Enough of us have left already. One is too many.”

“Yeah…” Jungkook trails off softly.

You slowly start walking away towards Yoongi’s room as they begin to talk.

“I’m sorry for the bullshit I said, I didn’t mean it, Jungkook.”

“I know.”

“It was fucked up…”

Is the last thing you hear as you reach the stairs and walk into the mostly empty room. It’s littered with boxes full of Yoongi’s belongings, as is almost every room in the house.

Since you and Yoongi decided to move in together, everyone else found it pointless to keep coming here when Namjoon wont be joining you anymore. It’s best to leave the house behind, and head over to the new duplex you and yoongi will be renting with Jimin, Jin, Jisoo, and Taehyung. That will be home for now.

When you make it downstairs, Jungkook and Yoongi are sitting next to each other, eating and talking. You smile as the rest fo your friends make their way inside and greet Jungkook. There’s tears, but this time they are happy ones. Not everyone is gathered, but that will be the case from now on. There will always be some missing, at least physically. You can’t pretend he will be upstairs smoking. Or that he is quietly watching and laughing from the corner, that dimpled smile on his fond face. He is within you. Within these walls. Within the memories. And within the love he has left behind in each and every one.

You make your way over to Yoongi and he pulls the chair back so you can sit on his lap. He rests his chin on your shoulder and you reach down to plant a kiss on his temple as he laughs at something Jungkook says. That’s the first time you hear a laugh in this house since it happened, and it’s caused by Jungkook telling him how he remembers the first time he met Namjoon when he was ten years old outside this house, Namjoon was tagging the wall outside with Taehyung, and he scared them so much that when Namjoon turned around, the paint can was still pressed down and he stained Jungkook’s favorite shirt. He still has it, stains and all.

This rundown house will never stop being home. It will always remain as home, but now you know that home will also be wherever you all are, and wherever you take the memories of everyone together. All those painfully beautiful moments where this family is whole, that’s where home is.


End file.
